stop letting the things that dont matter irritate me, thereby jacking with my chi.

It’s been quite a long time since I have been on 43things and today on my way home I thought that this may be part of my problem. I always felt better when I could “blog” about life and my day. I got a job that I thought was my dream job and I am now in school for my Master’s in Forensic Psychology. Thing is, the dream job has worked out to be my own personal nightmare. I hate everyone there. Hate. Have you ever heard a Buddhist say hate? And the more I try to say I dont hate them or my job, the more angry and upset I get because I now am a lying buddhist on top of a bad buddhist. I like school and I am killing it, but people in my class are not so fond of me. One girl told me that I am too smart for my own good. I googled that and it was not a compliment. I understand that I am a cross between Sheldon Cooper and Spencer Reid, there is nothing I can do about that. Hell, it took me 36 years to figure out that understanding criminals and telling when people are lying is a gift, not something to be embarrassed about. At 37, I feel like I am back in the 8th grade…and these are things that should not bother me. Somewhere along the way, I misplaced Buddha. Not under the bed or the couch, not dropped at the store or left in the ladies room at the restaurant, but somewhere in me, I misplaced him and I need to stop, take a deep breath and retrace my steps so I can remember where Ive been.

Im failing at this one. Today, Im full of pain and all I want to do is go home, hide under the covers and cry. :(

I got a call from the Red Cross. I did not get the call back for the second interview because they filled the position. I was told that there would be 2 interviews and a powerpoint presentation in front of a panel. I get a call today saying they filled the position in 2 weeks? That leads me to believe that a candidate had already been chosen and they were following the law and going through the motions. Still, I think its mean that companies do that. But on the other hand, I knew they did that, I have always known they’ve done it. I was really surprised to get the call for the interview. My fault for being optimistic.
Im not going to let it get to me though, I will find something. Until then, I stay where I am because it isnt horrible here. It just sucks now there is no hoping to get that call. THE call.

I have a ford focus. Its my second one. My problem is, I broke the first rule of leasing. DONT buy a car you just leased. Why? I thought. I have had it since it read 10 miles. I have done all of the maintenance on it, oil changes, treated that car better than family. I was a social worker and there was no way I could afford a new one and if I bought this one, my payments would go down another $50. Sounds great huh? 1 month after buying it, transmission went. Thank god I had extended warranty. Back door lock is broken, trunk lock, broken, can only close it just a certain way. Radio resets itself to channel 107.7 all the time, so I just have xm radio now. Its been a good little car, but I hate it. I hate it. Yes, buddhist hates.
Yesterday, little blue car starts smelling bad and engine light comes on, starts to overheat. We look at it, hose blew. We buy another one for $10, repair it, refill with antifreeze. Today, antifreeze gone, engine light on. I go to a place I trust but they tell me they only do muffler and shocks and things like that. Diagnostic says something about air flow blockage. 14 payments. 14 f’ing payments.
Im trying to not let it get to me, but Buffalo doesnt have a mass transit. We have buses but no trains. 1 train runs from North Campus to downtown—1 straight line. A 15 minute drive becomes 50 minutes and 3 buses. AARRRGGGGGHHHHHH.
Please little car and any listening little car gods. I have done everything I can to keep you maintained and happy, please, work with me and show me just a little bit of love.

This isnt my car. My bastard child is bright blue.

Mean doctor came in yesterday and kept asking me to do all of these things that I honestly had no idea what she was talking about. I asked a few clarifying questions and she looked at me dead in the face and said “What do you even DO here?!” I looked at her and said “not that. Do you have any idea as the person in charge of this entire divison what I do do?” The doctor I work closely with came out and informed her that she was mistaken and she was asking me to do someone elses job. I told her I didnt care and I would do it but needed to ask a few questions because I had never done it before. So, I did it. No big deal.
10 minutes later she comes in and tells me there are computer problems in the conference room. The network apparently is out. FIX IT. She has a lecture in 5 minutes and cant get to her lecture on the N drive. Imagine the look on her face when I told her I could call IT and ask them to look into it. “You dont do that EITHER?” I stood up, looked at her and asked her if she felt like going to Neuro and doing brain surgery on a 3 year old today. She asked me what I was talking about. “You dont do that?” I asked her. Poor Dr. Wynn had to come out of his office again and separate us.
I put out 2 resumes today. I laughed it off, but I have a feeling thats only going to work a few more times.

One of the things I tell myself often when something large and irritating happens is “will this matter in 2 days? 2 weeks? 5 years? or even on my death bed? 99% of the time the answer is no. It seems lately I have let the little stuff irritate me. Now, I know that most of the time, this doesnt matter and wont even be REMEMBERED in the weeks and years to come, so I need to put it all back in perspective. When I look back on jobs I had growing up, most of what I remember was the vocation, such as “I was a cashier in a grocery store”, but cannot remember anything significant. This will happen with this job as well. Possibly I will remember a little more because I am working with babies and I love babies and my Division Chief being a bully, but for the most part, none of this really matters. Its time to remind myself of that again and laugh it off at the end of the day. I dont want a place I earn money to affect the place I live and dream my life.