be happy on my own..not having to rely on someone else for happiness

well, i cheered up since then, and now im really sick. Some how, accompanying this is a sense of worthlessness. My BF talked with me a bit, and now he’s just back to only thinking about video games, and being unable to do anything outside of school with me.

i did feel good reading and laying in my bed while trying to recover, for a while…then I started feeling like a big fat lazy lump, even though i knew i needed the rest.

gleh…

Well, I used to be able to do this. Two years of therapeutic rigour in the depths of Utah usually do that to a person. Boarding school was no happy story, but for some strange reason, it was better than this. And this is home; California, friends and freedom.

I feel so lost and alone.

I can’t even say why I’m feeling this way. Well, I know what’s keeping it going, sort of, but I have no clue how it started.
Whenever Itry to talk to someone about it, it’s almost like it get’s swept beneath the rug. They start talking about themselves, or something unrelated again. It’s like no one can even hear me. Maybe I just listen too much, and everyone is so unused to me having issues. I’m relapsing pretty bad, cutting, prolly I’ll start drinking again soon. But I guess the upside, is that my stories (I write fiction, hve a novel written, unpublished) is getting good again.

My boyfriend won’t listen, my parents my, my brother doesn’t give a shit, and my best gal-friend asked me how I felt for the first time out of the whole 4 months I’ve known her. That was nice. We talked a bit, then she went on to rant about her new ‘man-love’ (That’s what I call him) They had an interesting night apparently.
I always know whats up with my friends, I can analyze it with ease, pinpoint issues, and I always know the right thing to say. And yet somehow, I’m at a total loss as to how to deal with myself.

While not alone in presence, I am alone in every intangible sesnse possible.