find true love

...nothing more, nothing less.

I used to have little crushes all the time. Now I haven’t felt anything for anyone in a really long time. It scares me. What if I can’t fall in love anymore? And the worst part is – what can you do with this type of goal except meeting people and hoping that it will hit you?

and now we’re officially together! Think we’ve might have had our first fight as well. I’m so scared and excited and surprised and… overwhelmed.

I don’t know how, but I will try my best to make it work.

This is it, I can’t have it this way. I’m going to tell him how I feel. Either we do this the right way or not at all.

It may hurt, but if he can’t understand and accept how I feel he’s not the one anyway. The sooner I know the better.

It takes two, right now I feel alone, even though I’m with him. Something has to change.

In between everything and everyone. Great.

I hate step one, I hate not knowing if there’s going to be something more than flirting. I hate not being in control.

So will I ever be able to be happilly in love unless I let go and accept that I can’t control it? Most certainly not.

I guess admitting your weaknesses is a start. I am totally aware of the problem, but have absolutely no idea how to change my behaviour and thought process.

I’ve tried to think positively, rationally and not thinking at all. No luck in that. I always fall back in the coma, thinking of all the possibilities and situations that might occure and how I would handle them. But those situations never happen, there’s always something I didn’t expect and there I am afterwards thinking I should have behaved differently. ‘I shouldn’t have kissed him’, ‘I should have confronted him’, ‘Why did I say that?’ and so on.

Perhaps it has more to do with me not trusting my instincts and trusting myself to handle the right way in unprepared situations. Oh my, I’ll just go back and continue with the love-my-self-goal, seems to be the main issue here.

My friends and I have our own kind of measurement when it comes to love.

Step 0: you have met, but technically you’re still friends since “nothing” has happened.
Step 1: You’ve passed the friendship-line, but you have no idea what is going to happen next.
Step 2: You’re officially a couple
Step 3: Engagement or any other for-the-rest-of-our-life-indication.

And of course there are no restrictions for how long a step can last. For example: my friend and her ‘man’ has been stuck in step 1 for a year ‘cause nither of them know what they want.

I, on the other hand, have now reached step 1 (again..) with this guy and desperately want to get to step 2, but don’t know how. It’s a really complicated story. I HATE not knowing what’s going to happen next.

It has been so refreshing, being in another country, for a couple of reasons. One of the reasons were to get some distance from all the love-complications, to really get a vacation from heartbreak, to be able to heal while being busy doing other things.

I went to Italy with my best friend and it was great, exactly what I needed. And when it comes to guys, I’ve never felt more appreciated. Okey, all the flirting was pretty unserious, but the point is that I got actual compliments. They also assumed you already had a boyfriend and did not understand how you couldn’t.

At home love is a game, where the one who says ‘I like you’ first has lost and then the other one is in control. You never show openly that you’re interested, which makes it so hard to know. At home a guy has never complimented me directly. I believe it’s a cultural thing. I guess that’s why it’s so hard to start a relationship. It’s not just me, practically all of my friends are single as well, even though they would be any guys dream – intelligent and beautiful, mature and funny.

I’m going to miss Italy – I felt so confident over there.

he is perfect. yes, i do believe he is. his features: tall, dark, those green eyes, that smile – those eyes and that smile together! but that’s nothing without the personality: funny, intelligent, relaxed, realistic and mature. too good to be true?

we dated a year ago and things got too complicated too soon. long distance wasn’t even a question when we barely knew each other. we’ve kept in touch randomly, just being friendly. he’s been back for some time now. suddenly we’ve spoken more, we’ve met, but nothing has happened.

it feels like the chemistry is there yet not. it’s very strange. we just never seem to get to the deeper topics even though we have a lot in common. is a good friendship on it’s way? he’s had opportunities to make a move, so i guess he’s just not that into me. how depressing.

Evaluation of 2008?
Guy’s met: 6
With potential: 3
Boyfriends: 1
Breakups: 1
Heartaches: 3

And it didn’t end happily this year either, just with a bruised, yet little stronger and wiser heart.