romance the right one

She’s so caught up with her current love interest I can’t even have a friendly chat with her unless she’s driving somewhere, and of course that means it’s a fight to even hear her clearly, and all she talks about is him anyway. I can understand the excitement, I can put jealousy aside, but I at least want her as a decent friend, and right now I can’t even have that.

Now she’s dating somebody different.

Somebody an awful lot like me. Creative, odd, extremely expressive, spiritual, and eager to celebrate her at every conceivable turn.

Frankly, though, I know this relationship isn’t going to work either. His situation is eventually going to turn her off. She wants more attention than he’s going to give her long-term…but it will take her at least a few weeks to notice that and decide she’s not willing to put up with it. Then she’ll be heartbroken and aching, and then she’ll start looking for someone again because she hates being alone.

If I can catch her in that little tiny space of time where I’m neither Rebound Man nor The Creep that Bothers Her When She’s in a New Relationship, I will make my move.

She’s dating someone else again, which makes conversations a bit tricky, especially when she decides to look into my love life (or lack thereof since she’s taken at the moment). What I said in response to her questions and comments…

No, I’m not dating anyone right now.

No, I’m not looking.

No, I don’t want to look.

No, I don’t have a self-esteem problem.

No, I’m not gay.

No, I’ve never been interested in other men.

No, none of that is it.

What I wanted to say was another matter…

No, I’m not dating anyone, and unless you’re about to tell me your boyfriend is now an ex-boyfriend, I wish you wouldn’t go any further on this line of questioning.

No, I’m not trying to find anyone to date. I’ve found you. You’re busy. I’ll wait.

No, I don’t want to try to find anyone to date. I’ve found you. There’s just been no good time to make a move because your life is so crazy and I don’t want to hurt you by making the wrong move at the wrong time.

You don’t need to pity me. I’m happier alone and hoping for you than you are dating one guy after another. This is real love that I feel. Even from a distance it’s much better than an empty dating relationship that goes on for a few weeks and then leaves you upset and desperate for another high. I’d rather have this 10-minute phone call as friends than any date I’ve ever been on.

No, I don’t have a self-esteem problem. You were just telling me that YOU have a self-esteem problem, which I already knew. That’s why you keep dating a new guy every few weeks. You love yourself enough now to realize relatively quickly that you deserve better than the kind of rubbish they give you. The trick now is to love yourself enough to recognize who’s going to treat you well. Hint: I’ve known you for how many years now, and how many times have I said a harsh word to you, even when you were careless toward me? None. How many times have I remembered your birthday, gone to your shows, called you just to say hello, asked what I can pray for on your behalf? Hundreds.

No, I’m not gay – you know that, for pity’s sake. You always complain that people mistake you for a lesbian – how do you think I feel with you asking me after all these years if I’m gay? I’m waiting for you. That’s why you never see me with other women. You’re the only one I want to see or be seen with.

...a few towns over otherwise I’d have gone to see her for sure. Might be for the best; I’ve been very depressed the last few days and I’m likely not wearing it well. I don’t think I want her to see me like that anymore; she already saw me depressed at work years ago, though the nice thing is that I’m good at faking “mild” rather than moderate or severe depression when I’m at work, so she never knew how bad it got…and as bad as I feel now, it’s nothing like back then.

Anyway I’m going to miss ANOTHER performance of hers because I have to work with an important client tonight…and I’m too broke to do what I ought to do, which is to tell this client “look, I’ve been asking you for this paperwork for eight months, next week is the deadline, and a lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on my part.” Interesting thing is I don’t even mind this kind of baloney except when it keeps me from showing her kindness and support. Everything else in my life can be moved around in a snap, for the most part; I practice music and I push papers in the office, which usually isn’t an emergency thing…but this lady is not just my “crush” (aren’t I a bit old for that?...I suppose not, because I have one!), but she also does stellar performances and I’m tired of missing them.

We haven’t been around each other for a few weeks, mostly because my life got out of hand for a while and I just couldn’t do anything.

I know where she usually spends time on Wednesday nights; it’s a scene I enjoy too so I’ll see if I can make my way there.

Another guy was hanging all over her – a guy she recently sat in front of me complaining about, saying she didn’t even want to be friends with him anymore because his behavior was just so weird. She acknowledged him politely, but I don’t think it was any more than a matter of being polite – I think she just didn’t want to be rude to him and risk causing a scene at a party of sorts. How I wished that man would just “buzz off,” for her sake and mine! He was acting weird tonight too, and if I’m saying something is weird, that says something. I’m an artist – I’m older than dirt and I still get on stage wearing hippie clothes from the far east and lipstick – you can get pretty weird before I start wanting to complain about it, but this guy was making everyone crazy.

The worst part was, all I wanted to do was put my arm around her shoulder for a minute, companionably, but he was hovering so closely I couldn’t do it until he left, which sadly took most of the evening.

My dear, just give me a chance…just say the word and I will do everything in my power to make you the happiest, most blessed woman alive. And if there’s anything you want that I can’t do myself, I’ll pray that God fills in the rest. You’re already in my prayers every day, you know. And in truth, you still will be no matter what – romance or none – just because I love you as a soul first and foremost, and I want you to be gloriously happy. You’re that precious to me.

I wish things were different. I wish she weren’t so stressed. I wish the other one weren’t so persistent with me. And I wish other men weren’t so interested in the one I love…it makes sense that they are, but they’re making her crazy crowding her, and they know she’s beautiful but most of them will never understand just how beautiful. It’s much more than skin deep.

I just know the time isn’t right. Some days just crawl by me.

But now I have someone else interested in me. It’s not mutual. I hate that. She’s a good woman and I’ve been enjoying her friendship but she’s pushing it in another direction and that’s not for me; I love someone else. Have to figure out how to tell her.

I have my eye on someone; I have for a while now but haven’t done anything about it, for thoroughly well-considered reasons I won’t get into here. For a long time I contented myself with loving her from afar, and at the moment I may still have to, but I’m getting no younger and don’t want to spend what time I have left on this earth alone…when I realized that I would rather spend it alone than with anyone but her, however, I realized I needed to make this a goal, however far-off and unclear.

I just want so badly to love her, and I know I can appreciate her in ways that most men could not. Every time I see her with someone else my heart sinks, and she’s obviously not happy either – she has a new beau every few weeks on average, and I always hear her stories of why it didn’t work. I know her, I’d love her, and I’d be there the rest of my life if she’d let me in. I may sound like a foolish kid talking this way, but I honestly believe we’re as perfect for each other as any two people ever were. It’s senseless for us to go it alone when we could easily support and enjoy each other so many ways.

She actually showed interest in me some time ago, but didn’t follow through. I keep waiting for her to make a move, but she’s just so scared, she may never do it. I want to make the first move but it’s not the right time. She’s going through a lot in her own life right now – a LOT – and until the dust settles I don’t plan on overwhelming her with my interest.