be happy on my own..not having to rely on someone else for happiness

A friend called last night because she wanted to go to a show but needed someone to hang out with there. I told her that I would love to see her and so she came out. She ended up having a good time and I’m glad. I wish for her sake that she was comfortable going out on her own. I noticed several people last night who were uncomfortable being by themselves. If the person they were talking to moved on or the group they were in dispersed, they would look around not in curiousity but in anxiety, searching for a new person or group to join.

I don’t think I will be going back to thinking that my happiness (or sadness or anger or any emotion) is reliant on other people. I joined groups or sat alone, listened to the music or had conversations, sat in companionable silence or asked questions to learn more about people, hugged and cuddled against friends or daydreamed on my own. I think a big part of this is recognizing the myth of happiness, the thought that someday we are going to be happy all the time because of some transfiguring event in our life. Unless we suffer an incredibly specific head injury, we’re going to continue to be hurt and angry and sad sometimes. That’s life and there’s nothing wrong with it. Happiness is available to us after and through and beyond the tough times.

I might go here or there, see this or that band, go to the street festival, bring a book to a friend, hang out on the corner, stay in, party tomorrow, meet someone for drinks tonight. No plans and you know what? I’ll have a fine time wherever I end up because it will be where I’ve chosen to spend my time. I think I’m getting the hang of this.

Sitting here alone in my office, I saw this on the list and said to myself, “Honey, are you happy?” A smile and calm “yes” was the answer without hesitation.

I’m so frustrated right now. I hurt a friend’s feeling by not inviting her along to have a drink with me and a mutual friend. I very, very, very rarely call people to make plans. I usually figure out what I want to do and do it or go where I want to go and see who’s around. If I haven’t seen someone in a long time or have a longing for their company I might email or call to see what’s up but I’ve never been one to arrange a coffee date or such.

I have what seems to be an unusually high tolerance for NOT seeing people I like and love. I risk losing them, I guess, if they need more contact and want me to reach out to them. I get that. If I lose them, I accept that it’s because of my actions (or lack thereof). Some of my closest friends live across the country and we communicate solely through email and IM.

After this conversation, I’m confused. I thought this was just me being who I truly am but maybe I’m being a bad and lazy friend. Maybe I don’t like people to get too close. But that doesn’t make sense; there are people here I am very close to even if I don’t see them regularly. Does being willing to accept the negative consequences of not making plans absolve me of wrongdoing or does it prove that I don’t care? I am there for my friends in their worst times and I am there to dance and holler when things go well. But I’m not someone who seeks company as much as accepts invitations. That sounds horrid, like I’m an entitled princess.

If no one makes plans with me, I might send a text message but more likely I’ll just figure out something to do myself and be thrilled if I run into a friend on the way. I don’t need my friendships to last forever. I think that’s an unreasonable expectation. I thought this approach was good and healthy, that it was me making myself happy and we should all do that as much as possible. Now I think I’ve been insensitive to the fact that not everyone can do this, that some of my friends need me to initiate, need invitations. So if I want those people as friends, I have to do what is not natural to me. Perhaps this is growth. I think I will feel odd and fake calling people because I think they want to see me. There is a part of me that is judgmental, that says, “If you want to see me, call me. If I wanted to see you, that’s what I’d do. That’s what adults do: take responsibility for their own happiness.”

Ugh. I can’t see my way through this yet. Am I a judgmental bitch who doesn’t meet people partway and tries to force the lessons she’s learned down their throats or am I living what I’ve found to be true for me? All I know is that she’s hurt and I’m angry that her happiness is dependent on me. I want to look at my behavior carefully and see if I’m justifying bad habits. I also just want to let my friendships ebb and flow without trying to direct them. That’s what works for me but that doesn’t mean people who try to hold onto their friendships and consciously build them are wrong in any way. Maybe it’s me that’s wrong. Maybe both ways are fine and just not compatible.

I needed green and air and dirt this morning. I went to the park, walked by the tennis parents and their grunting children and crossed a metal bridge. I watched the fish, those electrical beads that stitch together the water that stitches together the planet.

If we could talk to fish about water, we might awaken in them an unnecessary, unquenchable thirst. We’ve put words to love and awakened in humans a hunger for the element in which we live, like fish in water. The word walls are coming down in me. I understand in my body what the mystics mean who speak of love being available always and everywhere.

I talked to a friend today who has a new girlfriend and is really happy. They’re perfectly matched in a lot of ways. I was able to cheer him on and tell him how glad I was without sneaking in a “joke” about my lack of success in this area. Those jokes are a way for me to ask for reassurance, I’ve come to realize, the same way that people fish for compliments by saying something negative about themselves. I didn’t need him to tell me I was lovable or desirable. I either believe that or I don’t, the same way he didn’t believe it for a long time no matter what I or anyone else said.

I think part of attaining this goal is having the courage to look at those parts of me that don’t make me happy, feeling the disappointment of being less than I want to be and using that disappointment to fuel change, rather than joking the feeling away or distracting myself by chasing the next new glittery sensation.

At one point last night I was standing on the bench seat and listening to Autopassion play. My friends were in the crowd somewhere. One danced on the other bench. I realized I was utterly happy there dancing alone. I guess you could say the people in the band engendered my happiness, but there was no one there with me but me at that moment and I was very conscious that I was enough to make me happy. I felt complete.

Also, when I received a long, hard, body-to-body, full-length hug last night, I was aware that my pleasure in the hug was pleasure in the person I was hugging, pleasure in the sharing of affection. In the past, I would have enjoyed the hug because it would have proved that I had a friend, that I deserved to be there, that I wasn’t a lonely loser hanging on at the fringes. This time there was no need for external validation. We must have stayed pressed together for at least 10 or 15 seconds, not moving at all, just holding each other tight.

All night I felt awe-inspiring and awe-inspired.

I spent a lot of Saturday with a friend, but I spent the rest of the weekend alone. I had no idea how much I needed this. I really need to get some more friends that can shut up a little. I feel like I’ve just started to detox my brain of all these other people’s voices so I can hear my own again. Went to a coffeeshop and sunk into Donald Hall’s book of poetry, Without. It was heaven. Read, stare into the trees and think, write a little, read, drink some coffee, smile at the cute counter guy, stare into the trees, read…

Other than a brief appearance at a friend’s birthday party on Saturday, I plan to be with me this weekend, too.

I realized today that I am looking at the people in my life as if they held the keys to my happiness. If they reach out to me or validate what I am doing in my life, I am happy. If not, I begin to doubt myself. I started a list today of 1,000 things I can do that bring me pleasure. It began as a way to make sure that I don’t get pleasure-deprived in the next three years, which is how long I estimate it will take to be completely out of debt. I have less than 100 so far, but I thought of two on the way to lunch (walking fast and spinning around on office chairs). I don’t want to wait for other people to bring me happiness. I want to create so much happiness for myself that other people join the party and we all take responsibility for our own joy and inspire each other to higher bliss.

Eh, and it kills time until I can leave work…

I think I’ve got the apartment, so I’ll be moving out and living alone soon. I think this will help. I’ll be choosing whether I want to spend time with others or with me. I’ll get to rediscover how much time I need alone and when alone becomes isolated. I’ll be able to create a schedule that allows for time to journal and play and sing and dance around naked and there’s a swingset right across the street in the park. I’m excited!