Rest, refresh, reclaim my time:) JA - MA 2012 (Finally!)

... is currently causing me deep heartache.

On MN, just gone, Mr. Cowboy and the catpeople headed off, in the RV, back to our ‘dream-house’ town in the east. Besides the fretting for their safety during the very long 4300 km trek on the Trans-Canada, (anything can happen, right), I feel terribly, woefully lonely for them all. Unexpected.

Not that I don’t love my husband and 5 catbabies, just I was sososo looking forward to some time Totally to myself … to relish having no responsibilities, to moodle, create, walk, work on personal disciplines, enjoy indulgent rest, fiend after the projects I’ve been working on since JA without having to consider anyone’s needs, make a whole lot more progress before I have to return to the house renos, luxuriate in cool baths … me-me-me-me! Its old already – the me-ness.

The peace has already become dull and uninteresting and the quiet is deafening! Quite the paradigm adjustment. People (read: me) are never satisfied, uh?

‘Course the closer I get to the time I have to fly over there, the less this ‘too much time to myself’ will be an issue:)) Then I’ll be, no doubt, wishing for something else – that I had better be careful about:)))

Its been a great 1st week to kick-off, what feels like is gonna be, a great year!

I have kept the commitments that I made to myself, some of which are in conflict with each other:) napped as often as I needed to, set clear boundaries on my time and my current ability to cope … Real good!

The struggle at the moment is to keep life and all its aspects in balance and, at the same time, move consistently forward on priority goals.

Lots of moments of contentment, happiness, even a little sheer joy and bliss.

Last night, the very beginning of the long-awaited, eagerly anticipated, ‘return-to-myself’ sabbatical was seriously sweet, even more than imagined.

Waking up every couple of hours has become a typical night for me. What was new and refreshing and joyful was the full-body smile that beamed out each time I awoke. Its like I was sleeping and smiling and cozying back up in my blankie all through the night.

:)))))

In 1995 my life was, figuratively, run over by a Mac truck. I was effectively left for road-kill. The personal tragedy was so great and deep and debilitating that, even now though it is way off in the distance, I can tune into the engulfing pain, sorrow and overwhelming need to take myself away, to opt-out, to stop the world so I can get off … to breathe myself back to life.

What happened and why I was so profoundly affected doesn’t really matter – at least not right now. What does matter is that I knew then and have never gotten over the need for some time and space to heal, to release wounds, to metabolize the experience into growth instead of bitterness, victimization and damn good excuses for not being able to go forward. The greater good translated, from one reason after another, into 15!!! years of putting myself aside and my needs on hold.

Tonight, not because it is New Year’s Eve, it just turned out that way, I am at the edge of the beginning of the ‘space’ I have craved, everyday, all this time. Finally. Pure-potential pulses with an excited fulness all through my being.

Everybody and everything, in my inner circle, are taken care of. Anything that isn’t ‘o-kay’, can wait.

This is happiness … For 4 glorious months I will be the object of my affections, and my hopes, dreams & goals, the focus of my attention. Yippeeeeee!