Take care of one difficult thing today

I got a call this morning from the eBay store telling me that they couldn’t sell my wedding set without a receipt. I was immediately enraged, tearful, ready to rip apart the woman who called me. I brag that I did an emergency Spring Cleaning on “People who can’t do their f!ing jobs” because I didn’t want to spiral into major pissiness. Here’s part of what emerged after I asked myself the question “What do you have on people who can’t do their f!ing jobs?” several times:

“I am scared of those rings. I want them. I want them to be mine. I want to still be the married woman with the beautiful rings. I don’t want to be the single woman with no sign of marriage on the horizon.”

I don’t think I want to be married in the legal way. I think I discovered a pocket of sorrow that a marriage that began with such beauty ended so viciously. I think letting go of those rings feels like letting go of all hopes of happily living together in a long-term relationship. Those rings represent being chosen, being put first in someone else’s heart.

Here’s my new plan. I will pick up the set from the eBay store and apologize to the woman for being a raving bitch. I will take them home and do a ceremony to release my attachment and ask that it be converted into a hefty sum of money that will fund my current pleasure path. Then I will take the rings to the estate consignment store that the eBay store recommended, where they can be appraised and sold. I may be able to sell the masks my husband bought in Africa there, too.

One thing that I will buy with the money I get from selling my wedding rings is a new ring, a ring that I will wear on my right ring finger, a ring that symbolizes my love and eternal commitment to myself. I will buy it from Tiffany & Co. and I will pick it out in person, at the shop. It will represent being chosen, being put first in my own heart. It’s going to be hard to let the old rings go and hard to release the idea that being chosen by another is more valid than being chosen by myself.

All that sounds great. But here’s what happened when I went to the bathroom just now so I wouldn’t cry at work. I sat on the toilet seat and put my head down and heard this inside me: I’m not okay with my marriage being over.

One of my best friends is getting married this weekend. I know her absolute faith in forever is hard for me to witness. I’ve been there. Forever doesn’t exist. Even in long lasting relationships, someone dies first. For fuck’s fucking sake, it’s been almost six years since he died. I’ve been to counseling, done EMDR, done rituals, and have been in love for over two years. This entire year has been dedicated to creating an unshakable core of self-love and now this rears its ugly rotting head again? When is enough healing enough?

turtle goal or just keep folding this goal into monthly bootcamps, but this wording doesn’t work for me anymore.

too much to eat them, even metaphorically, but I have gone to the gyn, gotten a mammogram, and made the tough call to the copier sales rep since I last posted here.

I still need to make a dental appointment and that other thing. Though I don’t know if I should do that other thing or if it would gum everything up. Ugh. Why can’t that person know what I want and give it to me without me having to ask about it and freak out about appearing demanding?

transferred my AAA membership from NC to CA. It only took nine phone calls, including three disconnects. Thank goodness one of the last ladies I spoke with had a good sense of humor.

Still need to make and go to dentist and GYN appointments.

EDIT: Just made GYN appointment. It’s so much easier when you can do it online. I’m assuming my boss will let me take time off on that day.

and I haven’t done them and don’t want to and don’t want to and don’t bloody want to!!

Onward. The difficult thing I just did was sit down with myself and figure out why I was so hurt by something Mr. Yes did, when I had told him I not only didn’t mind, but wanted him to do it, as it would make him happy. It turns out that although I said that, and thought I meant it, I had a picture in my head of what I really wanted him to do and was setting up a test of sorts. If he truly loved me, he would magically know that I wanted him to do X instead of Y. The kind of behavior that drives me crazy in other people. I wrote a page and a half of figuring out what was going on and it wasn’t pretty. Here’s where I ended up:

“Moving into loving myself means that I can love Mr. Yes – and everyone in my life – without requiring them to make me feel lovable. When I rely on other people to make me feel lovable, I set them up to disappoint me. Even those who love me and express it can’t change the way I feel about myself. It’s not their job. It’s my job. Accepting their love, as they offer it, is part of my journey. I want it to look and feel a certain way. I want to control how they express it. I want them to know what I really want even when I say something completely different. I would run away from someone who demanded all that!

Today, I will bring myself back into balance by journaling, being gentle and loving in my self-talk, connecting with Divine love, and letting myself be sad about releasing my habit of manipulating others into expressing their love for me in the way I want it expressed. I’ve been relying on that pattern for a long time and facing life and love without it is scary. It may not be a healthy skill, but it’s a skill and choosing not to use it makes me feel a little less capable in relationships. (I typed “choosing not to lose it” first. HA!) It makes me feel helpless and lonely. I’m letting go of control and stepping out in faith. Every time I do that, miracles bloom. It feels like a desert right now, but I know night brings blossoms to the desert and will to my heart.”

This qualifies as a difficult thing, but I still need to go to the damn dentist and GYN and do a hundred other such mundane difficult tasks. I’ll be returning to this goal soon and regularly.

Was that me? Was I high? I don’t want to do difficult things. Difficult things should be done for me. What am I, an adult?

oh. that.

Today’s shouldnt-be-difficult-but-somehow-is thing is to iron all the clothes I will need for work for the next three days and hang up or put away every single piece of clothing that is in my room. This includes the vintage negligees that ask me daily why they’re stuffed into a basket, not hung on the wall. Since hanging them on the wall won’t work in this room, I need to store them. It’s another reminder that this space isn’t really mine.

Most of these “difficult tasks” are fairly easy. The difficult part is overcoming resentment that I work all day and then come home, do chores, and go to bed. I want time for art and time to do nothing. If the damn tasks don’t get done, I have a disorganized life that doesn’t put me in the frame of mind to enjoy any time I give myself for art or languid lounging. If all I do is chores, I’m tired and small-minded when I go to the page or the canvas.

I don’t know where balance lies. Once my godmother’s father leaves on Sunday, I’ll be able to use my bathroom when I want, iron a few pieces in the morning or at night, and have a few quiet moments to myself when I get home from work. That will ease some pressure. Perhaps giving myself 30 minutes of go-go-go chore time as soon as I get home and before I change out of my work clothes would work. If I’m in work clothes, I’m in work mind. As soon as I change into home clothes, I want my time to be spent on pleasure.

This isn’t rocket science! People with kids get stuff done. Why can’t I?

was admitting that the scrapbook Mr. Yes made me doesn’t work for collaging and making my own pages for it. I wanted it to work because he put such care into it. I can still use the outside, just have to swap out the pages. This probably doesn’t sound difficult at all, but I have a horror of making anyone I love feel bad.

The other difficult thing is setting aside guilt about chores that need to be done and using my day off on Monday to go to the shore with Mr. Yes. That should be a fun thing, right? But I’m stressing over getting my fingerprints and other stuff done for state certification. Still, I’m choosing FUN over HAVE TO.

EDIT: My third difficult thing is leaving more toiletries at Mr. Yes’s house so I don’t have to pack so much every weekend. He’s going to think it’s obvious I should leave stuff there and wonder why I’m asking and I’m going to feel like I’m being intrusive. Ummmm, he emptied the bedside table and refers to it as mine. A few more items will make no difference. It took me forever to suggest leaving a toothbrush and razor. Why are so many of my difficult things actually easy things that make me behave ridiculously?

NEWSFLASH: I HATE THIS GOAL!

I redid my budget and emailed it to myself. The numbers confirmed that I should be able to stay on track with my current salary and yet I keep shorting myself in saving. That means that the other part of this will be tracking my monthly spending for the last six months and seeing where I’m going off track.

Yep. Still hate this goal.

was to download all the forms and instructions for getting my CA Certified Massage Therapist license and not slip into negative thinking. Tonight, after I get a haircut, pick up some meds, and eat dinner, I’ll launch into Difficult Thing, Part II: filling out the application form, the Livescan fingerprint form, and an online request for the school to send a transcript to the certifying agency. I might not get all the way through the form tonight, as I have to find all my CEU hours and other annoying bits of info, but I’ll try. I’d like to get this done and off to them by the middle of next week. I’m hoping to get the fingerprints done on Monday. I’ve got my fingers crossed this costs less than $200, total.

EDIT: Did I mention I hate this goal? I hate this goal. Need it, hate it. Ick!

hate this goal and I’ve had it approximately 3 seconds. I also need this goal. Hate + need = me still typing so I don’t have to think about what today’s difficult thing is going to be.