Open Letter. — 4 months ago
Remember that one time you said, “Everyone has a system.” I made this one just from you, because I wrote you before. Remember? I don’t want to be a buzz kill to your theory of mankind.
I’m writing you a second time.
To let you know nothing here has changed.
If you really wanted me, you could have had me. But, I assumed you did not because you went back to Karen*. Which I thought was the dumbest thing the smartest person I knew could ever do. Considering what she did to you. It made me think tons less of you. It was total BPD: I idealize you one moment and then ‘abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights.’ All the advice you had ever given me turned to crap. And it hurt you chose a cheater who made you loss your job and you never had anything nice to say about over me.
But I’ve never met her. I was always optimistic that you were just being dramatic. So, I reassured my self again and again that you had made a smart decision. But the truth is, you did not. You fucked up. And you had a plethora of chances to reconsider. [What ever happen to the Asian girl thing, man?!] But now she is having your baby or ‘A’ baby because you claimed not to be able to have children. What a miracle. This must have been what you always wanted all along! Being that you never did anything to change it, prevent it or stop it. Why do people need to cling on to a person even when they know they are being destroyed? Why couldn’t you let go?
What’s going to happen when Karen is faking being sick and you’re having an episode? Not trying to be Debby Downer… just know when your child is born you will fuck it up. Every parent does this. You have to accept that, okay. Babies don’t fix problems, they make more problems. At least continue faking it with Karen for the rest of your life though. And pray to your God that the little he or she never finds out. You do need to learn about babies and toddlers, too. Five to Seventeen is not cutting it, True Story.
I’m not your “bebe”. You wouldn’t like it if I touched your “body”. You don’t want to run away with me to New York. Stop giving me false hope!! And I don’t give a fuck about that, “One time my dad walked in on me and Karen having…” Stop breaking my heart!!!
Oh, and I was not surprised when you told me Karen said, “You only like me for something’s.” I’ve always had that impression.
But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you just suck at letting me know that you’re happy. What ever it is, I’m sorry I had to tell you like this. I’ve been telling myself not to because it wouldn’t change anything. And I didn’t want to be a home wreaker. I’m just tired and upset with the whole situation. And now you’re dragging a baby into it, which you’ve asked me to Godmother. So, it’s like I’ll always be a part of this. Which I won’t normally have a problem with. But when shit hits the fan, don’t say I didn’t tell you so. And don’t complain about it to me. Because it only reassures what I once heard a song and now take to heart: “To understand, you must spend time alone. To comprehend, you must spend time alone. To be together, we must spend time alone.” Think about it.
Ps. I call you Maps because my kind’s your kind, I’ll stay the same and they don’t love you like I love you. Whatever that means, right.
This is why I turn and walk away from everything
I never thought it’d be like this
And I would rather be… Lonely along the way
Nicole.
[I wrote this letter one night when i was peeved at Maps. Don’t know if i’ll ever send it…]
