Move back to California.

that I live here. I can go out and smell those exquisite roses any time I want. Life is good.

I’ve learned from the gardener that I can catch the 116 bus from 7-11, about 15 minutes away, and it will take me to the nearest train station, where I can catch a bus to wherever I wish to go in the county. My sister and b-i-l have been feeding me, giving me beer and driving me around. I’m lucky to have such a great family. My mom and dad each said how happy they are to have me here.

My room is almost in order. I’m tired today after two days of hauling boxes, including three trips to my parents’ house to store boxes and the two chairs I brought with me. So I’m taking it fairly easy. I put away a few items, take a rest and then put away a few more. Most everything survived the move, except one floor lamp, a large print and a trash can. Not bad.

I talked to Mr. Man about 30 minutes ago. Talked and then got off the phone and cried. Was it a mistake for us not to break up before I left? I feel hurt by his loyalty to old habits and environments. He’s unhappy with his life and his self right now and doesn’t know how to start changing. I ache for him that he won’t change what isn’t working. I ache for me that he won’t change. It feels – and this may be my delicate heart speaking – that he would rather be miserable in familiar surroundings than fully engaged and growing in a new place. I guess we have taught each other all that we could and I should be grateful.

Shoot! The guy is picking up the cube and I think my mom is here. I look like hell and you know she’ll see that I’ve been crying. More later. Love you guys!

I’m on my folks’ ancient computer and haven’t much time, but I’m in CA. I’m not marking this as Done yet because I don’t yet feel that I live here. My b-i-l is driving me around today to get food and such. My stuff should arrive next week. The room is much bigger than I remember and between that and my parents’ garage, I probably won’t need to get a storage space. The bed is delicious and I have my own bathroom and a cleaning person comes every other week. Sweet!

My allergies are going nuts and leaving Mr. Man was…how can I express it? Walking away from him at the airport almost broke me. We cried like babies. I’ve talked to him a few times since. His work situation isn’t great right now either, so he’s miserable. I know I haven’t realized yet that we aren’t together as a couple.

I walked from my house down to my sister and her husband’s place this morning, past the rose bushes and the trees and the abandoned shed, in the morning sun with the birds and squirrels singing and chirping and bouncing about and thought, “This is my life. My life.” I smiled.

It’s a start.

We got everything packed into the pod except the bed. I’m selling that to Mr. Man’s mom for the spare room, since it won’t fit.

Mr. Man had a car wreck and his car isn’t drivable. He’s okay. The insurance companies are still waiting for the police report to show up online, so we’re without transport. That’s stressing both of us out. How are we going to get the bed to his mom’s place? How am I going to get to the airport? Ugh.

My sister can’t take time off right now and I can’t give people a solid date on when the pod will be there, so it will probably be just me and my brother-in-law unpacking everything. Then I have to find a storage space, rent a truck and get everything into storage. I’m stressed to the max and if one more person tells me it’s going to be okay, I may have to kill them. I would prefer to do it slowly, but I don’t have the time. Did I mention stressed? Yeah, pretty much.

The guy who bought my car swears he’s transferred the title but the copy hasn’t shown up so that’s (surprise!) stressing me out. The HR person who told me my final check would be deposited on the 18th was wrong and I’m still waiting for it to show up. Stress. My computer is being really buggy. I am a rash from top to toe.

On the plus side, I had some absinthe at a jazz club while waiting for a friend to sing and it was lovely. Mr. Man and I wrote a duet that’s gotten rave reviews from the musicians who have heard it. Getting rid of the bed means almost all the remnants of my married life are gone. The “birthday” party this Sat for Mr. Man is a big going-away party for me and now that one of our friends slipped up and told me, I can help Mr. Man with it. He’s having it catered by this amazing vegetarian restaurant and he’s invited everyone I know in NC. There will be music and drinking and dancing and silliness and lots of good friends to send me on my way. I’d like to wrap up all the loose ends so I can relax and enjoy.

Did I mention that I’m stressed? I’m a little stressed. I’ll be incommunicado for most of the next week or so, I think. Hold me in your thoughts.

Terminated home phone service and internet, packed up winter coats, linens and uhhh, some more stuff and got Mr. Man’s birthday present.

Tonight after work I’ll get an external hard drive, back up the computer and figure out what I’m wearing the next two days.

Tomorrow, I’ll attend all the Board functions, sync the iPod and continue to get CDs into iTunes.

Saturday and Sunday, I’ll pack like crazy. Saturday morning, I’ll drop off the rental car.

Monday, I’ll pick up my medical records and pack some more. Tues and Weds, more packing. Thurs they drop off the cube and on Thurs and Friday we move everything in there, padlock it and call the movers.

Monday the 28th, they pick up the cube and we clean the apartment. Tues, the 29th, we go to Charlotte and spend the night. Weds, the 30th, I fly out in the morning.

The car is sold, the money deposited and the rental car in the parking lot. SHOOT!

Okay, back after a few minutes break and now know what to do so the overly enthusiastic parking deck lady doesn’t have the rental car towed.

Mr. Man got every box the ABC store had when he got the liquor for his birthday party. He asked if I needed big boxes and when I answered in the affirmative, he gave me a slug of Tullamore Dew straight from the bottle, drove out to OfficeMax and bought me some, along with six rolls of packing tape on holders. I am ready to pack up everything that doesn’t run away.

I need to get a final check from the woman who bought my furniture, take the Auto Trader ad down, keep adding CDs to iTunes and pack, pack, pack. My sister’s been sick but as soon as she’s well, I’ll ask if she’s tracked down some storage prospects close to the house. I’m getting my hair cut tonight and will pick up my medical records tomorrow.

One of my dearest friends, who lives in San Francisco, has been IMing me every day to make sure I’m okay and tell me I’m doing great. She’s going through some upheaval in her life and is one of the busiest people I know, so it means a lot. She told me the other day to remember that I have people there who love me and will do whatever needs to be done. I am a lucky woman who needs to relax and RECEIVE the help and support that I’m being given.

EDIT: I also informed all my credit cards of the change of address and mailed in the phone rebate info. Sorry for these boring updates, guys, but I worry I’ll waste time trying to do things more than once. As it is, the very cheerful woman at one of the credit card companies told me I’d already changed my address, verified the info and added, “You are clearly quite efficient, my dear!”

As of tonight, I’ll be carless and have enough to pay the movers. When the buyer asked me if I could go lower than $1500, I said, “I think I can get $1500, so…” and he didn’t try to haggle any more. Whew! I may rent a car for the next few days, since Mr. Man and I are both working this week. Next week, he’s devoting his time to helping me get ready. I have ten days left to pack up everything. Gulp!

I mailed my COBRA enrollment form and first check this morning, so I’ve got health insurance through the end of May. I got paid for the guitar, too. Replaced my old cellphone, which was over two years old and getting cranky. I didn’t realize the new phone had video capability until I had shot a few shorts of me going, “You look so funny…wait…I’m trying to get this to take a picture…”

Mr. Man and I wondered through the mall while we were waiting for the guy to come look at the car. I was stressing out badly enough that he asked if I wanted some Xanax and I considered it. Finally, he told me it was going to be okay one too many times and I snapped, “When you’re anxious and people tell you it’s going to be okay, has that ever helped? Now I feel like I’m doing something wrong by being stressed!” I also snapped at him about some feature on the phone. I apologized. My stress isn’t a reason to be rude to him.

I also listened to a 25 minute explanation on the phone of why someone “needs” to see me in person for three to five minutes and how it would be no longer than that and wouldn’t be dramatic. Um, if it takes you 25 tear-filled minutes to tell me that if it doesn’t happen, “there will be real consequences in my life and I don’t even know if you care,” I doubt your ability to give me a quick goodbye hug and that’s about all I can handle right now. I listened and listened and said that it didn’t seem like something we could resolve and said goodbye. Good for me for being a bitch and protecting the last shreds of my composure!

I’ve had a few nibbles on the car. I’ll follow up and hope to show it to two different potential buyers after work today. I’m getting an oil change during lunch, so my baby will be on her best behavior.

I got all my bed linens packed last night except the sheets on the bed. Also packed the airbed and pump and put more clothes in the Goodwill pile. I’ve finally finished sorting my journals and am ready to pack up the paperwork. Finished throwing assorted items into two boxes and got them sealed and moved into the front room. It feels good to see progress. I’m hoping to pick up more boxes after work.

I feel like I’ve slowed down on this again. I fixed some iTunes issues yesterday and got more CDs transferred, but other than sorting journals into Full of Deep Thoughts and Still Space for More Deep Thoughts, I didn’t get much done. Packed one box of shoes, put some loose software CDs in a holder and sent an email to my godmother about what I should store and what I should bring. Put one pair of shoes and three scarves in the Goodwill pile.

I heard back from her this morning and I can store all my linens and cookware. That’s good to know. I’ll be able to pack linens tonight after I pick up more boxes. A woman from WV who’s moving into the area called about my car but didn’t leave her number. I also got an email from a woman who said she was a single mom with two kids whose car had just died and she needed to know my absolute bottom price.

I got Target, Barnes & Noble & Amazon.com gift certificates, a piece of local art and $75 in cash at my going-away lunch yesterday. Maybe I can change the address for all my credit cards tonight. It would be nice to scratch something off the big list.

Two more bags of trash and another bag of stuff for Goodwill. The studio closet is a direct relative of the wardrobe in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. How can this much junk have been stored in there?

Threw away some live coals: the 100 scraps of paper on which I had written 100 things I loved about my husband for Valentine’s Day one year, my letter to him on our second anniversary, the piece of art that incorporated our vows that I gave him on our first anniversary, a letter he wrote me pledging his support and love. I kept some journals of our time together and the time right after he died. It makes me sad for people I know who are still married to active alcoholics and addicts. It’s like walking a tightwire made of razors while juggling poisonous snakes, all the while maintaining the facade of “everything’s fine!”

Put the car on Auto Trader. Talked to the HR person about COBRA health insurance coverage. $358.02 a month. Ouch! She’s going to have them email me the forms. Cancelled some magazine subscriptions.

Tonight I’ll pack office supplies and accessories and shoes. I’ll also send an email to my godmother to see what resources we’ll share (linens? cookware? shelf space?), so I better know which items will go to storage.