Calm Energy: I think calm may not be my thing. Alive and energetic, yes. Calm? Not so much. I turned the corner on Sunday and finally felt healthy again. Took a quick walk/run to the store and back, did some crying that was overdue, and read. I didn’t sleep terribly well, but I think I’ve got enough energy to get through work, get to Mr. Yes’s, do two Halloweens in two different neighborhoods, and fall into bed. I’m giving up on calm.
Creativity: Poems, pictures in my head.
Social: Seeing my sister between work and date tomorrow night. Tentative plans with a flaky friend for Weds or Thurs night. Going to a conference this weekend, where I’ll see lots of good friends.
Nothing: I soaked in Nothing on my ride home yesterday and part of the ride to work today.
Calm Energy: I canceled my plans for this afternoon and tonight so I can go home, walk to the library at a slow pace, and go back home to curl up on the couch. BUT, I took a sleeping pill last night and slept for 8 hours straight! That hasn’t happened in a loooong time! It would have been 7 hours if I hadn’t forgotten my cellphone in the living room when I went to bed. Wow. 8 hours. I had forgotten it was possible.
Oakland is fairly tense right now. Helicopter sounds all day and night and sirens most nights and tons of police presence all over the city, most of it not OPD, at least in my area. This is such a beautiful city, full of beautiful, passionate people. I’m proud of those who are standing up to injustice and I worry for their safety. I’m disappointed in Mayor Quan and wouldn’t even look at an OPD officer right now. They are definitely running hot and defensive. None of it leads to calm, but there is definitely energy aplenty! I was wired to the gills last night. Thank god for sleep meds.
Creativity: Something is coming out of this stillness and darkness. I can feel it forming itself inside me. Nothing to do but incubate.
Social: Screw social right now. I need alone time and to listen to myself.
Nothing: I would benefit from more meditation. Maybe on my walk to the library and back.
Calm Energy: It turns out I was brewing a fairly nasty bladder infection yesterday, in addition to (as a result of?) being sleep-deprived. It was heading the way of the kidney infection I had last Spring, but I drank so much water I nearly drowned and managed to get the antibiotics and drive home. Bladder infections hurt like hell, but it doesn’t seem to be knocking me off my feet like the kidney infection. Still slamming water and the fever’s gone down and I’m no longer pissing blood. So…yeah? I don’t look so zombie-like this morning.
The good news is that I posted a rant on a private fb site and have gotten such great support. A woman has emailed me holosync tracks. Another is an ayurvedic coach and is going to send me some tips to clear up a vatta imbalance. The other women sent love and refrained from asking me if I’d tried [insert no-fail insomnia treatment I’ve already tried here].
I took a pain pill last night and slept from 8:30pm to 6:30am, getting up every few hours to pee and once when we had a decently rattly earthquake. It felt great to be in bed that long. Tonight I’ll get back on my sleep restriction schedule.
I did some weight work the other day because my body wanted to lift weights. I haven’t had a walk/run in awhile and I miss it. I’ll wait until the fever is definitely gone and I’m not peeing every 15 minutes before I start again.
Creativity: I have persistence when it comes to the poem a day thing. Other than that, I’ve done little that’s creative.
Social: This time I cancelled on my sister. I was just too sick to go out. I did call Mr. Yes to hear a loving voice.
Nothing: Does drug-induced staring count as Nothing? If so, I’m right on track.
Calm Energy: I just wept at my desk, in front of my concerned volunteer, at the news from a different sleep doc that my sleep study is completely normal. There is no pathological reason that I wake up after a few hours of sleep. Both she and the sleep doc that referred me have said that they can resolve the circadian rhythm issues, but it will take a long time of disciplined sleep scheduling. Right now, I feel desperate. I don’t feel like I have a long time before I lose my mind from sleep deprivation. I’m exhausted all the goddamn time. How can I have either calm or energy if I don’t have sleep?
I don’t care what else I was trying to do this month. The moon can shoot itself. I’m going to go cry in the bathroom and then get through this day and then stay up until 11pm, take a sleeping pill, put myself in bed, and see what 1am or 2am or 3am brings.
Calm Energy: I had a good, much-needed cry last night about a situation I need to address. After that, I slept pretty well without medication. I think I got nearly seven hours. A cute garbageman flirting with me helped boost my mood and I’ve gotten a lot done at work. I’ve cut all the extras except writing a poem out of my morning routine, which feels so luxurious. I didn’t walk/run last night, as I was still a bit sore from Sunday.
Creativity: This category just pisses me off right now. I feel more inclined to shoot at the moon than for it. I did write a second poem yesterday about wanting to stop by god trying so hard.
Social: Messaged a friend with my Sunday availability. Let’s hope she replies. MUST. MESSAGE. G. She has such great energy. Confirmed that me and Mr. Yes are going to a friend’s next month and I’ll see my brother, s-i-l, niece, and nephew on T-Day.
Nothing: I laid in bed for awhile this morning, doing Nothing. That’s against the sleep doc’s orders, but it felt good. Also did Nothing at the lab today.
Calm Energy: I did a longer walk/jog on Sunday, down to the lake and back, then Mr. Yes and I did some walking that night. I slept well this weekend, thanks to meds. I haven’t been meditating. Frankly, I haven’t been doing any damn thing I don’t want to do.
Creativity: The poems have been sharper lately. I stopped my daily sketching practice because I had lost juice around it. Right now I’m reading a lot and daydreaming a lot. I think it’s time to refill my well.
Social: My sister cancelled on me and I couldn’t be bothered to find a free friend at the last minute. Mr. Yes didn’t climb after his 40 mile practice ride, so we hung out all evening. I’m going to be doing a prosperity practice with four other women and a coach, starting 11/11/11, so that will bring more interaction into my life.
Nothing: We did a lot of Nothing on Sunday night, just hanging out on the couch, no TV, no books, just talking or lying/sitting around in silence. It was nice, though there was a nervous nelly inside berating me for not entertaining Mr. Yes while he’s at my house.
Calm Energy: I slept decently at the sleep lab last night and woke up at 3am, which means they should have some data on what it is that wakes me after a few hours of sleep. There were two decent sized earthquakes yesterday. Earthquakes always make me happy and calm. I didn’t get any exercise yesterday or this morning (had to wash all the grey conductive goop out of my hair and off my body), but I should be able to fit in a walk/run this afternoon. Mr. Yes and I are going to a wedding tomorrow, which will make us all lovey and happy and I’ve got Sunday all to myself.
Creativity: What is that, again? I’m tired. Next!
Social: Nada. Zilch. Going to a wedding tomorrow, so maybe I can make some new friends there, friends who are really good at planning get-togethers so I don’t have to.
Nothing: While I was stuffing third-sheet slips into 200 bulletins, I let my mind drift and go blank. Usually, I try to “use” the time during boring tasks. This time, I just stuffed and drifted, stuffed and drifted.
Calm Energy: I did a 20 minute walk/run that was at least as much running as walking and it felt GREAT! When I was at the library the other day, I read a book about running and learned that the biggest mistake people make when they start is going too fast. So I ran the way they suggest new runners begin, not going faster than a race walk and concentrating on keeping my breathing even and easy. It was sooooo much more enjoyable and I was able to run a lot more of the route. About 5 hours sleep last night, but my sleep study got moved up to tonight, so I’ll be taking an Ambien at 11pm and should get at least 5 hours tonight, too. (How sad is it that I’m excited by the idea of two nights of 5 hours sleep?) I started taking the Wild Oat Bach flower essence yesterday.
Creativity: I have totally lost juice for sketching. I did a sketch of a bird today and could care less. I’m going to keep going until I get to 100 days, but I think it will help my calm energy to stop trying to improve myself constantly. I’m tired of trying to be a better artist and better person.
Social: Ummmm, maybe I’ll make friends with other insomniacs at the sleep lab? Siiigh. Not making much progress with this. I’ll email two friends today to invite them to coffee/drinks or a walk or SOMETHING.
Nothing: I need more of this. I want to stop trying so hard, stop learning things to make myself feel knowledgeable and learn only those things that are fun to me. I’m tired, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally.
Calm Energy: After a nasty flare that had me in a lot of pain, things are better. I walked over three miles to the library and back on Monday. (Having a library card makes me SO giddy!) I’ve been cooking lentils and veggies regularly. Last night, I bought more dried lentils, white beans, and barley. The good thing about having to stay up later is that cooking doesn’t have to be so rushed. Tonight, I plan to walk/run at least a mile. I’ve also been doing the energetic exercises in the amazing book, Emotional Genius by Karla McLaren, which lead to more calm by channeling and respecting each of my emotions.
EDIT: I also got some Wild Oat Bach flower essence. It’s for people who lack clarity about their path, who are good at a lot of things but long to accomplish more than they can when darting from one to the other. I’m taking it four times a day. Today’s the first day. I’ve been taking Olive BFE, too, for the exhaustion I’ve been feeling.
Creativity: Feeling a bit uninspired at the moment. Still sketching, still writing. I do have a project that scares me. Perhaps I need to focus on that. Or do the damn painting I’m avoiding!
Social: Cancelled on my friend because of the flare. I’m thinking I might hang out with my sister before my dates on Tuesdays. Need to issue more invitations. Talked to a friend on the phone the other night. That’s big for me, as I’m not a fan of phone conversations.
Nothing: I’ve been doing some grounding and boundary energetic exercises, but not a lot of Nothing. I did spend time on a hilltop last night with my fingers in the soft sweet earth, looking at the trees and sky and feeling both sad and uplifted.
Calm Energy: I was in too much pain to run yesterday, so it was a looooong night. I did clean up a bit and read a lot. I took a warm bath with Epsom salts and lavender essential oil, wrote out gratitudes, then took an Ambien and went to bed. I managed to fall back asleep after the 6am alarm (not allowed on the new sleep regimen) and got up at 6:40. Awful sleepy this morning, but not quite as achy.
Creativity: Nothing new, just sketches and a poem. So sleepy this morning.
Social: Texted my friend who invited me out on Sunday, but haven’t heard back. Asked another friend when she’s free. It’s strange how we all say we really want to see each other, and then as soon as it gets to finding a date/time that works, people fade away.
Nothing: I think a quiet ride to work sounds good. Eh, maybe sounds good. I might be too sleepy and need something to keep me alert. (I was so sleepy last night it was a little scary driving.) Maybe this afternoon I can take a nice walk/run and empty my mind.