fix my relationship

My honey is pretty upset at his parents but won’t talk about it much. I’m pretty worried about him, but we talked during his lunch break, and it sounds to me like he has a definate plan about it all. We’re gonna get through the holidays, but then he will broach the subject with his parents. I just want to know when because I want to be there to pick up his little pieces if they are horrible to him. I could never imagine what it would be like to have your family betray you like that.

So we talked about how next year is coming up – with so many really good things. We’re buying a house, we have new classes and I’m gonna be graduating in May, we’re also getting married sometime in the summer. I’m so excited about the new year! I told him though, the old year is not over yet, let’s not give it up for dead….let’s make the rest of this year awesome.

I have been a total jerk this weekend, and I’m hoping that somehow my honey will forgive me if I bake some cookies and play Christmas music and buzz around like a happy little bee for him.

Things have been pretty good lately, we resolved a lot of stuff from the last big fight we had. I think it may have opened some doors in both of us. This peace is pretty scary. We both have really crazy stuff happening to us. I just hope we can do it together and rely on each other.

My lover and I went yesterday to a place that was special to me as a child. It was an effort to get us back on track and less emotionally wounded. Well, it worked, but not in the way we thought it would. We ended up having a huge fight there. We got to the actual fort and I mentioned that it was a rebuilt replica because they weren’t sure where the actual fort was. He was disappointed and said that he thought it would actually be something. So I was like, what do you mean. And he said there is nothing here. I was really upset by this because I felt that it wasn’t good enough, I had wasted his time by taking him out there. I didn’t get mad though, I was just hurt and I started crying. He asked what was wrong and I said nothing. I was too upset to really explain myself. He started to get mad at me, so I walked away and said, Let’s go home. He wouldn’t follow me so I just kept walking while I was crying. He eventually followed, but he was really mad. We were on this nature trail to get back. Apparently he didn’t mean to make me feel like it wasn’t fun and important going out there. But the way he treated me when all that I did was cry was horrible. We eventually worked it out. It was hard, but we sort of had to. Neither of us believe in giving up on relationships. But he knows that he can’t react to my pain like that. I know he feels guilty, but it isn’t gonna make anything better to hurt me more. Well, anyways, today has been good, except that I have a lot of studying to do…

My lover is trying, but I was in a bad mood last night. I really felt bad having to take my hermit crabs back to the petshop. So much death around me just keeps upsetting me more.

I got over it and apologized and we had an ok night. I watched him play doom 3, which is cool because I love doom, but it isn’t high on the spend time together level.

When I went to bed he laid down with me, that’s our nightly ritual. We were talking and he said something about my legs being hairy. I honestly resent the way he cares about stupid shit like that. It isn’t like I’m being dirty by not shaving my legs. I do it at least twice a week. I just think it is stupid. It is stupid to try to make yourself different from how you really are to be attractive. God gave me hair on my legs for a reason. Who knows if I’m totally affronting him by trying to take it off?

Ok, well, I guess the point is that he once again in one little statement decided to disapprove of me. To cut me down and make me feel not good enough for him because of some stupid hair. He said that it pokes him and it gets in the way of our closeness when I told him it wasn’t like it was being unsanitary. Let me explain here that he complains about my stubble the day after I shave.

I’m so sick and tired of being rejected and disapproved of. It isn’t the job of your lover to constantly tell you how to live your life. I never complain that he eats bad when I try to diet. I don’t complain that he could shave on his days off. Try being poked by hair on your face. It sucks way worse than on your legs. I don’t tell him how to live his life and I’m sick of being told how to live mine.

If he loves me, then he should accept me for who I am, regardless if I get hairy, fat or wrinkly. Love makes you blind to those things, at least real love does. It should be about who I am on the inside not the outside. He even finds things to nitpick about the me on the inside. I’m so tired of this, but everytime I try to leave he freaks out. I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t even want to leave him. I love him. I just think that his behavior is practically abuse and I don’t deserve to be abused.

This isn’t just my lover’s fault, but mine too.

I have hurt him completely and he has hurt me completely. We haven’t cheated or anything drastic. We just both have bad self esteem and a hard time dealing with the world’s challenges. My dad died and I guess that whenever I think about my dad or my past divorce, I start trying to fix our relationship. Things may not always be perfect, but that doesn’t mean they are horrible and I should learn to just let things slide more. I shouldn’t freak out over every little thing.

On the other hand, he doesn’t know how to deal with stress or life not being what he wants. Instead of trying to figure out what he wants and how to get it, he just gets pissed and upset and broods for an indeterminate amount of time in which anything I say or do is met with, impatience, disapproval and distance.

The worst part is how we are both hurt and cynical when it comes to anything that has to do with the relationship. Including each other. I love this man with all my heart and I don’t wanna lose him. I don’t know where we go from here or how to fix this. I don’t want it to be fixed for just a few days but for the rest of our lives. We both deserve to be loved way more than this.

The first thing I’m gonna do is read and work through the self esteem book my therapist gave me. I’m also gonna reassure my boyfriend that I’m not gonna give up without a fight…that he can count on me to try my hardest to make this right.