I’ve recieved a few emails about this, one of which made me realize that where I am now and where I was when I wrote this goal is not necesarily the same spot. though I could not have told you why I wrote it originally other than it was something I wanted to do. I can now look back and see the draw of this.
As a young man I was taught that it was not ok to be sexual, it was not ok to be a man, and it was certianly not ok to be a sexual man. I was instilled with fear of exploring my sexuality in any way, and I took this on as myself. I am not proud of being a virgin and I become frustrated with people who think I should be. If I had chosen this after repeated temptations and opportunities I could be proud. This was chosen for me as I reacted to my paralyzing fear to the one, possibly two opportunities I have ever had in my life. I have been single since I was 15 or 16. I have had one major realtionship, and only one person that I otherwise dated in my life. There is nothing to be proud of here.
My virginity is a symbol to me of my fear and of all that I have not, until recently, been able to overcome. Somehow I felt that once I had overcome this fear, my world would change and that because I was comfortable with whom I was sexually, I would have opportunities. The fact of the matter is that no such luck has presented itself. The truth is I don’t know where to look to find anyone to even be in a relationship with. I’m not much for the bar scene and I’ve even tried the online dating thing but I’m not desperate in the same sense that I feel some people are and I find the responses I get are really on the desperate side.
Anyway now that I have explained that this is a small part of a much larger whole I leave this entry alone.
