Live one day at a time and Journal a moment from each forever capturing the significance of life lived.

It has been awhile since, I have posted to this one. Each day there is so much living we do, so it should be easy to post here. I find though that time passes me by all to often. Yet, there are other times like today that drag and don’t seem to move at all. I am sitting here at my son orthodontist waiting from him to walk around the corner and smile. Showing me those beautiful pearly whites of his I have not completely seen for a couple years. He is such a sweet and beautiful son. Though a teenager ;). I am so proud of him. He is beginning to grow in a young man. He is so mature in so many ways and yet so young in as many or more in other ways.

He is dealing with divorce, he is in “love” for the first ime…

to be continue

Another lovely mild summer day in St. Louis. Blue skies with sunshine and a gentle breeze with no humidity. Really nice.

Today began early again, but this time by choice. We decided today was the day to go back to church. Catholic Church. There is a church down the road that we call the “potato chip” church. It is one of those more modern churches built in the sixties. My kids went to psr there and made their first communion’s there, there was girl scouts there and my daughter playing basketball and a year of kindergarten for her. There is a memory of letting go here, coming before father and asking for forgiveness for something even though confessed so many years prior; I kept asking until that day so long ago when he said it was an even greater sin not to accept forgiveness…The memories floated all around me…many so many with me alone or me and my kids, but mostly alone.

Now, today, I go with my guy, B. He and I are both Catholic. Both gone a little astray, yet returning today. Me because it is time again and I need it…it is a missing piece of me. Him for his daughter…a soccer team and psr and I think too a missing part of life he needs too.

It felt so good to be standing, kneeling and sitting in church hand n hand with him. I am home in the love we share, I am home with him. We are home together, in church and in life…

Started this awhile back and didn’t follow through. I begin again…

Today was a beautiful blue sky sunny day.

It began with the grinding sound of the garage door awaking me from a sound sleep. My son and his girlfriend opening up their garage sale for business bright and early…very early…good grief…

My bedroom is situated above the garage…what makes the memory special is I shared it with my guy. We awoke snugged into together with Maggie the dog now barking protecting the family from intruders…good grief…

Unlike past memories of being awoken by kid’s stuff he joked and made light of it…all we wanted to do was sleep in…but now awake and listening to kids and a dog barking and kitty cats meowing the garage door going up and down repeatedly for who knows why…we laugh and enjoy…we just enjoy the moment…

Today, I awoke early to a frosty and deeply cold winter’s morning in St. Louis. My home has walls and windows that allow the outside in. Upon peaking out from under my blankets, I am greeted by the cold air sneaking in through the windows and walls so cold. But, I am grateful, because I am blessed, I am able to be warm and protected in the old and small house, that I call my home. A true home of peace and quiet. I pull the curtains back feeling the cold air brush across my fingers as I do revealed to me is a beautiful sunshine filled bluer than blue sky dotted with white clouds here and there…

I am slow to venture out…there is a chill in the air, I am warm and it is early. So, I dawdle on-line catching up with mail and 43Ts…but I allow what I believe to be plenty of time. Except, I do not factor in allowances for “Lucy” good grief…but I shower and make it on my way running just a few minutes behind, but it’s ok, we will make it to our church(the church where we met) on time, I know we will, we will have a happy day.

As I drive, I find that I am hearing, listening, and being drawn into a song. “Making Memories of Us”. I realize as I listen to the words, what they mean to me and how they are what I am feeling at this particular time in my life. As I drive closer and closer to him, I begin to believe more and more in him. He has been saying this to me, and I need to start listening and believing in him. Closer and closer I drive to him; my heart smiles and feels him with me. I know he will be here for me from now on only if I believe in him. So, I will, how will I ever have true love if I don’t.
Even though there is coldness all around me both physically and emotionally within my heart from fears, loss, and failure; I am feeling warm. Feeling the warmth given by love. The sun is indeed shining in the bluer than blue sky today. I see it and let it fill me up…

Because, he’s gonna love me…he will earn my trust in making memories of us…we will follow the rainbow…

Today, up early…waking my son…pleading my my daughter to please, please turn off her alarm…ittyBitty underfeet and jumping on furniture in plants; sending pictures and diet coke flying…but all was well and we headed out the door on time…my son pulled the car out and we were ready for his first day at a new school…or were we…

no we weren’t…”Mom, I can’t do this…I want to go back to Lafayette” I just looked at him for a minute. Looking at those blue eyes looking back at me, the face of my baby boy looking back at me. I thought of what he has been through, how could I force him to go somewhere and begin again…he says, “I was up all night thinking about this”. As I look, I muster a smile and say, “Ok, we will make this work somehow, someway”. He further says, “I can stay with Dad, if I need to”...
Is that what you want?
No, that’s the problem, he says.
I assure him there is no problem, he will stay with me and his sister, we will figure it out.

He is relieved, he thanks me, he tells me he feels his friends are a second family to him, he needs them and the ROTC program. He asked if I understood. I said, more than you know and not to worry it will all work out. We can do this.

Out of the mouth’s of babes…
is what is on my mind right now. My son may be 15 but as a child does, he still does not realize what should be spoken and what should not be spoken. We were headed to the store this evening when he just matter of factly tells me his dad is seeing someone and that he (my son) was reading their texts and IMs and such. Good Grief! Anyway, I did not react. I wasn’t surprised. I did not care. I was actually pleased. We were both moving forward…

that is until he told me her name. It could have been any other name, anyone else; but no, it was her. The one that was there around our 10 year anniversary. The one I found letters of love dated on our anniversary. The one where he is pouring his heart out to, pining over. The one I found letters written to probably better than 5 years ago and pictures of her to him with notes on the back.

Married 23 years. And, he has loved another for a good part of that. And, he was angry and mean and abusive to me nearly all of it. All I can ask and ponder is why. Why when I found the letters and confronted him did he continue to lie and say it was nothing, he did nothing wrong, he wanted us to be together and to work it out. Why lived like that for so many years. Why did I keep trying to please. Why did I keep hoping for love. Why did we waste all this precious time. and Most importantly, why did we live like we did allowing it to hurt our children. Why, Why, Why. A life of lies and deceipt; nothing true in love. Nothing but betrayl.

I gave him so many opportunities to end it, to divorce. No he wouldn’t do it putting it back on me. And, now, as my son tells it he playing the sympathy card. How I left him, how everyone hates him. aaaaaggggghhh! What a waste! What ashame. More importantly, Shame on Him, Shame on Him.

He had surprised me tonight with kindess, money to make it through the week, food for the pantry, a compliment looking at me and saying I looked really good, pulling me close to him for a hug and even shockingly a kiss. I was thinking what got into him. What this all about after 4 months of nothing.

My son answered it; made it all clear. Why it was guilt. Plain and simply guilt. He is going to carry that guilt for a long, long time.

My son asked if I were upset. I said no and yes and explained briefly why yes and no. I explained he did not have to share that sorta thing with me. And, that he really doesn’t have to. It was ok, but that he could talk to me about anything.

Today I began again…walking that is. I want to get back to my routine. 45 minutes today. The air was cool and crisp, yet a warm springlike feel was growing a I walked along. Nothing like St. Louis…Tuesday was 12 and windy today 60’s even though overcast it was a wonderful. The white with gray patched sycamore trees so tall and baron of leaves stood tall, among the other leafless trees could be seen once nest homes of various birds…I could see the leafy homes of those rascally squirrels running up and down the trees and fences as I walked by. All was quiet, cool I could hear the whistle and chug-a-long of a train in the distance, sweet lone songs of birds here and there, children bungled and riding their bikes was the only other sound to be heard along with my the steps of my shoes walking along the sides walks and my deep breathes breathing in and out fresh cool air not only waking me but filling me with energy and life.

More cleaning and rearranging our small home. Trying to figure out what will make it look less cluttered and simply decorated. Yet have a life of a home surrounding us. Tomorrow I look forward to going to our Wildwood house for one of the last times freely. I will be picking up my son who has packed some more, along with some of my and my daughters remaining possessions. I have some wonderful wall hanging and such, receipe books, pretty glassware and art. It is time to allow J to decorate the home for him, now that my son is living with me.

A day shopping with Mr. B. Getting to know him more and he me. Being comfortable and ease with each other, laughing and talking. Having Chinese for dinner and snugging to watch Letters from Imo Jima. Wonderful movie. It was such a comfortable day. We have spent a lot time together the last week, next week will be different and won’t be able to see him as much, I will miss him. But it is right, I will see him the following week again. I didn’t want the day to end.

Now, I sit here and type on my laptop making an entry here at 43T looking into my messy bedroom that took the fallout of the cleaning rearranging extravaganza and sipping hot tea.

I love you. You are the reason I can smile; even when times are hard. You are the reason I can look ahead to the future. And you are the only one I can see myself with for the rest of my life. I love you very much and nothing will ever change that. You have my heart always. I am yours always.

a sweet gift of words helping me move from one day to the next in this time of change.

and morning is here and in just a few short hours I will have to get up and begin my day again. Everyday, it begins with a smile and aHappyHeart because that is who I am and what is in my heart. I have been dragging the last couple days or better. I wrote my gratitudes earlier after awaking from falling asleep to see an email from a friend I did not expect; I looked for another’s first, but it wasn’t there. I knew already it would not be, but was hopeful…I am always hopeful it is how I live my life…without hopes and dreams nothing will ever be…nothing will ever come true…how can there be a happily ever after without it.

This holiday season will be particularly difficult in some respects, yet I am so content in my choice to move forward in my life and away from a long term emotionally abusive situation filled with so much unhappiness that it will come and go with a peaceful ease.

I had fallen asleep earlier skipping my gratitudes and then waking to find that email bringing smile to my heart and a realization that I need to stop and be grateful…so I did.

I live one day at a time. So, I took time to look at my day and how it was connected to this one I love finding I am still happy we spoke today and shared our life with each other. We smiled and laughed enjoying feelings of love and warmth.

I am happy still even though my evening meeting up with him, Mr. B, didn’t have the connecting feeling it has had. I am still find I carry good feelings of the fun I had trying to decide what I could buy to pack a midnight lunch. I have always loved doing this sorta thing, ‘cept forgot to stick a sweet note in; but I guess it is for the best. As I found he, his heart, is no longer with me. So, earlier that is why I had just decided to go to sleep; due to that overwhelming fear and disillusionment and surprise of an ending that is about to come. I knew it would, just wish it wasn’t during the holiday season; but we cannot always choose beginnings and endings we may think we can, but we cannot.

He has gone where I thought he would in the end. I knew I would not be enough to sustain him…I am not his family…I am just someone who could make him smile and laugh and pick him up and now I am unable to any longer. Because his heart is truly somewhere else. Yet, I am grateful for having him; he has taught me what it feels like to be not only loved but liked. Something I have never truly felt with another man before.

We met a year ago, just better than; I did not meet him face to face until just before I left my husband, but the process had begun. I believe in the sanctimony of marriage and as bad as it had been I was forever faithful to him, my husband, even though he cannot say the same for himself. I agreed to meet Mr. B at a church a friend of mine belonged to after encouragement from this friend to help Mr. B feel welcome. That day we were put on a path to another level of friendship to recently a relationship. A relationship of love and affection and continued understanding for what each were experiencing as we both went along Mine differs in that I chose my path and he was put on his by his wife.

I ended up giving my heart to him; I not only like him, I love him. Daily I would love to make him smile and laugh and feel happiness; but in the end it is not enough…he still pines for her and the family he once had…he still wants that more than me; more than the love I am offering and giving him.

Foolish heart of mine…it is all about love and affection and caring for others and the hope I will find my match of the same. I let myself believe in what he was saying to me, but in the end here it is clear that when he is at his lowest I am not the one to fill him up; he does not think of me and a future…he thinks of his past which I was not apart of…that is what he wants and desires. I am not enough. So, in these morning hours I face it…his love was never for me…I was just a bridge…a bridge which lead him to a place filled with smiles and laughter for awhile and that is all. A happy place to visit.

So, this mornng, the beginning of another one day; I accept and know all will be well. Believing as I always have in happily ever after. What else is there to do? In a couple hours I will get up and go forward as planned; continuing with my path a little lonelier but on my own two feet a step at a time towards finding my happily ever after.

I am grateful for…

1. Rainy days and Fridays
2. my new apartment in my childhood neighborhood
3. good job interview and a feeling of being able to move forward and overcome.
4. a good and understanding time at home with my husband tonight
5. a hug from my son and a kiss from maggie the dog

I know this does not belong here, however, I have been trying since Tuesday to save an entry for listing 5 things I am grateful for…so for the heck of it I tried it here and it worked. quirky, but ok. I will leave it for now.