Raise my children to happy, successful, caring adults

I love this poem, it is perfect for life and I wish it for my children. Especially, for my daughter who has chosen to move back with her father. It is my hope that he will be able to help her in ways I have not been able too…

I know that many have seen probably in an email from someone…

Enough…
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough “Hello’s” to get you through the final “Good-bye.”

So, my wish to my daughter is “Enough” in so many ways. And, love always…always…

To accept is to receive with a consenting mind.

This is one of the many definitions I found for Accept.

A consenting mind…being able to say it is ok, I love you, I want you happy, I am here to help and guide you so you grow to be confident, independent, and successful in and throughout your life.

How often are we able to do this when we are presented with something that will challenge us in a way that we never imagined; yet know if, just if, and when we make it through it, we will be stronger and better for it; more accepting of life and all it’s circumstances that come and go not only in our own life, but those around us.

My daughter took a step to speak with me regarding herself in the presence of her psychologist…I had been hoping for this moment since we began this process when she was 14-15; she is now 19. I am sitting across from her in a room that we had sat in so many times, but separately. Her alone with Dr. H; her father alone with Dr. H; me alone with Dr H; her father and I together yet alone with Dr. H. but never, never, not once could we come together as a family with our daugther to speak and reveal and to heal. But on this day, now a couple weeks ago today, I was sitting across from my daugher as she revealed and shared with me. To her surprise I was open, loving, accepting of her. She felt unconditional love and I saw and experienced that. I learned about my daughter that day and she learned about me that day. That day was our beginning.

These words are even better: If you accept them, then their worth is great.

I am working hard on this one. Trying to set a good example of how we should treat each other. I have always taught my children “to do unto others as you’d have them do unto you”. I always thought, hoped it would be enough, but sometimes it takes more. Sometimes we send mixed messages to our children by accepting disrespect in words and action directed at us. At me. What did I truly expect? Did I truly believe he would never speak to me like his father has done so often—almost daily. I allowed his father to do it over the years, so in his mind it must be ok for him too, right. Wrong, so wrong. I must break this cycle. I must step up so he does not repeat these behaviors. He has heart, he is like me in so many ways…I just hope by modeling appropriate behavior now ensuring those around me,especially his father, treat me with the appropriate respect I deserve, we all deserve.

His words and tone hurt so deeply tonight. All I could do was look at him and then walk away. I will wait for an apology; I will not be so easy to meet all of his requests of me. He needs feel it and understand that not only will I not accept that type of behavior—others certainly will not.

Today was like any other day taking my daughter to her therapist. The usual “I don’t want to talk” volley of words. Nothing ever getting finished just thrown out there in the air and ending with “I don’t want to talk”.

At times I feel so ineffective as a Mom, a parent, a role model. I don’t understand why and am continually looking and re-evaluating myself for the right answers…for the right words, the right way to redirect and pull us back and allow each of us to make our point and to have understanding. Understanding for not only what we are discussing but for each other.

There are periods of time I just let it go, when her sharpness pierces my heart, remembering and knowing what it felt as a little girl and then a young person to hear harsh words coming at you from your mother, your parents, instead of their understanding. Pain greeted with pain. And that is my downfall. Because there are times when I have to let her know she has crossed the line and can’t get the words right and I appear weak because I don’t want to be harsh.

Today she did with her harsh sharpness (she has her father’s tongue) with all my strength and control, I let her know she was acting unkindly and her behavior was wrong…there was another volley of words at me, but I let them fall.

As I drove I was feeling ashamed that I could not handle this as someone else would have. Someone else would have gotten a better result, better understanding. And as hard as I tried not to let a tear fall from my eyes a few rolled out and over my cheeks and down to my chin, I tried to catch them and wipe away secretively. I then worried more that she saw me from the back seat once again appearing weak as I held back and did not engage her, just leaving it be. With all my might I tried not to shed any tears. I hate them, “why am I like this?”, is all that went through my head on the quiet ride home.

As we pulled into the garage of our home, I kept my face down as if picking things up. As she thanked me and walked around the side of the car; I hear her voice again, quiet and soft,

“Here, I found this while waiting for you.”
I say, “What is it?”
still looking down ashamed of my tears, though only a few had fallen I knew they were upon my face. As I turn and look, I see her hand holding a soft graybrown feather, perfectly formed with just a little fuzz at the quill.
I say, “Don’t you want to keep it” as if nothing happened.
She says, “No, I want you to have it”.

This apology touched me more than anything…I find I am still filled with tears, yet I know she has heart and understanding and she loves and cares for me as I do her.

I wake up in a panic—”Have I done something wrong” I reassure myself, “No, everthing is ok, you have it right” and trying to think back through all of our discussions on medications and changes to dosages. I am spilling over in worry, I am restless, I cannot sleep. Only thoughts I have are; “Is my daughter at risk”, “Do I have the correct understanding of the medicines”, “Did I make a mistake”, “Why didn’t I ask my daughter different questions”, “Surely, the doctor filling in for my daughter’s doctor would not prescribe medicines incorrectly, she has the file, she will have, of course, read it before refilling meds”, “How could both the pharmacy and the doctor get it wrong”, “I don’t remember any changes”, “Aaaagggh, I need to get help for my ADD”...the thoughts just keep flipping through my mind like one of those old picture show machines at the turn of the century…the one where people would crank the handle to view. I can’t sleep, I am unable torest in the comfort of our bed. I toss and I turn, I sit up, I reach for my glasses to see what time it is, I start to get up, I sit back down on the edge of the bed, I get up, I lay back down, I toss and I turn, I sit up, I can’t take it…I walk down to her bedroom in basement, I start to quietly tap on her door, I stand there for moment, I don’t want to disturb her sleep, I have to know, I just do, I quietly and gently open her door, I stand there and I listen as I did when she was just a baby and as a small child, I listen for the whisper of her breathing in and out…in and out, I hear her, I know she is resting comfortably, I know she is here…I hear her peaceful soft breaths…

I can’t completely leave her though, I remain above her resting in a recliner within our family room, I am in the quiet darkness of our home, I have what feels like an elephant sitting on my chest, I can feel it through my back, I am ok, I heard her sweet breaths, as I write this the birds begin to wake outside, I look up, I see the dawn of a new day, I begin to dose, I do not leave, I stay above her, I am still filled with doubt and I worry as I nod off, but I know she is here, I still have her…

_{I have had enough! I have totally disagreed with the approach one of the doctors has requested we take with regards to our daughter. I have tried to go along with it due to she is the medical expert and she is the one supposed to be helping our daughter and us as parents understand what our daughter is going through, help progress through the process to successfully managing certain aspects to leaving other things behind, and utimately rebuilding our relationship with respect, trust and most of all love…but we are the parents we know her best…that has incredible value to her well being.}

a poem by ee cummings

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

Everyday for the last 2 or better years I have been telling my daughter “I love you”...

I have gotten all sorts of reponses…from grunts…uh huh…whatever…leave me alone…I don’t care…so…okay…mostly whatever and grunts though…mixed with various other comments…

it has been the hardest road to travel…everyday beginning again…everyday with a smile…everyday giving her love unconditionally…everyday saying those most important words “I love you” no matter what…no matter what spews out of her mouth…just biding time and showing her love with acts of kindness and just plain being there…

Sunday night I allowed her to go out with her friends nothing unusual…I taxi cab her and her friends around all the time…since it was Sunday would not let her stay out very late and made my expectations clear and would not change my mind about pickup even with the many attempts at texting her brother putting him up trying to get me to change my mind…

I called her when I was near to picking her up…she was pleasant and cooperative and probably wired on coffee because she and her friends were ready and waiting at Starbucks. As we were hanging up the words “I Love You” was heard coming from her end of the phone…OMG! OMG! Did she say what I think she said…OMG! ok, ok, ok, ok (saying this to myself of course) be cool…responding with “I’ll be right there and luv ya”

hung up the phone and and began happy dancing to the music on the radio…OMG my beautiful, mad at me for so long daughter said “I Love You”...be still my heart and remember to be cool about it, don’t make a big deal and I will hear it again…there is nothing better…