Write things that make me happy, daily

My friend’s wedding was beautiful, the pictures are great and seeing her again made my heart release a breath I didn’t know it was holding.

Mr. Yes and I had such a good time. He was so romantic and affectionate that I pretty much levitated with happiness the entire week.

I got to see lots of NC and VA friends.

I didn’t fall while walking over the muddy ground wearing 4.5” stilletos and carrying a bouquet, fan and the ring pillow. Their dog was supposed to be ring carrier, but it had rained and he got all diva on us.

Favorite wedding moment, when the bride was handing out cake and the drunk, full guests weren’t taking it: “Oh my god! Eat the fucking cake!!”

I got my stuff from my ex!!!!!! It was good to see him. It was kind of rough for him, but it reminded me why I was his friend and dated him. He’s a great guy. He and Mr. Yes got along fine and the ex told me Mr. Yes is a really great guy.

Three of my male friends threatened Mr. Yes’s life if he hurt me. So sweet! (I hope he realizes two of them weren’t kidding.)

I had a great time dancing to friends’ bands on Halloween. Got an impressive bruise when a rollergirl friend wearing platform heels stepped on my ankle.

When Mr. Yes and I said goodbye on Tues, after five days of travel and four days with my friends, he wanted to see me on Friday. This trip made me realize how deeply in love I am and that it’s mutual in degree.

My friend’s wedding gown, hat and shoes. Fantastique!

I got my laundry and grocery shopping done today.

I caught up on poem posting.

That I took today off to ease back into routine.

How great my skin looks. The grapeseed/tea tree oil cleaning is amazing. I swear I have fewer wrinkles, less shine, smaller pores, no blackheads and my skin is sooo soft.

Everyone in NC commenting on my “long” hair. It was encouraging.

Looking at pics of the wedding taken by guests and thinking “what a pretty girl” and then realizing it was me. A little scary that I can’t keep track of what I look like, but how great that I think I’m pretty!

Walking around Old Salem, Salem College, and the cemetery.

That our luggage arrived on the next flight from Atlanta and wasn’t lost forever.

Seeing my friend so happy and meeting all of her family

Little Yes asking Mr. Yes if he was at a party and the loving, happy tone of Mr. Yes’s voice when he was talking to him. He was missing his boy and took a day off when he came back to spend it with him. I love how good a father he is.

Getting back to a normal routine

that I haven’t taken a more-than-a-weekend vacation since the year 2000. Nine years! No wonder I’m so excited. I have my maid of honor duties: go to hippie pizza place with bride and her family on Friday, keep bride from getting drunk before she’s married, help put up Halloween decorations and carve pumpkins. But after she’s hitched on Saturday and we’re a few hours into the reception, I’m free. Mr. Yes and I can run to the different parties and drink whiskey and howl and dance and sing and do whatever the hell we wanta do. Two hours and forty five minutes and I’m done with work for a week. Wheeeeee!!!!

Leaving tomorrow night for NC! I’m getting pretty excited to see my friends and show Mr. Yes my old haunts. (Don’t think I’ll have much if any time for online stuff when I’m there, but we’ll see.)

I’ve been using baking soda as shampoo, with an apple cider vinegar rinse and my hair looks good: shiny and softer than it’s ever been. I have had some flaking, but a good brushing right after I wash it seems to take care of that and I only need to wash twice a week. Saw my stylist last night and she said my scalp looked very healthy. She noticed how soft my hair was, too, and that it’s growing faster.

I’ve been cleaning my face with grapeseed and tea tree oil and it looks fantastic. Pores smaller, blackheads gone, fewer wrinkles around my eyes and not nearly as shiny as I used to be. (Thanks to all here who shared info about what they’re doing. It works!)

I found two pairs of jeans that fit last night at Ross. Miracle!

A good friend who needs help (reallyreally needs help) is going to see my therapist

EMDR will probably be done tomorrow, as we have just a little left on the last trigger. Just in time for me to go back to where I last saw my husband. So glad I did this work!

That Mr. Yes is as physically affectionate as I am. His happy sighs melt me.

211 consecutive days of poeming!

Taking the day of our flight and the day after we return off work.

Edamame

Friends in NC being excited that I’m coming back to visit

Finally getting the painting my friend gave me as a going-away present AND knowing that my ex won’t have that held over my head anymore

The big, beautiful spider in my bathroom sink

My friend’s new baby

Snakes, tarantulas and eagles at Black Diamond Mines

Panda licorice, especially when it’s stale

I gave Mr. Yes a birthday card last night with a hangman puzzle, so it would be more fun to tell him he’s getting an iPod. I nearly killed him, on paper, but he was very happy.

Mr. Yes telling me that If, You is his favorite poem of mine. What a romantic he is. It’s about him, so good pick on his part!

Going to the gym. It makes me happy that I’m going even when it doesn’t make me happy to see how weak I’ve become.

Time with my sister on Monday night.

Articulating what’s bothering me about my living situation.

Six consecutive months of poeming. Today is day 184!

I’ve started drawing a picture of a woman on my coffee cup every day. It’s quite relaxing. Yesterday, the woman was sitting in meditation, with a meditating heron on one side and a meditating dog on the other. Today it’s a windswept woman on top of a mountain. One day it was a woman teaching her pet snail to stay.

Cleaning up the calendar at work.

Snuggling in bed for an hour after my alarm buzzes. If I need to, I get up and wash my hair. If not, it’s a good time to check in and see what’s going on with me.

EMDR. It’s tough work, but I think it’s worth it.

Sweater and soup weather

Savory tofu from Trader Joe’s, fish fingers, French lentils and all other foods that satiate my protein cravings

First session with EMDR therapist went well and we start EMDR next week

Figuring out what triggered the PTSD (this time)

Pic of Mr. Yes and I from the Tahoe/Truckee climbing trip. We’ve got our arms around each other and I’m leaning my head against his chest. Our expressions are interesting. We’re both obviously tired, but we look like partners, united in some way that I can’t quite describe. He looks protective and I look vulnerable. I keep looking at it.

Thai food tonight!

30 day program I’m doing with a bunch of other Cosmic Cowgirls. We all list our five actions for the next day that will bring us closer to our focus desire. We visualize it in juicy detail. My focus desire is: I respond to unsettling emotions with curiosity and kindness. I’m seeing differences in myself already.

Making a nutritious dinner of fried savory tofu & hummus on multigrain bread. YUM!

I joined a gym. Still need a bag, tshirts, bras, and towels, but it’s a start! I also scheduled three training sessions.

I fought the ants and I won.

164 consecutive days of poeming. That brings me to about 170 poems. Ridiculous.

Start mentorship again on the 20th.

Lattes for lunch (and almonds)

3 more hours until the weekend

Air conditioning

Sleeping better since I switched to decaf. Don’t notice any other changes.

::sparing y’all a long litany of how dreamy, sexy, loving, good a man Mr. Yes is::

Set up my account and made my first car payment

A Martha Beck exercise from The Joy Diet that had me list what I hate about someone and then see how I could use some of those characteristics to move me closer to my dream life. At the beginning, I said, out loud, “Oh, come on! F! you, Martha!” but by the end, I had learned something important.

Two nights with Mr. Yes this weekend

3yo Little Yes saying, as he was being excused from the table, “I don’t like the service!” I just about fell off my chair laughing.

I was skeptical, but using only conditioner on my hair works.

Sending a thank-you to my parents for creating such a safe, fun, blissful camping experience for us every year.

Yep. The car. Still. It’s going to cost me less than I budgeted for gas, which is good, ‘cause EMDR doesn’t come cheap.

Green eyes. I like ‘em. I got ‘em.

Singing along with my friend’s CD. It’s great music and hearing the voice of someone I love is comforting.

Appointment next week with an EMDR therapist to address anxiety and PTSD symptoms.

Mr. Yes’s text response when I told him I had made the appt: “I hope the therapy helps. If you ever need to talk about anything I am always there. Whatever you need. Just ask! OK?” I don’t know how to mention that what I need is to mourn my husband, but it’s good to know he wants to be there for me.

Seeing Little Yes tomorrow. It’s been a month since I’ve seen the little guy! When he and Mr. Yes drive somewhere, he’s been asking if they’re going to pick me up. Ahhhhh.

Made from scratch ginger snaps warmed up in the microwave.

It’s been a relatively quiet Friday, except for the hour spent on the phone with the copier guy. I needed a quiet Friday.

My desk is semi-cleaned.

Hanging out with my sister tonight.

157 consecutive days of poeming.

Staying over at Mr. Yes’s mid-week is every bit as sweet as I thought it would be and I get more done those mornings. ^{typed that as “get more down” the first time.}

Being able to listen to my iPod in my car.

MY car! Still. I’ve got a whopping 508 miles on it now.

This blog by my teacher and friend, about love.

My godmother handing me a glass of very nice Cabernet last night. We’ve both had stressful work weeks.

Chasing the creepy guy out of the bushes at work. Well, talking him out and sending him on his way, not literally running at him. Made me feel strong. Since the preschool has moved in next door, I’m way more aware of who’s hanging around. (Especially if they have their hands in their pants!)

45 more minutes to a three day weekend!

Kings of Leon. The new copier rep burned the first two CDs for me and I’m sooo addicted. I hadn’t realized one of my favorite songs (Dusty) is by them. I’m looking for somethinnnnnn to sink in my teeeeth without any cryyyin…der der der DER…

Staying over at Mr. Yes’ on a Thursday night because I have my own car and I can! He made delicious fish on the grill and we had a delightfully active night. He had to leave for work at five this morning and kissed me so sweetly when he left.

The car, still. Love the visibility, comfort and it is awfully sleek and cute.

Mr. and Little Yes are going away this weekend and I’m going to go wander in Berkeley and Oakland because I have my own car and I can! Sale at Who’s Your Betty?, one of my favorite stores.

I really like the new staff member at work. I think we’ll work together well.

Sleeping fairly normally for almost a week now. Interesting how my sleep returned to near normal as soon as I had my own car. I think I may have been more frustrated and tense about my restricted mobility than I realized.

Doing a new personal budget spreadsheet and making savings the first item, with art, charity and a gym membership included.

The roses at work. I keep collecting the petals and putting them in my car (MY car!) or on my desk at work. I love the deep red and pink ones best.

143 consecutive days of poeming!

Coffee, oh coffee, my coffee

Hearing the kids at the new preschool one building over holler during their outside breaks.

The prospect of joining a gym again after many years of sporadic exercising

So far the no-shampoo-conditioner-only method seems to be working. My hair is clean and very soft. I think it does get greasy a little earlier, which could lead to more “washing” and blow-drying. I’ll see. It’d be nice/quicker to use just one product.

The way my dear dad hugs and kisses me when we say goodbye.

Great Thai food at a restaurant where the tables are set in sunken square wells, so it’s like eating on the floor but much easier on the legs and hips. I had green curry tofu and there was yummy pumpkin in it. Delish.

Getting home to Mr. Yes’s Saturday night and his neighbor inviting us over for beer and karaoke. The women were inside having a baby shower, but his wife immediately came out with two plates of food, which we regretfully turned down. Then the guys sang Mexican songs and finally put on the Beatles and everyone sang along. Then the neighbor’s brother did a spot on imitation of Grampa on Family Guy that had us doubled over in laughter.

My sis came over on Friday and we sang a ton of songs together. We’re going to start singing together regularly. It’s good for our stress and our lungs and so much damn fun.

Deciding to buy a Honda Fit.

Getting comfortable in dresses. I got out of the habit at some point and it’s nice to feel so girly again.

Ambien. My insomnia is still bad. I don’t take it most nights because I’m so spooked about dependence, but last night I slept a total of two hours and I’m glad I can guarantee sleep tonight.

Mozzarella marinated in olive oil, parsley, oregano and red and black pepper.

Fresh tomatoes

My camera. I LOVE that thing.

Teasing tender hot text conversations with Mr. Yes.

My weekly pill organizer. I hated the thought of using one of these, but it makes life so much easier and I take my multivitamin much more regularly now.

124 consecutive days of poeming.

120 consecutive days of poeming

Seeing Mr. Yes last night. I was antsy/anxious all day and being with him is calming. We had a great conversation about getting older and abandoning our attempts to seem cool or hard. I told him how I felt guilty for getting annoyed or bored when playing with Little Yes and he understood perfectly. He said that he isn’t good at having the kind of silly imaginative conversations Little Yes and I have and he likes that I can do that.

The volunteer who produces more crinkly, smacking, rustling, nerve-scraping sounds than anyone I have ever met is leaving in an hour.

The cleaning ladies come today, so the house will be lovely when I get home.

Nothing in the garden has died yet. My godmother comes home Saturday and I will be VERY happy to hand back that task.

I finished my course eval and emailed it to my teacher.

Coffee and the funny sweet lady at the coffeeshop

I’m having a beer with my sister on Friday. It means I won’t get to do the damn test drive until Saturday morning, but it’s worth it.

dirt bike riding, rock climbing, gun loving, overanalytical, systematic engineer boyfriend just asked me on a date to go see what looks to be a sentimental tearjerker of a play about relationships. I told him I would go cry with him so he doesn’t have to cry alone as long as he promises to hold my hand during the really sappy parts and he’s so happy now.

I’m a lucky, lucky lady.