date SMARTER

my belief in big, meant-to-be love. Mr. Yes was loving with me even when we hadn’t eaten for 15 hours, he’d had one hour of sleep on the plane and our luggage was lost. He cheerfully hung out with strangers while I did my maid of honor duties. He kissed an arc from one shoulder to the other and told me I was beautiful in my strapless gown when I was lamenting my pec muffintops. He wouldn’t eat wedding cake unless I fed it to him, asked me to slowdance and held me close all night. He put up tents, checked fuses, hooked dresses, found keys, had brunch with my ex, calmly accepted three death threats on my behalf and after traveling all day and missing dinner on Tuesday, he came back for more goodbye kisses and wants to see me tomorrow night.

I could happily wake up next to this man every day of my life.

I had a busy day yesterday. Work has been rushed and then out to meet with the new trainer and work out, then change back to work clothes and rush to meet Mr. Yes and watch a climbing movie being shown at a brewery. I forgot to eat dinner (!) and made it to the brewery in just enough time to grab a beer and settle half my butt on a chair. (It was standing room only.)

The movie, instead of being an hour long, was over two hours. A lot of it was interesting, and it was good to cuddle up with Mr. Yes, but why was I spending that much time in a busy week watching a movie about something that doesn’t fascinate me when the laundry isn’t done and I have a ton of stuff I need to do at home and online? Answer: I was being a good girlfriend. Or was I being a too good girlfriend?

I think the smarter thing for me to have done is to tell Mr. Yes that I hate rushing and am having a busy week and we’d wait to see each other until the weekend. I’m going to take Friday to go to the gym and do laundry and putter around the house, instead of going to his place. Yes, it’s lovely that he wants me to be a big part of his life and the things that he loves. It’s lovely that being with me makes him happy. It is also lovely for me to take care of myself and realize that rushing is very bad for my energy and mood and I need to be smart about my time commitments. I never want to resent him for my bad choices and the way to make sure that doesn’t happen is to be clear about when I’m not interested in joining him for activities that just aren’t my thing, instead of being flattered that he wants time with me and pushing myself too hard.

I told Mr. Yes about the returning PTSD symptoms and EMDR treatment (eye movement desensitization and reprogramming). I was nervous telling him because he’s so calm that I thought he might not understand and I tend to dismiss what happened to me as not “real” trauma.

He held my hand, listened, nodded and said it seemed like a good idea. Nothing dramatic, but I felt absolutely supported. When I said I wanted to be done with all this, he said, gently, “I don’t know that you really get done with something like this.” He’s better able to accept that than I am! He wants me to be happy, whatever it takes. The way he looks at me, with such obvious love and desire, is the best anti-anxiety medicine I have. No matter how much my stress tells me that I’m going to drive him away or something bad is going to happen, being with him, even talking by text, soothes me at a soul-deep level. He keeps showing me how much he loves me. It’s powerful. Very powerful and very steadying.

Mr. Yes and I were driving to my house after dinner and I said something about how unbelievable it was that we’ve been dating nearly a year. He kind of shrugged. I joked about how I’d usually panic at the year mark. Having been in a three year and a sixteen year relationship (more than half his life!), he didn’t get it. He asked me why I felt that way. After telling him that the conversation was making me hyperventilate, I told him.

The longer we’re together and it’s still good, the more it’s going to hurt if something happens, specifically if he dies.

By that point, I was near tears and having trouble breathing, so we let it go. I hate feeling this way. I want to enjoy him as long as we’re together. Everybody dies and no one knows when. But my hyperawareness of how painful that loss would be is hurting me now, when everything is good. Obviously, it stems to my husband dying at 35. It’s all well and good to realize this thinking isn’t useful, but how do I stop? (As a side note, is there anything more annoying that someone telling you to ‘let go’ of a thought, as if you wouldn’t do that if you could?!) ^{I originally typed that as “die note!”}

I hadn’t realized how much it scares me to grow closer to him, how fear has been simmering under my surface thoughts about the two of us and the future. Perhaps acknowledging the fear and anxiety is a first step to releasing it.

Perhaps I need some outside help.

Mr. Yes had a cookout at his house on Saturday. His mother’s cousin had bought a magnetic doodle pad for Little Yes. Mr. Yes’s mom drew a man and woman on it, sort of nested together, and asked Little Yes who they were. They were daddy and me. She said he usually gives a man/woman pair our names.

It made me realize that I’ve been part of Little Yes’s life for nearly a year, which is almost a third of his life. I’m a constant. We play together, he tells me he loves me, I tell him the same and I see him every other weekend, almost without fail. Mr. Yes doesn’t ask me to do anything for Little Yes, but when you’re with a kid, you end up giving direction (pulling your scooter into the wading pool probably isn’t a good idea, three more bites and you’re done, no screaming indoors, etc.).

I hadn’t thought about it. It rattled me. I don’t want to stop seeing either one of them. I love them. But I’ve never imagined life with a child (except in ‘thank god I don’t have one’ moments). It didn’t help that Mr. Yes’s mother and godmother are not huge fans of his ex and expressed they were glad Little Yes had me around. (I’ve met the ex and she seems very nice and as far as I can tell from what Mr. Yes has said and the interactions I’ve seen, she’s a good and loving mom.) Frankly, a full day with any child of three is a little too long for me. They’re so freaking relentless and LOUD.

Mr. Yes and I went to a play that night, a sentimental play at which we sat at a little table with a lamp, sipped cocktails, held hands and got teary at the end. After, we went for a drink at a dive bar and saw some stupendously bad drunk dancing, then went home to Mr. Yes’s house, to the bedroom that he calls ‘ours.’

So, there it is. I’m uncomfortable about the kid thing and I love them both. I miss Little Yes if I don’t see him every other weekend. I love to watch Mr. Yes with him. Mr. Yes makes sure we have time alone as a couple and doesn’t expect me to step into a caretaking role. Perhaps I’m worried about nothing. I wish I was one of those people who loved spending time with kids, but I’m not, and Mr. Yes knows that and is fine with it.

I’ve been talking, via email, to a friend who is in the middle of a confusing relationship. He’s wondering why he doesn’t just walk away. I told him I don’t think it’s very useful to beat ourselves or other people up when we stay in a relationship that isn’t healthy. Sometimes we stay until we learn the lesson we don’t seem to be able to learn any other way. Being in some stupid relationships taught me what I’m capable of, good and bad, and what I want. It taught me what I needed to learn so I could have a great relationship.

That said, I am soooo grateful to be with Mr. Yes. It’s easy, but not in an asleep way. It’s easy because we’re honest and we’re not trying to change each other or for each other. He’s not someone who discusses his emotions much. In the past, I would have felt locked out and hurt about that. But he tells me how he feels when it relates to me or is heavily on his mind. It’s not about me or his trust in me; it’s who he is. And if I don’t want to be with who he is right now, I should leave the man alone. As it happens, I love who he is right now and wouldn’t change a thing. He doesn’t understand everything about how and who I am, but he loves me and doesn’t want me to change a thing either.

in love with Mr. Yes, my sister and b-i-l are, too. They already liked him, but now that he’s taken almost two hours to buy parts and replace a bunch of their plumbing and is going to work on it again tomorrow, they’re truly smitten. They can’t afford a plumber (grumblegrumblegrownasspeoplewithjobsgrumblegrumble) and he volunteered to help and won’t take payment. AND, this is his week with Little Yes, so he usually heads home as soon as he’s off work. We barely had time to hug for a minute or two and couldn’t even kiss (evil URI), but he held me sweetly and kissed my neck and came back for one more goodbye hug after he’d started for his car.

I’m glad we decided on that seven year lease of each other (with option to renew).

Mr. Yes suggested that in lieu of our standing Weds night date, we could have dinner with my sister and b-i-l. He knows that I’m frustrated with them right now and he knows that the four of us have a good time. I’m adoring him for helping me with this in such a non-intrusive way. It’s part of who he is to help people. If someone in his shop is down or having problems, he’ll take them aside, sit with them and talk it out. He’s always willing to be an ear and a shoulder for his friends and for me.

Did I mention I adore this man? I ADORE THIS MAN.

by my teenager reaction to Mr. Yes changing his relationship status on facebook, but I choose to be delighted. It’s nice to still feel like a teenager, albeit a teenager with much more confidence and wisdom than I had back then.

It feels like a shift happened last weekend. A small shift, but powerful. Like we finally gave and accepted those little pieces of each other’s hearts that are exchanged in true intimacy. My heart is living in two chests now. His, I imagine, is in three, since he’s a father. With my ex, with my husband, I said, “I love you” a lot (and always meant it). Mr. Yes and I don’t do that much. Love is just what we are together. Love.

It didn’t even freak me out to write that.

Yesterday I was feeling down due to some health stuff and the death of an acquaintance/casual friend. My ex had called me a few times and I hadn’t answered because it’s been eight months and if I had to hear about why he hasn’t sent me my stuff, I was going to be rude. But I wanted to hear his voice yesterday. I missed him horribly.

Then, as I was leaving the drugstore where I had made the necessary purchase of Cracker Jack and bbq potato chips, I realized that I didn’t miss him as much as I missed what I originally had thought he was and how easy it was to be with him. Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

It was easy because I let myself sleepwalk a little. It was easy because I didn’t question it. What I have with Mr. Yes is beyond words good and I don’t take it for granted. What I wanted in that moment of longing was the me who took things for granted.

He called that night, worried about my health, and we talked. It was kind and calm and I was so glad to hear the voice of my friend now that I had sorted out what was going on with me.

It’s amazing how much of dating SMARTer is taking enough time to let my emotions and mind talk to each other and then tell me what’s happening inside me.