Fight my Disordered Eating with Vehemence.

Very difficult session today for some reason. I am cranky, not running well and this is getting me into a funk.
Doctor suggested I try yoga. I found it entertaining that he also suggested I reduce some of my other exersise so I can do yoga. While the idea of yoga appeals, the idea of stopping running doesnt

The doctor did make me laugh a little afterwards because he actually told me to take care of my “tum” (worried that I am taking a bit of ibuprofen…) and that wasn’t a word I expected from him.
nutritionist was alright, I learned today that yams are not sweet potatos. Who knew. Sweet potatos have more nutrients.

Will look into whats offerred at the gym for Yoga. Amazing how that man has a wya of getting me to do what he wants, even if I outwardly refuse and refuse and refuse. Wierd. Something tells me I might need to move on from that.

Is the latest MD to join in my team. One thing I wish people understood is how much eating disorders affect all parts of your health.
It really isn’t just about being thin, or not. Nor is it just affecting your stomach or how you feel emotionally.
Because of my eating habits for years, I am at a high risk for Osteoporosis. With my recent bout of leg and hip pain, I am going back to my orthopedist. I actually am getting better and didn’t want to,but the other Doctor seemed to think it was a very very good idea.
It really isn’t worth all this. THere are so many far reaching consequences that are never consdiered when these habits start to form.
And darn it all, it is expensive to keep having to see specialists etc.

Things were sort of status quo. This past week I had too much stress…Relative died, I had no new contract and no really good prospects, finances have been tight, recertification exams, concerns about my injury to my leg. Any one of these things would have been fine, but put together it became quite a bit.
And within a few days, any semblance of normal eating had disappeared.
Once that stress went away, regular eating has prevailed.
Nutritionist is now actually weighing me at the office which I find sort of not very fun.
Doctor seems to think I am doing fantastically, however, he has not seen me in a week or so, so he was unaware of my interesting meals.
I’m getting somewhere, but I am not exactly sure where.

Saw the MD today. He is usually quite reserved about giving any sort of praise/scolding approval/disapproval. But he did actually say today that he though I was doing fantastically well. Nice. I feel marginal, mostly because of the leg injury. I am down some pounds which puts me into an iffy position. I noted MD looking at me rather carefully today…not sure though if he was trying to gauge my weight or look at my gait which is gimpy and of concern to him. Of course he could have been overwhelmed by my stellar good looks from the behind LOL (Pretty sure it wasnt that.)
Nutritionist tomorro, where I am sure I will have to discuss the weight in detail at his request, so he doesnt have to be the one to comment….Ha.
Feeling a lot less pressured with this. but I know as soon as I let down my guard I could really screw it up.

Things seem very status quo as far as food is concerned.
I’m eating almost everything on the meal plan, and using all the supplements as well, (Calcium Vitamin C etc). I had a lot of trouble when I was sick, but who likes to eat a well balanced meal of lima beans when you feel lousy?
I feel pretty good. I have a funny feeling there is going to be a next step soon, and I’m dreading that. Nutritionist was particularly nice this week because she felt bad for my poor broken heart. It was also nice because I didn’t have to talk about food for most of the time and that usually gets me irritable.
MD said I looked better than he had seen me in a long time (or ever). I don’t really feel that great, but its nice to look good, I guess. But I still get to see him anyway. Him as a person is very nice and funny, as an MD, he is still quite formidable. He seems to have a plan, I do wish he’d tell me what it was…but I think if he did I’d sort of sabotage it.
Right now I feel really as if I am in a holding pattern and am not sure whats going next, but the Next I have a feeling is going to be a biggie…then again…maybe its not. maybe its just going to be alright from now on out?

Moving right along….one more snack and I’d done eating for the day, it’s totally like a second job the eating.

was not so bad. I had a low eating week, but not too low. As is occasionally the case, the Nutritionist took my journal and didnt give it back to me. I hate when she does that because I just wonder what she does with it. I think she actually calculates the acutal calories and may share it with the MD, but who knows exactly.
She noted my long QT segment on my pre stress test EKG and said, well, good to be aware of that, I now have a heart rate monitor that beeps so if I start to have a bad arrhythmia, i guess it will make some noises, but I know and she knows that its useless, but it makes everyone feel better. Nutritionist told me my menstrual cycle should be seven days long (whhhhat?).
I am determined to get in all the snacks and stuff this week. So we’ll see what happens. Lots of travel this week so hopefully I can not mess up the eating plan.
Gained a few pounds. They seem to look ok with me.
She thinks it is going to take at least 9 months to get everything back on track. But she did acknowledge that I am eating more consistently. It’s a lot less of a battle these days….

tell exactly where I am at with all this.
Doctor did tell me he felt like I was working hard etc, but we rarely actually talk about food/eating. We did talk about it today. He was very pleased to see my cardiac testing came back healthy. he did put me back on a see him once a week schedule which is expensive. He just feels I get really shut down over two weeks…whatever. He says I’m ready for this and that, but I am unsure if I can achieve those things. Very ambivalent. But ambivalent is better than opposed.

Nutritionist said that some of what I did this week looked like “normal eating” but it was a difficult time. I have gained about 3 pounds overnight which is not real weight, but was still quite annoying to me. I’m adjusting to the eating plan and that sort of thing. In fact, at this point, it all seems very normal and I tend to barely think about it.
I feel pretty lazy about the food in general. THis week, I am going to make a stronger effort to not lose my food journal and to concentrate on whats going on with my thoughts about food weight exersise.
I stopped swimming because trainer told me to, and everyone except me is happy…
I have the feeling I am about to hit the next level….looking forward to that.

had the double dose of eating today, Doc and Nutritionist.
I feel like I had a fairly good session with the Doctor despite my problem with arriving on time. I was on time, but piddling about in the car, and got distracted and was thus late. Wierdly, he provided me with a great deal of anxiety relief, which is not actually his goal. He likes me to stew in the anxiety, but I suppose in this week, he felt a little sorry for me and threw me a “bone” as it were.

Nutritionist was not too bad either, surprisingly. She was extremely understanding about all the rude thoughtless comments coming lately.
She did increase my intake this week whoo hoo. I was alright with it in the office, but that was probably because I wasn’t paying attention. When shopping I had a hard time with it, but we will see. I really need the extra calories, as the miles increase on the running plan.
Oddly, I find myself absoloutely exhausted. it’s hard work.
And darn it all, i forgot to get spinach!

I am coming to accept that I am at a good weight for my height right now. It’s nice to know technically I can go up or down 5 pounds without getting anyone upset.

So yesterday one of the secretaries suddenly asks, “If you are running so much how come you havent lost like 20 pounds???” I’ve been at that weight. I didn’t look good, and I had no energy etc.
So I just looked at her and said, “Because I don’t need to lose 20 pounds, I go to a nutritionist to be sure I don’t do that.”

It really angered me and of course made me a bit upset about weight food etc. It made me question all that I’ve been doing…

I have to consider the source. I must consider the source. And I have to remember most people do not understand restrictive eating. I can not expect them to. For the rest of my life people are going to make hurtful statements. I’m just going to have to deal with it. I know most comments about food weight etc are more about the person than about me, but it still is really thoughtless and hurtful.

This week was improved with the Nutritionist. I made a special effort to talk to her rather than fight with her. She didn’t offer any odd suggestions, I have a feeling the doctor talked to her, as I had complained about some of the stuff with her and he said he agreed with me about those complaints.
Well, she did say she felt like she was seeing progress…So we’ll see. Some of these things seem to be resolving as things in life progress….