TO DO: Reboot Myself in 2012

2012… Lots of growth left behind… Lots more to do.

State in January 2012?

Brain, ridden with ADHD… Body, chronically fatigued… Psyche, darkened with repressed rage. I realized my poor state when travelling as I caught every conceivable bug a traveller can catch!

State in January 2013?

Brain, no change in performance but a better understanding of how it works.

Body? Still fatigued but learning to take care of it.

Psyche, much lighter yet. Brooding, at its lowest in years. Eureka for progress!

Psyche’s Reboot

Namely, 2012 was filled with ruminating, internal work about past issues that were never dealt with.

Never having learned how to manage bullying, conflict, the alienation of family, disappointing friendships, people’s malice and imperfections… I must have procrastinated (repressed) every slight I ever received… Hoping a better day would come.

That day never came and I had to face all of it at once… In an internally, psychologically explosive year.

Acknowledging the truth, of how my childhood SUCKED! Of how my nearly 10-year relationship sucked. Of how my family sucks. And my friends too, sometimes…

Mourning all that I missed and still miss… Was key for a proper reboot.

I’m still mourning, I still brood. But not being consumed by rage lets you go about a much sweeter day.

Now…

I made a few mistakes in this reboot year.

Like getting back to work too soon. And I think I’m due for a real sabbatical one day. But not now.

Now, I want to continue this tedious but rewarding work.

We’re about half way done here. Give it another year for the reboot to be complete.

In less than 2 months, I’ll have to face the fact that superficially, nothing has changed in 2012.

The brooding, the ruminating, the lifestyle… It’s seemingly as it was in 2011 and prior…

But lots of hard work has gone into this reboot. Reading lots. Questioning lots. Thinking lots. New realizations. Coming to terms. Hopefully, coming of age.

In the middle of the nitty-gritty process of rebooting… It’s an agenda of self-learning, “self-facing”, solution-finding, trouble-shooting and closure.

The work is intense and not immediately rewarding when one gets to know oneself, learning the feeling in one’s legs and one’s psyche, resensitizing oneself to pleasure and pain (something other than primal feelings), dealing with latent health issues (ADHD, chronic fatigue), not to mention personal issues…

I’ll have nothing spectacular to report by the end of the year, but a very real, genuine growth.

...I think it’s line from a Peanuts comic.

Well lows aside, one should point out that this year has been eventful… in a bad and good way too.

Had the coolest trip in Asia and Australia and was officially bitten by the travel bug. I plan on leaving again :P

I’m finishing up an 8-week program of stress-reducing mindfulness meditation, which follows Jon Kabat Zinn’s teachings. Though I’ve not been practicing diligently, it’s been great being around kind, supportive and self-aware people. Even the girl who speaks the least in the group says she’s going to miss it. How about that?

The girlfriends and I have been seeing a lot of each other and building a nice dynamic. I get fed up easily but hey! A reboot doesn’t rewrite your DNA! NEVA a people-person.

Found a great exercise program, which I look forward to going to all the time.

So my work groove is up and down… But honestly, as important as my job has always been, it’s taking a back seat. I’m prioritizing rebooting and working comes next.

Yesterday I thought, I’m traveling, working out ballet-style, drawing (not well!), photographing and planning to move. I’m not on top of things but it’s not bad at all. My life is starting to look like my own. That feels nice.

Dang, I’m taking the whole year for this darned reboot and it’s going a bit slow.

I had time to burn-out, travel, go back to work and slightly burn-out again. Brood and brood. Oh and insert one fun fling (hihi!).

I’m opening the lid on some old demons and dealing with them.

Rebooting is tough work. Because I have to reprogram the entire way I think. Every reflex. Everything!

I can’t deny that it’s kind of working. Lots of buttons are getting pushed. But though I’m indulging in them, I’m also being mindful of them. I indulge more than anything else. It’s a form of acknowledgement after you’ve spent so much time denying any trauma you’ve had in the past. The brooding has its uses. I just wished it was less tedious and it didn’t wear me out.

I’m always tense. My body is always in fight or flight. It’s always producing so much cortisol and I burn out easily and the body weakens, though there is seemingly nothing wrong. So I just look lazy or something.

Most days are mix of neutrals and brooding lows. I’d like the lows to be more manageable.

So been trying a few things that have not worked but still experimenting with a few more.

Because I’m actively on it, somehow I know it’s just a matter of time. But meanwhile is it ever exhausting work!!!

Okay so sleep deprivation, loss of appetite, lack of exercise and being an overall headcase has its meh moments :P

But there’s light too.

I’ve been kind of stagnating at work lately, just progressing in a very different way. And in appearance, I’m the worst analyst at work.

After this many years at this job, everyone has been promoted to project director. I should be embarrassed that I’m lagging behind like the worst student in the classroom.

Not to mention, because so many of us have the same jobs and climb the same ranks. Comparisons are easy.

Yet…

For all of my tardiness, missed deadlines (nothing dramatic, but not ideal) and well… burn-outs… I get so much favourable feedback too. The kind where one of the two partners says he charges me at director rate because in his mind, that’s where I’m at.

And the kind where one of the senior project directors tells another analyst how much he enjoys working with me and how much he learns from me every time he does.

The fellow analyst was kind enough to relay the compliment (she’s quite competitive and now openly tries to pick my mind LOL There’s nothing special there! Just hard work!).

Well, it’s very flattering. Especially given how he’s more experienced than me by 2 or 3 years… How he specializes in a distinct field and I’m more of a generalist.

It hurts when you know you could do better but can’t get your act together. But it helps to know that being last doesn’t mean being bad.

I had put off my Toronto move when I well… Burnt out…

But these past few days spent in Toronto have kind of rekindled my yearning to move. Not to mention, the biggest urges to leave the city have made me drive to all kinds of places.

Really enjoyed Toronto. I like the anonymity, the businesses, the availabilities of all kinds of activities that have not yet caught up where I live here.

Admittedly, I may be a bit more commercial than the average local here. Though the city’s hunt for success is a bit alienating (local magazine title: “They’re young, affluent and coming to Toronto”), it’s not all that dissimilar to me. I enjoy pushing myself. Not necessarily for the yuppie label though.

Will give some more thought. Just need the discipline to pick myself up and save up for the move.

...I have to come to terms with the fact that I’m not quite up to par.

I’m weaker than most.

I also have more to deal with than most, due to nature and nurture.

I’m functionally weak. I always try hard. My bosses always believe in me.

I’m not there yet. I may never get there. Don’t know.

But I’d like to accept my weakness and retain some dignity through it. I’m weaker. Not as good as the others. It’s okay. I have to learn to accept it, if I ever want to hope to be truly functional… Not just as good as the others. But as functional as can be for my normalcy.

Been having a tough couple days.

Today was especially tough.

But I know you have to fully live through your lows for a real reboot.

So missed one big deadline and still chronically fatigued.

That being said, let’s not forget progress.

COGNITIVE PROGRESS

Been better at concentrating, executive functions for several weeks now and even better in the past few days with the new drug dosage.

Cognitive struggling feels as though it’s at…
10% of prior struggling for normal tasks;
50% of normal struggling for difficult tasks or when under difficult circumstances or when physically tired.

GOOD RESULTS – PERFECTIBLE PROCESS

A bit better at admin.
A bit better with following up.

Submitting even better work than before.

Some of it done faster than ever.

Some of it, as indecisive, poorly designed as before. But have better self-awareness to learn the lesson and to think of strategies.

Less iterative in some things (questionnaire programming – my no. 1 priority).
As iterative in others (data processing – not yet a priority).
Need improvement in project proposal iterations (am less experienced at that).

Working memory and abstract planning of data remain very poor.
Concrete project planning remains more than adequate, IMO.

Mental sense of time and deadlines need improvement.

Now, cognition is starting to dwindle, but I know it’s due to poor sleeping and eating. Recovery is important. I don’t want to miss another deadline. I think I’m gonna ask for a week off or at least, very part time.

3 reports submitted in 4 weeks time.

Week 1 – Report 1.
ADD: 1; Chronic Fatigue: 1

2 all-nighters (3 hours sleep per night).

Report planned and written with difficulty. Exhausted due to my poor working memory. Found a good strategy around it but was burned out by then.

Client gave a raving review.
Deadline comfortably respected.

Week 2 – No report due.

Spent the week doing light tasks and recovering from week 1.

Week 3 – Report 2.
ADD: 0; Chronic Fatigue: 1

Report 2 is due even though I’m not done recovering. Spent 3 days in bed (a mix of working from home and cutting work days short).

Report 2 is heavily based on Report 1. Made it in a fraction of the time. Only one all-nighter for this one.

Usually tight-lipped boss was extremely satisfied. Said he understood why the client was so happy with Report 1.
Deadline: Even more comfortably respected.
No client feedback yet.

Week 4 –
ADD: 0; Chronic Fatigue 1.

Burned out by now but can’t recover. Report 4 and report 2 are due only 2 business days apart… Which is why I couldn’t get Report 3 started until the VERY last minute.

Was too tired / fed up to start over the week-end (I would normally spend the week-end staring at a blank page trying to write but decided against it this time).

Spent 26 hours in intensive writing sprint.

Handed it in too last minute. Big Boss stayed up until 10 h 00 p.m. to revise it. Big Boss was disappointed in the timing but says he understood my work load prior.

I know I should have submitted parts sooner so that he could start and finish comfortably.

I feel guilty, unprofessional and… just not on top of things for it. Especially seeing as to how nice Big Boss is about it. I really don’t believe I deserve his benevolence. And I don’t see how he can tolerate me much longer, his elastic has to snap at some point.

Big Boss seemed fairly satisfied with the work.
Quite impressed with my speed.
Surprised at the complexity of the analysis, which he had underestimated.
I’m sure this is work that he was proud to present to the client.
But again, he was disappointed in the timing.

Personally, I think it’s some of my best work ever for that client.
I’m encouraged at my ease. No headaches. No cognitive struggling. No struggling with the analysis, structure or decision making. More importantly, no struggling with language, which is huge for me. It flowed. It was easy.

I’m so frustrated. Had plenty of brain power to write this one. But I missed the ONE deadline that really mattered.

I’m disappointed in myself. Though I know I did do my best.

So…
In terms of quality, I’m up to speed.
In terms of productivity, my best is not enough for this job…

If I had to do it again, I think I would have insisted with the client on waiting a few more days to submit Report 4. She knows that she’ll always get excellent quality… And our work is worth the wait.

But I don’t know whether it would have changed anything. Whether I would have found it in me to start and finish earlier to respect the last deadline.

I might very well have failed myself and my boss again.

But asking for better conditions is my responsibility.

I’m not a point where I can afford anything less than the best conditions.

It’s like I want it so badly, I commit to things I’ll will myself into doing but run out of steam before the finish line.

Frustrating.