stop comparing myself to others

Like every girl in this state (SC) looks so country club with their long blonde hair, fake tans, and waspy features and size 0 lilly pulitzer dresses…. and I was at a friggen ball game! I went under dressed to a ball game (cuz uhhh in ny everyone just wears jeans and sneakers to a game, not silk dresses and espadrilles…) I’m a blonde right now, and I sort of just blend with all the southern white chicks. I know, it’s natural to size people up?? Or is it? When I mentioned this to my mother she said she had not noticed that girls were dressed up for a baseball game. I always notice.

And I’m like obsessed at staring at girls prettier than me, and thinking things like “god she’s so f** skinny, her thighs don’t touch. Her legs are a mile long, oh where I’d be right now if I had legs that long and thin – milan, paris, fashion week… but no I’m stuck at 5’4 with thunder thighs that chafe in the summer when I wear shorts that short because they are secoia tree trunks.”

I have an addiction to self hate. How do I cure myself?

Can I stop? I’m like addicted to comparison! And I don’t think I’m better than anyone, I think I never size up. I’m like self deprecating. How can I help myself? It’s ruining my life! I always think about what ‘they have that I don’t’

Brains – beauty – longer hair – whiter teeth – blue eyes – big boobs – smaller waist – dainty feet – taller – funnier – flirty – better dancer – better body – more flexible – longer legs – more attractive nose – better face shape – higher cheekbones – cuter – richer – happier – sweeter smile – better travled – more sex appeal – nicer shape eyes – younger – just some things i wish I have. When people haves these I am JEALOUS and I HATE MYSELF!

But I don’t know why I hate myself so much. I try sooo hard to be perfect and I’m failing myself. Everyone thinks I’m attractive but me. Everyone thinks I’m funny but me. Everyone thinks I’m interesting but me. And I just think they are all lying to me. Nothing anyone can say will change me. Though I don’t like to let people in my life know I feel this way. Only my family, my best friend, and my boyfriend (who seems to take advantage of my issues) know I have such problems. But I wasn’t always like this, I don’t know what happened, I turned 19 and then 20 and now I’m just aging. Usually people grow into self-acceptance, I sort of grew out of it.

I always have conversations about if I could be bisexual or ever get with a woman (this is every mans dream but sadly I’m sorry I’m not into women this way and I wouldn’t want to exploit myself and another girl to make some guy feel like he’s a god I don’t think.)

And then they tell me I should go to a strip club, the upscale kind where the women are beautiful and not trashy. But beautiful women I tend to envy and compare myself to, not lust after and desire. It’s not fair. If I went to a strip club with beautiful naked perfect ladies that people pay a ton of money to see, and sacrifice their home relationships and marriages I would probably go home a kill myself!!!

Why can’t I stop comparing my body and seeing it as so much uglier than everyone? It would drive me crazy- I know I’d be comparing myself to their flexibility, their breasts, the skinniness, their vaginas, their wiasts, everything I would see mine as ugly. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s an age thing. I don’t know anyone my age who is that secure with them self. In general I know I’m not ugly and I don’t have too much of a distorted body image or anything but if I were to look through playboy I would not be turned on. I would just be turned off myself, and think no one will ever see me naked after seeing that naked.

I agree with Edina about other people who are critical of women – and it has an effect on me!!

I realize (after writing this) it is just a loonnnngg rant about shallow men lol!! But it was really good to get it out of my system… I feel a lot better!!!

I’m not critical until someone else critisizes me. Because I am very sensitive. I mostly compare myself to others and when most of your friends are men all they talk about are hot girls and crap, and the ‘not hot ones’ (with lopsided boobs, or jiggly butts or something) I’m thinking I need to stop hanging out with heterosexual men or their donkeyish nature will just eat at my self esteem! You’d think around a lady they’d sort of watch what they say – about other ladies… but nooo it’s always a competition when I’m out with guy friends – to find a girl with the hottest rack or the hottest face (“Her face is hot but she could lose weight/gain weight/get a boob job”)

Oh my gosh!! Men are horrible!!

My latest boyfriend is always pointing out negatives…. like “I like girls with long hair, you’d be so much prettier if you had long hair” (So where is the overnight hair growth potion when you need it?) and my skin color (which I like and I HATE when people complain about it… I kept telling myself “break up with this guy NOW!” but didn’t…) He said “Why don’t you tan?? Get a tan, you’d be so hot. Girls like to tan it is normal and you will be hot with one” And how if I eat lime more I will lose my ‘baby fat’. I ain’t no baby!! I keep telling my self I am sooo sensitive but really – I’f you tell me how I’d be hot if____ or I’m not so on and so on….. I will resent you.

Boyfriends are suppose to think we are beautiful and not point out other girls that are beautiful or hot!!

I guess naturally I like the way I look. There are things I don’t like, but I have taught myself not to focus on those negatively, and to get over my nose-loathing and tell myself eventually (with my dancing and yoga routines??_ I will have rock-hard abs but they aren’t that bad to be like “Oh my god I am an ugly beast I will never ever get naked and must starve to death or spend my college funds in liposauction….”

Sooo, I blame my insecurities on MEN and specifically my father (who is verbally abusive often and always picks on people’s weight, bodies, and superficial stuff). So I am likely to be doomed to relationships where the male is shallow superficial and verbally absuive too.

So I feel most healthy out of relationships or in them very minimally. I have a certain confidence that shows when I am out – I get positive attention!! Why do I end up with these nit-picking bozos all the time then?? I don’t ever critisize other people’s bodies… only out of spite (I will find things I don’t like about someone if they offend me – like disgusting back acne and weird ingrown facial hairs…. and seems like every man I know has these… EW!)

I take an artist’s perspective on bodies. I generally apreciate the human figure, and that a body is a body!!!