Bring back The Magic

Well… on the goals I listed for last week, partial success. As for receiving the magic flying around the festival this past weekend, total success. Woo.

Let’s see, during my 5 day semi-cleansing program… I walked Panda 3 days, journaled 1 (one would think this the easiest of all the goals huh), totally abstained from alcohol, and ate purely for fun maybe 4 times (man that’s a hard one). But, along with dyeing and prep-ing for my show… I took the van for an oil change, took the dog to be groomed, sent out a bunch of ebay stuff, and called Jen on her birthday. Overall I think I did pretty well. I also did some meditations for a level head and open heart during the show, good weather and high sales. All of which came about.

Today I’m feeling great! Just a totally awesome weekend all around. I made some excellent connections, as predicted… the one standing out most was meeting Holly Blue, a local photographer. She and I hit it off quite a bit, and she’s willing to barter clothing for her services. As I am low on cash, but high on needing nice quality photos of my work… well it was perfect. In turn, she said I inspired her to print out nice postcards about her services to hand out to other vendors the second day of the fair. That, my friends, is what I am talking about.

Of course I saw lots of friends, as I usually do at an Arcata festival. And many many return customers, some who have bought from me since my first show, almost 8 yrs ago now. That always feels good. I even had a couple people inquire about my silk painting class, which I haven’t held since I closed my public studio a couple years ago. So, potential there for some private group classes. That hadn’t even entered my mind, but certainly this is the perfect time to get that going again.

Yeah… feeling all good and magical. And tired. I see many naps in my future.

I think I’ve figured out that getting into the magical state directly correlates with my depression levels. I keep remembering the few years when I was feeling oh so magical… and really it may have been the only time in my life when I wasn’t depressed.

This week I’m doing an experiment. In order to emotionally and cosmically prepare for the big festival next weekend, and show myself that I do have a little self-discipline left… this week I’m walking and journaling every single day, abstaining from alcohol and recreational eating. Doesn’t sound so big when I write it down huh. Yeah one wouldn’t think so.

Luckily, I’m super busy getting ready for this show… plenty of stuff to keep my brain occupied. Some mundane tasks but lots of creative ones. I just want to see how I feel by the end of the week. So’s maybe I can boot my ass out of this funk.

And have a great show, no matter what happens there. This particular show has lots of magic potential… I plan on being ready to receive it.

Maybe I haven’t totally been feeling it all …but there is so much magic here!

As I start to work through the deeper spirit parts of my recent ‘cardiac event’... some things become clearer. Especially regarding the turmoil of the past few months.

All this time with several van breakdowns, multiple tow-homes, missed craft shows, lost income, etc etc… every time I’ve asked ‘what’s my lesson here?’ There’s always a lesson, but I couldn’t figure it out. I decided all this crap was just forcing me to be stronger, to come out of my cave and deal with things forcefully and directly. Yes, that is true.

Now, though… it’s pretty clear what the message was. STAY HOME, you’re going to have a heart attack!! lol helloooo! But, allow me to go a step further with this…

I got sick right before the last weekend of May. For the past 7 years on this weekend, I have had a booth at the Mateel Arts & Music Fesival. A big, important and fun show for me. This year, they didn’t let me in. Complete surprise.

So, I found another show for that weekend down in the SF Bay area. Cool.

The day before I was to leave for this show, I took my van down for a small repair. The mechanic said the computer read some new problem that could probably wait, it was currently running fine. I drove a block from the shop and the van just stopped running. Boom done.

I was trying to head to this big show the next day, so understandably I was freaked out. Very upset.

1/2 hr later I had a heart attack.

Um yeah, Mermaid… you’re not going anyplace.

It’s spring now and oh how I love spring. Shutting the door to the cave and going into the light. Creative energy and smiles are flying around wherever you go. Starting to take the dog to the beach more often… and do those other things that help the flow.

The magical thing I’m feeling most right now is my freedom. Jeesh, it’s been like um… 6 months (really??) since I quit working for The Man, but I’m just now starting to really feel it. I had to work through some inner weirdness, guilt, fear, whatever. But now, I’m just reveling in it… I’m free. Anything really is possible. If I want to take off for a month-long festival tour of the midwest, I can leave tomorrow. If I want to take a day off and sit at the beach with a bottle of wine all day, I can.

Man I love that feeling.

Uh. Well. I hope all this psycho introspection is going somewhere positive. Sitting at home for 3 months has actually sent me further into The Cave… the dark, sit around in your pjs, get high and eat and don’t answer the phone, hence feeling fat and depressed, place where no light can reach. If I’m not careful, I know how dark the cave can get. Shiver.

But, now that I can see the light of spring at the end of the tunnel… wayyyy down there, see? I feel more of an urgency to get my head together. It’s going to be a busy year, I can’t be a nutjob.

So, I moved all the important stuff to the top of the list… exercise, nature, friends. That’s the key. I’m getting there. I have been working on all that stuff. Journaling and meditation help too.

I’m not doing all the things I should, but more of them. This is a sort of contemplative hibernation time for me so that is helping things along I think.

I definitely have the strong feeling that anything is possible right now. Love it! Every creative idea is an exciting possibility. Hell, for a couple days I almost had myself talked into opening my own store! Um… bad idea. Well good idea, bad timing. Anyway, the creative juices are flowing and there is magic here.

Also, strangely, lately I’m connecting with lots of old friends… which means lots of old memories and feelings. Good and bad. I’m reminiscing over some past lessons learned, situations, travels, lovers. This is part of the magic flow… paths cross, veer away, then cross again. Like cosmic messengers, you know?

It is good. Well, interesting at least.

The Magic… I’m not sure what other folks call it. Trying to think of what a ‘normal’ person might call it… but I have no idea. Maybe ‘normal’ folks don’t call it anything. But for me, it’s The Magic.

That feeling of being connected to everything. Like you’re being guided and feel so aware of everything around you. I guess I don’t find many opportunities to describe it. Usually around here, I don’t have to. Most folks know exactly what I mean.

You know, that feeling you get when you’ve been to the beach or river or forest 3 days in a row. The peace takes over and you can feel those hidden forces at work and if you’re on the right path it’s like a euphoria almost.

Anyway… I have lost it for a while now. And of all times, now is the perfect time to find it. I mean, I’m living my dreams here. Fairly successfully too. I should be all chock fulla magicalness.

Luckily, I know exactly how to get it back.

Go into nature (the beach!) a lot. Meditate. Exercise. Talk with good friends about real things. Go to some performances. Do my creative work. Write.

Simple.