forgive

I was typing out an entry here for over 3 hours!!! I was writing about forgiving the one person I put on the backburner for 8+ years now; my son’s dad…’sperm donor’ is more appropriate in this instance. I started to tell a bit about how we met, and what happened, and what path we headed down, and before I knew it, I was typing an entire novel!

I forgot where I was typing and it all just started to come out in black and white for the first time in years. I finally looked at the clock and realized it was 2:00AM. OOPS. Time got away from me, like usual.

Cliff notes version:
I went on about how we met oh, so very young and how I got pregnant. About how I lived with him for a short while and saw just how awful his dad treated him and his mom…the same way he was treating me (go figure). Things went bad, got okay again. Had my son. He went berserk and threatened my mom’s life, my life and our new baby’s life. Pressing charges for terroristic threats and abuse, restraining orders, no-contact orders, harassment reports, court proceedings, more harassment and stalking, more court, nothing good coming of court, me looking like a stupid girl who got pregnant and had a great guy (haha, riiiight), thoughts of joining this service that helps families disappear underground (new names, living spaces, new socials, just blank us), fearing for our safety and lives, and finally deciding there was nothing we could do, so we packed up our car with what we needed, put the rest in storage, and drove off in the middle of the night 1,000 miles away…we didn’t tell anyone but my sister…I never spoke to any of my friends again (I alienated all of them anyway while I was with that evil person). I swear, it felt like a Lifetime movie playing out before my eyes. Driving off without a word like we did, that was crazy. I didn’t speak to anyone for years. They never knew what happened to me until now (back in the same state as psycho again).

I learned from an officer that I was in an abusive relationship. I had no idea. I was blind to it all for so long. I though “abuse” meant physical hitting. Nope. I was suffering the abuse on a mental, emotional, psychological level…which seems worse, because I was made to feel that it was all my fault. I would have known better to get away sooner had I taken a hit. I’m left with an irreversible dislocated right thumb from him though, which is a fantastic reminder (NOT!).

I am so very thankful that I was able to get out when I did. It was bound to get physical at some point. I found out towards the end there that he was abusing not only me, my mom and my son, but meth and cocaine intravenously, as well. That turns a person inside out! This was all a living nightmare from hell. I can’t believe that was actually me. I feel so stupid now, not seeing it all for so long while we were together.

He and his two sisters were raised in an abusive home, so it’s a family tradition I suppose; a twisted, sick one. He never had a chance at anything normal, and I can see that part, but there comes a time as an adult when you make your own choices and choose to fight against that road…he never chose to fight it, only embrace it.

Luckily, my family made it out with no physical harm, just some big emotional scars are fears. I still think about those days, but it’s weird, because I don’t even feel like that happened to me, to us. It seriously feels like a movie.

Anyways, I have to forgive him for the pain, torture, fear, suffering, and scars he caused. It’s good for emotional cleansing. And, in JUNE, I will be about a mile away from his place, so I am praying to God we do not cross paths!

I hadn’t seen him in person since the court hearings in 2004…we left in the middle of the night just a few months after my son was born in July. We have to drive past his parent’s place (where he is staying at now I guess) to go to certain place…they live on a busy, main street. Well, last Friday, as we passed by, I looked that way, and had a silent panic attack inside as I saw him working on his truck. He was facing away, but I can tell that shirtless torso anywhere! My son has the very same body shape. First time being that close in over 8 years, I did not like it. But, at the same time, I wasn’t fearful like I had been for so many years. I was paralyzed with fear for so long, and it was nice to know that he no longer has that painful control on me anymore.

I think I can now forgive the past and myself for always feeling that it was all my fault. I’m okay now. He helped me learn what not to be a part of. Which I guess I needed to learn again as my last idiot boyfriend has many of his same tendencies. Let me tell you, I have definitely learned now!!! DEFINITELY! No more of that, ever again.

My dad and this evil demon seed were really the only two I have been harboring feelings of anger or resentment for so long. I forgive many people at many different times, but this goal was meant to make me write out the situation so I could let it go. I wrote it out all right…I copied what I wrote here and pasted it to a Google Doc (it was way too long to post) and it ended up being 5 pages on my document! Yikes.

This makes me feel a bit lighter within myself. I am letting it go, and thinking the past as a teaching experience that I aced and made out alive.

^{I have thought a lot about the people who have hurt me.I have thought about the need to forgive these people.Even if I don’t verbally speak the words to the individuals,I must forgive the hurt they’ve caused for my own well-being.}

So, the list begins with:
My “Sperm Donor” but for writing’s sake; “dad”

I need to forgive my dad for leaving my mom and me a little after I was born. I have never met him, but I do have a few pictures. My mom has told me stories of how they met and such. He is from Mexico, and while my mom was pregnant with me, he went down to visit his (very Catholic) family, and returned after I was born only to tell my mom that he had met a woman his family would accept and that he was leaving. She told him, “Go then.” He apparently kissed my forehead, and off he went.

He was the last man my mom was with, so I never had a father figure. It never really bothered me growing up. I just didn’t have a dad, and I felt that was okay. Nobody ever made it a big deal either. My sister met her dad when she was 9 or 10, and he wasn’t a good dad to her. He has never been there for her. She probably would have been better off emotionally if she had never had that expectation of “daddy” shattered.

A few years back, I had a moment where I really wanted to find my dad and meet him. It was a brief feeling. After that, I just wanted to find him and knee him in the balls for my own vengeful satisfaction. But then I realized I have grown into a pretty-well rounded person without him in my life, and my mom is spectacular for all that she has ever done! I realized the emotion spent on this stranger who left me in my crib as a baby, was pointless, and a waste of my time. A part of me still wonders about him though. I wonder how many half-brothers and half-sisters I have and all that family stuff. I wonder if he has thought of me over the last 22 years.

The Good Lord above me puts people in my life and takes people out of my life for a purpose. Who knows how I would have turned out had he stayed…I could be really, really screwed-up or something. I figure it’s for the best that he left. That action in and of itself shows that he’s not the kind of person I would want anything to do with anyway.

I can forgive him for skipping out on me and my mom because I feel it was actually a blessing in some ways.

_{So, there, I have thought about it, written it out, and put effort into forgiving the hurt that has lingered over the years. There’s something theraputic about writing out your thoughts and feelings and getting them out of your head; weight just lifts away. I love it here on 43.}

The list continues…

I haven’t really known what to do with this goal; I never fully had a plan of attack to complete this. During my little process of construction on my 43 list today, I realized I should take some time to work on this…see where it’ll take me.

It’s pretty easy to say, “I’m going to forgive…” or “I want to forgive…”, but putting those words into actions requires true effort and understanding. I feel we’re on a constant path of forgiveness; forgiving others and being forgiven, as well. We’re only human. God made us all imperfect sinners. We all make mistakes. But when we forgive others it is evidence that the grace of God is at work in our hearts.

God forgives me at every turn, shouldn’t I do the same for the people who have wronged me? Yes, of course I should. I will be making a conscious effort to be more forgiving of others…even if at times it’s just by God’s strength that I have the ability to do so.

Somedays I feel I can mark this as ‘done’ and others, I’m not so sure. I tend to forgive little things but have a more difficult time forgiving bigger things that do harm to me as a person. I would like to be the type of person who can forgive and let go, and move on but with some things, I just can’t get my head to release all of the hurt from an un-forgiving situation.

I think I more or less just “sweep it under the rug”...those situations…so I don’t have to deal with them and everything that goes with it-otherwise I’m just a royal pushover when someone says ‘do you forgive me’ because I find it hard to say ‘no’ and will say I do just to get it all over with.

I did, however, forgive a big situation just recently with my ex-boyfriend whom I stopped speaking to for a couple months because he said such awful things I didn’t care to hear anymore. He’s been texting, calling (ect) ever since and I just the other day, texted him something back and now we’re speaking on a regular basis…seems I can forgive, afterall. Woohoo for me! :) This will be the final time, though…seeing as I’ve forgiven him one too many times already. I think my next goal should be ‘forgive those worth forgiving who aren’t dumb enough to make a repeat episode’.

We’ll see how it goes and if I can keep that forgiveness and not change my mind. Some people are hard to forgive because they usually do it again and again.