Let go of the past

Nice attitude on me this week. I was angry with my fella because he has been spending his day off with his ex (while I am at work) for like four Tuesdays in a row. Then he blew me off and I called to meet an ex of mine, which I haven’t done since I have been in current relationship. I met the ex at “our” old bar and a friend of the current was there glaring at me. W/E I don’t get to say anything when my man goes with his ex, but I get scrutined for this one time? I have to trust that my current is faithful or I would probably lose my mind, but I can’t help bu tbe jealous of him spending time with his ex. Plus, she called him 3 times while I was at his place Monday night and he didn’t even say I was there. Yeah, maybe I could get a little hand from him to trust him. URGH!

Note to self: Can’t let go of past when you drink too much. Incapable of moving forward intoxicated.

So the fella and I came to a split and for the first time in my whole life feel that it was as amiable as it could be. I am going to work to not let myself be brought down by the failure of another relationship. Thing is that he was not like anyone else I had dated which was really good. He just wasn’t the one for me. I hope that I have learned lessons from him that I can take forward.

So, I have been very lucky to have had a couple of things click lately. I talked with two exfellas in the last two weeks and I found them different than I had remembered. No longer carrying a knightly shield and riding a white horse, and not with fire shooting from their eyes and red horns above their brows either. I also had a grateful heart lately. My fella has been my rock through two funerals and a lost cat. I have told him I love him. Incredible.

I have been thinking about this letting go idea and I inadvertently learned something about this that will help me… maybe you out there in 43Thingsland as well. I think I need to be more grateful for where my life is right here and now. If focus on what I have to be grateful for: a steady job, pursuit of my degree, a loyal man, dedicated family, then what happened before is less important, and some of it is not important at all. I do love this site!

I have this thing about looking back at my romantic past with a naive fondness that is immature and ridiculous at times. I saw one of them on Sunday after 6 years of him being gone in another state. Funny how different he was from how I remembered him. I had told my current fella he was in town and the old gang might get together. My boyfriend didn’t know him and was a bit apprehensive. Alas, no worries. He didn’t treat me as well in his several years as my fella has in a short time. Another former has been in touch. He was never able to get his feet planted in our relationship and his own future. He is out of state, too, but I know that if he were here things would be unfair all over again. My accusing, his arrogance. Life goes on and if I can live in each moment things with my millwright have a chance.

In my singlehood I have become cynical and my past memories of miserable relationships are clouding my current one. I have met a man who adores me and I am falling for him, but I have been letting my fears freak me out. I am very blessed to have met him and if this is going to work, I have to accept how things are right now and not how they were with other fellas from my past.