quit smoking, again

... although, it really feels like I never smoked in the first place… on most days…. : ) This is something to celebrate!!

I’m excited! I thought I was doomed this time around! It’s not even on my radar. Actually, the smell of it made me sick the other day which has NEVER happened to me. I still on occasion see someone smoking and it looks good to me… ; ) but not good enough to risk having to go through withdrawal again!!!! Ugh! IT’s the WORST.

: ) I am happy to report that this is going just fine. I actually forget that I am quitting smoking most of the time. I just received a cheer on this one and said to myself “OHhhhh Yea!!!” I’m quitting smoking. For this…. I am SOOOOO grateful. It is no longer consuming me. I made it over the hump and hopefully will NEVER have to deal with it again!!

Although I know that I must always and forever think of myself as “quitting smoking” so as not to go back like I did this past time, I will probably mark this goal “completed” at the three month mark… December 9th 2009. : ) Awesomeness!

: ) I’m not going to smoke.. but this afternoon was so funny. I allowed myself to say out loud what I was feeling. I wasn’t upset or unhappy about anything but out of my mouth came “I just want to sit here and smoke a million cigarettes” : ) ... I think it was the quantity of coffee I had had by 2:00 today that made me feel like smoking… and A LOT. I am not going to and I actually really don’t want to. IT was just an impulse. Fleeting at best.

Had a rough few days there struggling through withdrawl perhaps…. while struggling through some emotionally difficult places. Next friday will be one month already! Wow! Time flies! That is awesome!

So I think I learned that when I am very emotionally challenged with something, my default is “Go buy cigarettes”. I so desperately want the feelings to go away so anything that will mask or distract me from the feeling is a “good thing”. Smoking I guess has always been the default for years. So it’s like not having that friend to turn to. But with friends like cigarettes… who needs enemies, right??

So I had a very challenging last week emotionally…. and I am proud to say that I DID NOT smoke. I made it through. I almost feel like I can do anything now… might have been one of the hardest things I’ve done in my entire life. I do want to thank my friends here for rooting me on!!! You were very helpful and an amazing support. I feel proud of myself but I couldn’t have done it without you!

Wow! It’s been 21 days of being smoke free. 4 days patch free.

I’m having an even more difficult time today than I was yesterday. I’ve had to convince myself 3 times in the past 15 minutes not to go buy a pack of cigarettes.

I’m having a rough day. I know smoking isn’t going to change ANYTHING. I guess I know that it will give me a temporary reprieve from my feeling of uncomfortableness. But at what expense?

Giving in to this urge is going to damage me.

-Hinders the completion of this goal … back to Day 1 all over again.
-Makes me physically dependent on the nicotine again… which I should almost be over?
-SMOKING CAUSES SO MANY DISEASES! TERMINAL ONES!

And it’s not about having ONE cigarette… it’s about what that one cigarette means…. it means I’m still a smoker. It means that I am at risk for smoking another and another and another….

I see myself above this again. I see a future where when things are bothering me, I have a different approach to dealing with my problems.

Not sure why today was so incredibly difficult for me… even with the tear jerking public service announcement I saw… and I’ve been off the patch for couple full days now…. ugh! Probably going through some withdrawal still… and some hormones. I didn’t sleep well AT ALL last night … so I’ve been a little on edge and irritable today. But I managed through nonetheless… I weathered the storm…. emailed my friend who is also quitting so I could stay in check and motivated… knowing that I’m a motivation or at least accountable to someone else, helps keep me in check too. I love that at one point today I actually said out loud “No! Smoking a cigarette is not going to make it go away.” : ) I put that little nicotine voice in its place! lol

As I did last time, I used the patch. I’m kind of over the patch right now. It was definitely helpful in getting me through the first week…. which to me is the hardest. I didn’t put a new one on yesterday as I have been sick… and not showering : ) lol … I really cant motivate when I’m sick… and well isn’t it good to give your skin and hair some time off from the daily regime mandated by society?! : )

So, I did two weeks of the 14 mg and I’m on two days of the 7mg… I don’t want to be too premature about it, but I kind of want to take the plunge and work through the 3 days of real withdrawal…

I love the principle behind the patch. Get into the habit of NOT smoking, NOT reaching for cigarettes…. wean off of the need for high levels of nicotine…

I have bronchitis and since I’m not responding well to the anti-biotic, there is concern I have walking pneumonia (gee, I wonder what may have prompted this…)

So the question is:

... should I continue with the patch as not to tax my body with withdrawal while it’s already struggling to get better? Or should I go for it anyway… maybe a nicotine free system trumps any withdrawal symptoms anyway in regards to healthy body repair?

Didn’t think twice about it today. Have to keep myself in check though…. this insidious monster…

Almost broke down and then found my center… found what I really wanted… not a cigarette… knew I didn’t want to start all over again. I’m already starting all over again except 11 days under my belt already. I’m happy. I am embodying resilience and strength. I can do this no matter what.