be a better buddhist

So today I laughed at a Tosh.0 skit. Like really laughed so hard I have to admit that I teared up a bit and a woman I work with turned around and said to me “you know, you’re going to burn in your own private buddhist hell”. I just looked at her. I have had this conversation with her before; that is not funny and it is not her right to judge what I believe when she believes something totally different. She has no right to judge what I laugh at, do or say on her PERCEPTION of buddhism that she gets from tv and movies. To make it worse, she didn’t say anything to anyone else. No private jewish hell, catholic hell or muslim hell for the others who were laughing. Just me and my buddhist hell. And THEN when she found out what we were laughing at, she laughed and commented on how funny that was. Wha…
No one at work knows me. I come in, I tell some jokes and funny stories, listen to headphones and mind my business. She has no idea of the person I used to be, which honestly, was not a nice or good person. Buddhism changed my life and made me who I am today. When she walked away, the girl next to me, Jen, said “Dont listen to her. She’s a bully. She finds what makes people upset and presses on it”. Case in point, she called Jen fat one day. Just like that. Jen was talking about calorie intake and mean lady asked her why she talks about counting calories but never follows it. She’s fat and needs to stop complaining and do something about it. Then Jen reminded me, this mean woman was the same woman who told me that the reason I have a brain disorder is because I am mean because I tried to joked around with her. Its easy to be buddhist in the comfort and safety of your own home or at a retreat. It takes all that you have learned to apply it to the real world with mean people. And from there, you can make more experiences; hopefully ones you can be proud of because those will last lifetimes, women like that last until retirement or hopefully, until I find a new job.

Yes, like a puppy. Bad bad buddhist.
Today, I am convinced that karma, buddhism AND God are all jokes. They are humans way of trying to make themselves feel better about when bad things happen to them. I found out about an hour ago that the mean mean woman who ruined my dream job for me just got hired for HER dream job and gave her notice at my old place of employment. Wha… Now usually, the words “are you kidding me” has become a normal part of my life. Today it was “are you F*&#&ING KIDDING ME?!” Are you KIDDING ME?! This woman doesnt deserve good things. She does not deserve to be HAPPY.
The girl next to me in this hole of a temp job looked at me and goes “so much for karma huh”?
Yeah, so much for flipping karma.

I cancelled the meeting with the lawyer and decided that for my own mental sanity and just because I am who I am, I am just going to keep my head down, do my work and get the hell out of here. I asked for help from HR to make it through in peace until that day. No retaliation, no write ups, not threats. Just let me do my job that I have always done well and continue to look and hopefully in less than 2 months, I will be out of here. I dont have much faith that that will happen, but I know this: I am buddhist. I am the core of a good buddhist who gets better everyday. I still have anger and emotions that I cannot control sometimes and it gets the best of me. But my foundation needs to believe there is karma and one day they will get what is theirs. Of all the things in my life that could have wrecked or changed me, this job will not be honored enough to be NEAR that list.
This too will pass and I will be a better person because of it. Everything happens for a reason. I will figure it out. Until then, I am done with the drama and meanness here. The world looks brighter on my side of the hall in general, I will not let them take that from me.

can you be a good buddhist while suing someone? Probably not. Anger fills me. I spent all last night trying to get back in touch with what I love about Buddhism, tried to calm my mind. Nothing is working. When someone takes everything you have worked for away for no reason other than they can, its hard to buddhist, much less anything. I will try to work on this one while I continue to sort out what needs to be done and seek guidance, but I am angry. Angry of what could of been, what should have been, what was taken away. How much easier life would have been for my family with a happier person because I now found a job that let me be who I know I can be as an employee AND paid me $14,000 more.
I will keep working, but now I cant. Now I just need to let the anger flow. Not even buddhism can help that.

I know this is something that I will have to work on forever, some days harder than others. Its been about 11 years and I have been getting better, but honestly, I feel like I would have to go another 11 to get about halfway where I want to be. People who can go to month long meditation retreats and give up life for a year to go to Tibet are amazing to me. There is no way I could unless of course I didnt care about responsibility; working, paying my bills, etc. Then, what kind of buddhist would I be?
I guess this goal is for me to remind myself how far I have come now and again, along with how far I have to go.