Practice "And How Am I Like This?" when judgementalism, impatience or annoyance raise their smug heads

inquiry on my thoughts about others, using the method Byron Katie wrote about in her book Loving What Is. I just finished A Thousand Names for Joy and it’s brought me back to her way of investigating projections, which I find quite useful.

I want to note here that I am not taking care of myself in the way in which I am always telling people they need to do. (ohhh, tiredness and grammar don’t mix well) Even if it costs me money and makes me look bad at work, I should be in bed asleep. I have eaten far too much food that is not what my body wants. I am taking care of Mr. Man’s needs to the neglect of my own. I am not dealing with a situation regarding my secret goal. I am relying on coffee to get me through the day. I am not giving myself enough (ha! ANY) unstructured time. I am meditating only a few minutes a day.

If I was talking to someone else, I would tell them that a few hours taken today would prevent burnout and mistakes at work (and possibly snapping at coworkers). I would tell them that no matter how upset their boyfriend is, it is vital that they go home, eat some nourishing food, drink some water and GO TO BED. I would even add that they would be a good example to others by taking care of their needs. I would tell them that they needn’t handle anything today, that challenges and growth can wait. I would be firm and loving.

Yet as soon as I hit the save this entry button, I’m going to look at the end date of a project to make a budget decision, book some flights, send an email and start reconciling expense reports. Why? Because I want to get paid and not use vacation time. Because I worry about what my boss and coworkers will think of me if I take off more time. Because, and here’s the bottom truth, I want to hear how strong I am, even if it’s just the critical voice in my head telling me so. In truth, I should be told how careless I am. Careless of my wellbeing and unappreciative of how hard my body, mind and heart have been working lately.

This growth thing is a bitch.

Why is it that when one of my best friends says to me exactly what I’ve been saying to other people, that my big risk/secret goal is going to be amazing and fun, I want to slap her for being so perky and I turn into a sulky teenager who wants to bring up a zillion “yes, but” considerations? I judge her as too smug and shallow about her own success and insensitive about the unique challenges that I have. (See? Only a sulky teenager would assume her challenges are unique!)

Okay. Break it down. I think it is insensitive of her to assume that I can achieve the same success she has. How am I like that? Oooh, that’s an obvious one. I assume that people who have struggled with their weight for a long time can maintain a healthy weight, give or plus five pounds, because I can. I completely ignore differences in body type, food history, food preferences and, most importantly, that being overweight for a long time can change the way your body/mind processes food and food choices. I can see that I’ve been very shallow and smug about this. (People on the 4DW goal with me – I’m truly sorry if I’ve been this way toward you, especially.)

I have also been rather chipper about how the challenges that Mr. Man is facing right now are an opportunity for growth and have told him that he can choose how to respond as if he can choose how to feel about these circumstances. Insensitive, shallow, smug and certainly projection of what I wanted to hear from some authority about my challenges. That authority for me is me. Likewise, he is the authority in his life. I owe him an apology, which I will deliver today.

You know what? It IS going to be great. She’s right.

but over Thanksgiving, when I was with my family, my nephew at one point said, “You’re so weird with that projection stuff.” At least I know a bit of it may have sunk into his 12-yo head.

I was listening to a radio show that Debbie Ford did on Hay House radio about projection. She suggested we look at the characteristics that we hate and ask, “Where am I that?” She also explained projection in a way that made me grateful for everyone in my life who annoyed me. She said that the only person on earth that we cannot see (if we are sighted) is ourselves. So other people are our mirrors so we can see what we dislike or hate (or love) in ourselves.

I chose two people and wrote out three rants on things that I hate about them. It was vicious. Then at the end of each rant, I wrote the words that described what I hated: lazy, disgusting, shrill, unprofessional, poor me martyr, selfish, rude, loud, unwilling to do the hard work, resigned, passive, whiny, unprofessional, inappropriate, grotesque, infuriating, self-indulgent, hypocritical.

I wrote each word and then asked: Where am I disgusting (etc.)? Wow. I found so much of myself in each of these words. It left me literally lightheaded and also lighthearted. I was able to release resentment toward others that was really aimed at the parts of myself I had projected onto others. Each of these words describes a part of me but not the whole. In listing how I contain these characteristics, I was able to release the fear that they are all I am. It put things back in proportion so I could see how I also contain the opposite characteristics.

My boss has been registered for leadership training since September. His pre-work was to be done by Monday. Today he calls me and wants me to move it, even though we’ll lose 25% of what we paid (not a small amount) and they probably won’t be able to fill that slot in the class. It seems really irresponsible to me. He’s had the information and hasn’t even started the self-assessments and peer/direct report/boss assessments. Frankly, he NEEDS this training to be able to provide the leadership we need.

How am I like this? I procrastinate on work tasks all the time and then scramble at the end to cobble together a substandard version. I’ve actually stopped making firm plans in my social life so I won’t let people down if my mood or money situation changes, but I used to agree to go places and then back out. I don’t give full effort to my work. I get by and hope no one notices because my mediocre effort gets rave reviews. I have definitely let things go lately, neglected tasks that would help this place run more smoothly. I haven’t gotten the training I need to be the best admin I can be. (Ohhh, puke. I don’t want to be the best admin I can be! I want to be a good admin who has time to do personal stuff at work!)

Hmmmm, that last bit sounds pretty irresponsible. I’m writing about how irresponsible my boss is on a website that is in no way work-related. I have tasks that I could do and I’m not doing them. I’m just like him, minus costing another company money. Now the fun of trying to reschedule. Joy.

I feel manipulated by a friend who told me he hadn’t eaten anything but popcorn in three days. How could I respond to that except to ask if I could buy him some food? He’s mismanaged his money and his employment horribly and manages to buy cigarettes. He knows I’m on a budget. He owes me money, for goodness sake! I feel guilty for judging him because it’s a matter of having food, which is kind of urgent.

Okay. How am I like this? I sometimes let people know that the reason I’m not doing something is because of money. This might put pressure on them to help me out financially, especially my boyfriend. I don’t expect them to give me money or pay my way, but they may see it as manipulative. I could bypass the money issue when I say I’m not doing something.

I have certainly mismanaged my money. I’ve bought unnecessary items and I trusted someone who I knew wasn’t reliable. I’ve bought Jujubes to feed my sugar addiction and books to feed my word addiction. I’ve mentioned money difficulties to my parents even though they’ve loaned me money.

Wow. I go into each of these entries convinced I won’t find a way that I’m like the bad guy and I’m always wrong. Funny how that works. There are a lot of great entries on this goal, btw. Check ‘em out.

I feel like instead of waiting for me to ask, I got a bit of instant karma this weekend. I was uncomfortable with a friend being mean to another friend and told him and then I was told the next day that I had been mean to a friend that night and others had noticed. Damn. I honestly don’t recall it but if others are seeing it, I must have a blindspot there. I think I’m doing exactly what bothered me; reacting to someone based on how they’ve behaved in the past and so not seeing or allowing the change in them. I hate to think that I ignored this person or shot her a dirty look (I seriously have searched my memory and can’t recall this AT ALL) or otherwise behaved cruelly.

It has made me question the defensive walls that I throw up when the person in question approaches me in public. I see her as draining and quick to take offense. I need to look at ways that I can have fun with her around and include her in the fun. It was a less than pleasant smack from the universe and part of me still wants to credit it to her occasionally exaggerated tone when relating stories and feelings. But it would be more useful to assume that it is true and I was mean to her so that I examine this carefully.

I really dislike someone with whom I have to associate for work reasons. I think this person is pushy and has no subtlety about making it clear that he knows what should be done, how to do it and when. He’s so focussed on his agenda that he bulldozes over people and has made it abundantly clear that staff people should keep their mouths shut and do what their betters tell them to do. He’s also overly dramatic, to my mind.

And how am I like this?

I do get frustrated when people are naive about hierarchy and seniority at work. Not that staff shouldn’t be respected and heard, but the people in leadership positions have decades more experience and more education and I think the younger staff members forget that sometimes. I know I’m respectful of their contribution, but I do think, sometimes, that their remarks make their lack of experience excruciatingly clear. At those times, I do wish they would shut their mouths, for the sake of their careers. But that’s me deciding what’s best for them.

Now, about the pushiness and unwillingness to compromise…hmmm. I am unwilling, in most cases, to compromise when it comes to how I spend my time outside work. I think that I know EXACTLY what people need to do to sort out their lives, how they should do it and when. I don’t express it to them out of respect for the choices they need to make but I harbor the same certainty, based on nothing more than my reading of their situation and my confidence in the philosophies that work for me. So I guess I have the attitude but not the behavior.

The drama part. That’s big for me. I wish people would keep drama in their creative works where it belongs. It’s negative drama I’m talking about, not the use of exaggeration for fun or just having a dramatic personality, per se. I think this is another area where I’m guilty of the thought but not the deed. I do sometimes imagine dramatic confrontations and can even relish the worst case scenario in my mind, seeing myself as handling it with luminous serenity (snort! uh-huh. splotch-faced poise, perhaps). I guess I’m creating mental drama. I must be drawn to the intensity of a big dramatic moment if I consciously choose to create these daydreams. Interesting.

I’ve thought of adding it a few times and have already used this technique. I’m hoping that seeing it on my list will make this a habit. It’s one of the most useful techniques I know to increase honesty and compassion.