be healthy

since April 2nd. I made the full distance in the same amount of time, though it was a bit of a struggle. Good to know I didn’t lose all my tone in that time. Now I need to get back into doing crunches three times a week.

I’ve written before about how I love to stretch but when I try to do yoga, I get so irritated that I want to slap the world. Today at lunch, I decided to hold each stretch for three minutes, based on info from a recent CEU course that suggested that is the time needed to change the length of a muscle, as opposed to just releasing held tension.

Whoa. Man, did that make my slapping hand itchy! So it’s apparently holding stretches that arouses my irritation response. I’m kind of intrigued now. I think I’ll start doing at least two stretches at lunch and holding them for at least three minutes. If nothing else, it will be good for my flexibility, which has declined lately, and I may release some emotions captured in my muscles.

to discount or belittle everything that I do, I thought a reminder would be a good idea.

Dear Tiisi,

Have you noticed that you’ve kept walking for an hour most mornings even though your b-i-l has stopped joining you? Yes, you’ve taken a few mornings off, but walking four or more times a week is excellent! You even sought out hills and jogged a few times.

I’m very proud of you for starting the 200 Sit-Ups Program and for doing modified pushups a few times a week so that you can manage to squeeze out the three real pushups you need to be able to do to start the 100 Pushups Program.

How did three nights of nine hours sleep feel? Great, right? Kudos for taking vitamins and extra Vitamin D/Calcium, going to bed at a decent hour and speaking to yourself sweetly when you go to bed and wake up! I’m glad that you’re drinking more water these days and stretching during lunch. It all pays off when you have energy to get through the day and night. (And the side benefits with Mr. Yes are worth mentioning, yes?)

You’re doing GREAT! Keep at it, girl. You’re worth it.

LOVE,
Tiisi

I’m writing this to cement it in my mind. I haven’t wanted to look at this squarely.

I had a headache for four days. It felt like a falcon was inside my head, tearing out divots of flesh and brain. Here’s what didn’t help: OTC meds, sleep, water, proper nutrition, prescription pain meds, a good cry, meditation, massage, exercise, stretching, hot showers and nasal rinses.

On day two (or day one?) of The Headache, I was sitting cross legged with my left arm resting on my left knee and I noticed that my whole body was rocking back and forth. My heart was beating so hard that it was jolting me forward and back. This was just after we discovered that my blood was improperly anticoagulated and was too thick to control the genetic blood disorder I have.

Here’s the point and what I want to remember: It hit both my sister and I at the same moment as she was telling me about a woman at work who had a stroke that began with a bad headache over a few days that this could have been a TIA (a mini-stroke without lasting effects).

How could we have missed that? I’ve had two TIAs. My blood clotting was uncontrolled at the time. I had the weird pounding heart. The headache came out of nowhere and nothing touched it. I was exhausted the whole time. I’m feeling stunned and rattled. Since TIAs don’t leave signs of lasting damage, there’s no point in getting the checkup now.

REMEMBER THIS, TIISI!!

messes with my head. My joints hurt, my skin is electric fire where it isn’t a rash and my eyes are so dry they feel like they’re cracking. I’m exhausted to tears (which at least lubricate my eyes, so it’s not all bad).

By far the worst is feeling vulnerable. Vulnerable at work, where I don’t want to take a day off this early and haven’t told them about the Sjogren’s, wanting to be the good worker bee. Vulnerable in life, where I need to water the garden, get groceries, finish the laundry and am wincing as I type this. Vulnerable in my relationships, where I want to be fun and strong and ready to go. Not just want, if I’m being honest, where I think that if I’m not fun and strong and ready to go, people will leave or get angry.

Mr. Yes and I were going to get together at my place tonight. When I told him this flare was turning nasty, his immediate response was, “That’s horrible. I’ll come take care of you. What do you need?” I didn’t walk this morning and my b-i-l just called to say, “I was sleepy when we talked earlier and forgot to ask. Is there anything you need me to carry, move, do for you?” I told him about the watering and he’ll help me out.

Maybe a bad flare is an opportunity to drum it into my resistant head that people may like me for who I am, not what I do. That’s a way of being healthy that I’ve never mastered.

I went home last night, moved the trash can back behind the apartment, showered, washed my hair and dried it partway and then laid down in bed. It wasn’t quite 6pm yet and I hadn’t had dinner, but I was exhausted. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until after six this morning.

I feel like a new woman. I’ll be working a conference all day tomorrow at a hotel I can see from Mr. Man’s bedroom window, so I’ll be able to sleep in and still get there before 8am. Sweet!

My sister told me in an email that she hopes I slow down my pace of life when I move to CA. I don’t see how I can help but slow down. It’s going to be hard for me to allow myself to move at a slower pace and get less done, but it’s necessary. I’m running on fumes and don’t want to burn out my immune system.

EDIT: My coworker and I are always saying that Dove needs to get some new messages for the wrappers on their small dark chocolate squares. I just got a new message: You’re allowed to do nothing. Even the chocolate is telling me to slow down! I’m taking this as a sign.

Friday night I abandoned myself to sleep and am all the better for it. I wish that I could do without, but I go to hell in no time. Twelve blissful hours and the deep dark circles were gone and I was human again.

I just noticed that I was talking about how tired I was in a Feb 1 entry. I really need to get good sleep tonight and tomorrow and not take better care of Mr. Man and his family than I take of myself.

I think that this has finally become foundational for me. I know what I need to do and, for the most part, I do it. I think pulling focus to see that it’s more important to remain in balance overall has been much more useful than my previous fretting over mistakes and missteps and overly strict rules.

I looked over my entries for the past year and in general, the news is good. I eat less junk, I’m not having many flares, my blood results have been stable and I haven’t been sick very often. Then we get to the movement/exercise side of the equation. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Oh, I had that flirtation with Pilates and I still take the stairs whenever I can. But I don’t move much or regularly.

I’m incredibly blessed to be able to move and exercise and instead I curl up in bed. I have to laugh when people tell me to find something I like to do that doesn’t feel like exercise. Um, reading? Naps? Lying down and listening to music? Daydreaming? I think the smartest thing to do is surrender. I am not an active person. If I occasionally dance and take a walk, hurrah. As long as I live in a car culture without sidewalks, I’m going to be sedentary.

Though, seriously, one situp or pushup a day doesn’t seem too much to ask. Yep, just what I thought! RESISTANCE before I was done typing that sentence. Sigh.