WARNING: this is way long and a final version of what I began about a month ago. also the name “buddy” was what I used to call him instead of his real name and has no connection/meaning other than how it is written (for those who know me). It brought my sister to tears and to my surprise my husband liked my writing style (I had never shared anything with him) so I thought I would go ahead and post it.
CHAPTER 1 – The Car Ride Home
The day is bright and beautiful with a sky that is a high deeply bright blue and a sun shining yellow like you would color it when in school. Its yellow warm rays are reaching out and shining down; touching everything, giving life. The country road moves through rolling hills filled with beautifully blossoming trees: Apple blossom whites and pinks; Missouri Dogwood whites; Red Bud purple pinks and newly emerging yellow green leaves; all swaying gently in the wind. The ground is a vibrant green speckled with flower blossoms of pinks, purples, blues, yellows, reds and whites and many colors in-between; tall and reaching for the sun and the sun shining down to and through them setting them aglow. The only thing that interrupts the truest of true blue skies above are birds flying and singing a happy spring song.
Up ahead is the street sign “Hill Drive”. Turning left onto the one lane road; heading around the bend and over the creek and up the hill. Up, and up, and up and around and down the road between the two old oak trees used as first and third base. So many school days walking this hill down and up each day, all the trips to Minnie Deal’s for penny candy… instead of a living room a candy store… and down to Bonnie’s house; more like a farm by the creek for some wadding and fishing for critters and eating vegetables straight off the vines and out of the ground.
Now left into the driveway; taking Dad’s spot as he has run off to some sort of garage sale or out buying plants for his vegetable garden or flowers for the beds; who really knows. Walking into the garage past the red wagon and up to the windowed welcoming backdoor—before the garage there was a small porch with steps leading to the side and back yards. Today not taking her shoes off and leaving them on the welcome mat as she usually does before entering. She hears her dog, Buddy, jump from her parents bed excited to see her. Wagging and greeting and making little welcoming sounds as she sits with him on the floor; he nuzzles his nose and head up against her, still wagging. She pets him and talks to him and loves him. Buddy is all black except for his now gray beard and somewhat graying feet. He is a big dog, she has always described him and thought of him as a black golden retriever, but he is a chow lab mix. So sweet, loves everyone except the garbage man.
CHAPTER TWO – Buddy’s Car Ride
Today they are going for a car ride. He likes car rides until he gets going and he figures they are going to the vet, but today he is a little different. Mom has the Jimmy all set up for him…seats down and a green blanket for him to lay on…his short lead on to keep him safe and laying down for the short distance ride, just a few minutes away. Back down the hill and over the creek and this time down a two lane divided highway. Spring life all around them, the sky still true blue, the sun still bright with yellow rays shining down and a gentle warm, sweetly fragrant breeze brushing against them; their faces and through their hair. Mom takes Buddy, he has to stop at his favorite bush and let other dogs know that he was there and this is his bush and then they can go inside and visit with the vet.
All signed in, not much of a wait and it’s their turn, up they go and begin their journey to the back, Buddy looks and somewhat says, “No, I don’t really want to visit today or any day”, but obedient and sweetly wagging he comes along and they go into his room. The room was bright, but an old antiseptic chipped green and white. There was no way he was going up on that old and cold table…he looked at her and she him…deciding to sit down on the old white floor; his sweet loving head under her arm and across her lap. In front and above them a windowed door; a back door (she loves back doors) with a small porch and steps leading to the back yard…where they are supposed to play…but not today…they just look at each other…they are the only ones with life in this room…even though there are windows and a windowed back door the life outside is closed out; kept away. Though light entered, the yellow sun rays didn’t…the blue sky didn’t even have the same bright blue coloring…it was all distorted in a way…no green grass, no colorful flowers and trees, no birds flying and singing…only cool lifeless white light. They wanted to shiver, but it was too warm for that; but they felt it inside.
As they were waiting, the staff each came in to greet Buddy and talk with him. They have all known him the whole time they have worked here, they are all buds. Her Mom waits in the waiting room; she was there to help because Buddy is such a big guy. The doctor and her Mom decide a shot would be best; one that will help him rest and feel better. It was a quick visit and to Buddy’s delight he was headed back outside. Back outside to the sunshine and warm spring breeze; sitting on a blanket of richly green grass laid out under a huge oak tree. He is sniffing the air and the ground…listening and watching the birds…and nuzzling up against her with a little waggy. Everything surrounding them is new, bright and fresh and full of life; all around them beautiful life. Together taking it all in; together in the moment.
It was time to go and a couple of Buddy’s friends came out to help her put him back in the Jimmy. They had decided that it would be best and less stressful to give him his shot there, because he is a nervous and heavy guy. It’s actually two shots one to relax some and one bigger one that will help him. As he began to rest she promised a ride in the red wagon when they got home. He was so good, so sweet; his head in her lap. She’s stroking, petting him, reassuring him, loving him.
CHAPTER THREE: Ride in the Red Wagon
The car ride home was quick and quiet, Buddy resting. Around them still amazing beauty and warmth. It almost seemed as if more blossoms opened. Colors of life seemed more vivid than before; the sky a deeper and brighter blue and the sun even more yellow. The contrast of inside and outside was like the black and white darkness of Kansas and the bright, life giving color of Oz. She promised him a ride in the red wagon; it was a perfect day for it. Home now; Mom is pulling the wagon out of the garage; and up to the Jimmy where Buddy and she wait, her fingers running through his soft warm coat. Since he was resting, she lifted him up from the back where he was laying and lowered him gently in the red wagon. He was comfortably in and ready for his wagon ride. She was a little girl again pulling her dog around her big yard on a beautiful spring day. Sometimes the wagon was a red boat carrying passengers to a beautiful tropical island other times a red car driving the countryside to a picnic under a cool and shady oak tree.
Mom walks along as they head down the somewhat gravel road towards first and third base, but turning before into the grassy front yard next to and walking under the Magnolia tree. Down along the side yard bordered by lavender colored and oh so sweetly fragrant lilac bushes towering over them with lush flower blossoms hanging. Senses were heightened, noticing everything; smelling, hearing, seeing, and feeling. Feeling the muscles in her arms and in her legs as they control the rolling red wagon. Feeling each beat of her heart. Seeing and smelling the fragrant spring gardens with blossoming trees all around. Mom tells her to keep the red wagon on the outside edge of the yard in order to keep control of the wagon and to take it down to where an oak tree with a swing used to stand and she used to swing and sing, “I see the moon and the moon sees me…” and around the bend and down the cobble stones draped by the oldest Red Bud tree she has ever known and admired. It was there before she was born and it is still there now flush with purple pink blossoms and surrounded by a garden of varying shades of purple wild flowers.
Continuing down along side and past the barn where her ponies once lived. A painted pony named Mr. Mudd; a golden with white mane and tail, Shantelle; Jackie who died; remembering the day she found Little Miss Muffet in Shantelle’s stall. And then as the wagon rolled down deeper into the backyard she could see Little Miss Muffet running around with her white puff of a tail high and her white mane blowing back in the wind. Running to and around, Shantelle, her mother. Running with the sweet breezes of spring and in setting suns. Running full of life.
They are now rolling past one of the oldest oak trees in the yard, the last tree to have a swing…remembering swinging high reaching for the sun and the moon and the stars; reaching for her future; a place where she would come to figure things out and find her way. Rolling past where the pool once was and where now resides Dad’s vegetable garden…along with the turtles and the bunnies and the birds and where the deer visit. Finally down to another long life lived oak tree, where they played more softball (and it too was third base) and many competitive games of croquet…where she picked soft sweet purple bundles of phlox for her Mom…the playhouse off to the right nestled in by trees and vines, still standing with it’s memories of playing house, playing fort and just plain hanging out. The ground they walked and the red wagon rolled upon was greener than green along with deep purple wild violets weaved within and throughout.
They arrived under the oak tree, tall and wide, sure to spread wonderful shade in the summertime. The red wagon rolled up to and stopped at a mound of heavy and wet brown clay earth, a king of the hill mound. Today she would be king, but did not want to be, she wanted everything but, mostly she wanted to run. She wanted to be that little girl again pulling her dog to a picnic in the wagon, running with her ponies, swinging high in her swing, running the bases with her brothers and having a game of king of the hill. All of them rushing up and pushing off and trying to each own the top, their dog playing along too barking and wagging and challenging to be king. Echoes of laughter, echoes of voices, echoes of young lives, echoes all around her…every memory echoing and moving around her…consuming her. So, much life around her: life once lived, life in the here and now, and life in the here after. Life; all life.
CHAPTER FOUR – Reality: A Ride in the Circle of Life
She tried to put it all in perspective…remembering the sad call from her Mom, the dilemma of choice…remembering his jump from her parent’s bed; his legs giving out from under him, falling to the floor hitting his chin, pulling himself up onto shaky legs and bringing himself to her. It was the saddest most heartbreaking image with all the energy he could muster he brought himself to greet her one last time. His muzzle moist mixed with tears that silently and secretively fell from her eyes. Her loving voice calmed him; she talked him back up on the bed; his breathing labored until he was back and resting on the bed as long as he didn’t move. She sat with him petting, letting him hear her voice, letting him feel the love coming from her.
Mom holding onto, not wanting to let go of him; he is barely able to carry his sweet wagging self back to the exam room, not realizing the tears from his friends who have known him all his life; not knowing they were coming to say goodbye and tell him how good and sweet he is and has been and how much they love him and how much they will miss him while he rests on the floor on her lap. She wraps her arm around his neck hugging tightly and whispering soft calming words as they shave a spot on his right leg. Holding the tears back as he happily walks on labored shaky feet with a wag still in his tail back past Mom; she asks her Mom to wait just a little longer, barely able to look upon her heartbroken tearful pain stricken face, as they pass and head outside where they enjoy the beautiful spring day on the soft cool grass under the oak tree; a wonderful way to end the visit. Their moments together are happy and sweet and loving moments—memories made in the beautiful life living all around. His head leans up against hers, she says, “I love you and I love the beauty of this day for you”. A beautiful, peaceful day. The most beautiful spring day so far.
Thinking this was the hardest moment she would have to live through that day; not thinking about what was to come. Two vet assistants come out, two of Buddy’s buddies; first a shot in the hip to relax him, holding him tightly her arm again wrapped around his neck and now her face wet from tears buried in the soft coat of his side still with her calm and controlled sweet voice reassuring, loving him controlling the impulse to shake all over and give in to the moment. After a few minutes they walk him to and up and in the Jimmy wear he easily lays resting his head in her lap and looking outside and sniffing the sweet spring air all around us, hearing the birds sing, feeling the breeze caressing. She looks at his sweet face into his loving and trusting dark brown eyes and all the way into his heart; she does not show the tears that are right there, she just smiles and strokes him and reaches around his neck one last time as they find the vein in the shaved spot of his right leg and begin injecting a long shot that will allow him to rest, to just fall asleep and to suffer no more, no more struggling to breathe or to walk, no more pain—just sweet memories within a peaceful sleep.
As he falls into his sleep he gently rests in her lap, her hands cradling his head as tears drop from her eyes onto him, she lays her head upon him; she wants to scream; she feels her heart beating, banging loudly within; pain filling her, overwhelming her for a moment as she lays her head upon his…she feels no heart beating within him. She has felt this before; two past memories rush back to her running through her mind; seeing images as if they were yesterday. She has felt no life where life once was as she is now. She was then laying upon her sweet Grandparents, her face wet and her entire self consumed by the pain of loss…life gone…no rise and fall and whisper of a chest breathing…only silence within…only their warmth remains…no more pain for him, yet pain is all around him…pain of loss…pain of guilt…screaming runaway pain…a pain that will forever haunt…awful pain…pain…
CHAPTER FIVE: Life Continues Under the Old Oak Tree
She couldn’t believe she was standing down in the hole dug the day before by her brother. He picked a great spot, it was a good spot, a right spot, a spot filled with wonderful life memories; a happy peaceful spot. But at that moment there was no peace only torment, she knows this was right, better to bring him home where he lived and played than to leave him in that cold lifeless place. Here there will be forever life; here he will be lasting among all memories; home under third base. Here he will be with Mom always, here is what Mom wanted, his life too precious to be left behind, Mom wanted him home. She wanted him home, too. So she steps up to do something she never thought she would do, never in a million years. But there she stood with a shovel in her hand and about waist deep in the ground.
Standing; in a cool, damp hole, smelling the wet and dark brown clay earth. The earth and soil have a wonderful smell which emulates life. She always has loved putting her hands in the soil and working it and producing beautiful life, whether it be flowers or tomatoes and cucumbers…but not today as she positioned Buddy’s bed in the bottom before laying him to rest there; all she could think of was his comfort and his warmth. She drops the gate of the red wagon and slides her hands in and under his still warm and sweet heavy body, hugging for a moment and then in one movement lifting him wrapped in that green blanket up and out and down and upon his bed. Both Mom and daughter are overwhelmed in the moment…nothing but audible tears. She quickly controls her emotion. She has a job to do and her Mom wants to help; bringing it full circle. It was good her muscles were strong and her heart even stronger. It took more than a moment for one of them to reach into the mound of soil and push some crumbling down into his resting place. Hesitation at first then into a mechanical like movement reaching first by hand and arms into the soil and pulling it forward and down around the edges first and over her feet. She knew she needed to go to the middle, so standing there for a moment looking down not believing what she was seeing or doing, she pulls herself up and out and begins pushing the heavy clay weighted soil in and upon with her shovel. Her Mom is doing the same. It was hard labor as the heavy clay soil was wet. It took time…it was like it was in slow motion; it was filling, but never really seemed to be. Always feeling like little progress was being made. By the time they were done her tears were silently mixing with the sweat falling from her body. She was dirty covered with dirt from head to toe; on her hands and under her nails and anywhere the soil could find to rest upon her. She now smelled of the earth…it was apart of her and her Mom.
They spoke quietly as they looked upon the grave where they pieced back in patches of grass and wild violets as best as they could. Nothing marked the sight other than the tree that once was third base. Suddenly she began to notice the blue sky above and the still yellow sun shining down upon them, birds singing and flying about; beautiful and fragrant flowers all around and trees swaying calmly in the warm breeze. Life was living all around them.
She placed her shovel in the wagon and her Mom used hers as a walking stick back up the hill. The walk was long and slow as they made their way back with only some small talk of the tree with the swing and Dad’s vegetable garden. Mom takes the longer flatter slower to rise section of the hill. She continues with the red wagon back along the path in which they came; and as she comes back to the Red Bud tree she sees herself as a little girl in the sun planting a vegetable garden next to it with her little red wagon nearby. Her Dad teaching her to stick her hands in the dirt and how to bring life from it. Her Mom too; she sees them clearing and planting flower gardens bringing life and beauty all around them. As she looks around taking in the evolution of the yard and time and life; reflecting in the memories…memories still living all around her; her life lived there was still living there because she was there and a part of the life lived there and will forever be along with her brothers and sister, family and friends, her dogs, cats, and ponies…there were chickens and turtles and even a duck they were all there and so too was Buddy sitting in the grass among the flowers watching and following Mom in the gardens; spending the day with her in the sunshine of life. As she looked upon the yard and the memories, she wonders of her home and life, was she doing as wonderfully as her Mom and Dad, will her children have wonderful life memories; will gardens in her yard evolve as these, will her family’s life evolve in love and heart as hers did. Her children who now play in this yard…will she give and make a good well lived life for them…she knows she could do better…she knows too everything she does is in love and to spread happiness…
She didn’t think she could feel such sadness, such heartbreak…but knows it is a part of living life—feeling…to really live life you have to feel it all. She will always remember life living and leaving on this day. She will tuck it in her heart and it will live with her as she lives. Her red wagon is always with her too. Her heart is her red wagon carrying and keeping all her memories close within her. In order to really smile and feel true happiness, you have to have experienced sadness and all a frown is…is a smile in reverse that just needs to be turned around sometimes while living our life.
The End
