get over my dads death \

I watched a movie for extra credit in my psychology class. It was called Bella. It was sort of prolife, which is ok, I don’t really care one way or another cause I’m not God and have no way of knowing what is right in this sort of situation, only what is right for me.

The guy in the movie kept having flashbacks about an accident he had when he was younger. He ran into a little girl and killed her. I was struck at his flashbacks, because I have done that before about my Dad. I have had times when I would just stop and replay thinks in my head. They are so vivid and powerful that it can be hard to get over the feelings that these flashbacks invoke. But I feel like I do. I do get over them. I do feel better, eventually I probably won’t have them anymore.

I still have yet to read the self esteem book that my therapist gave me. I just keep trying really hard to get throughmy classes. I really want straight A’s this term. I don’t know if that is a pipe dream at this point, but I want to be able to tell myself that for once I didn’t let life get in the way of my goals, that I love myself enough and know I deserve my goals.

I keep thinking that everything is ok and that I am moving on, when suddenly I will remember that I no longer have a father. That all those dreams of happiness are buried in the ground in the back of a cemetery in Arlington. What kills me is that I didn’t even know I had these hopes and dreams until they were taken away from me. I couldn’t feel the weight of them until I could no longer stand. I don’t even know how that could happen, but apparently you can hope for things subconciously.

I can smile more, but so much seems hollow. I don’t really want to hang out with people anymore. I mean, I do, but I just have no time. I’m just tired too much and everything in my life is suffering. I know this is getting better slowly but surely. I’m just terrified that everything in my life that I care about is gonna completely get screwed up beyond return before I do feel better. Number one on that list is my relationship. I need to be 100% for my boyfriend and to be ok. I never realized how much permanently losing my father would screw up every single aspect of my life. I certainly never thought it would touch my relationship with my fiance. We were gonna get married at the end of March, and now we have no idea when we are gonna get married. If we are going to get married. If we are gonna even stay together. I love him so much. I’m totally lost and I just need to know what I need to do to fix everything. I feel like I’m losing everything.

I wrote a huge post, but it was not posted and lost to the air.

My dad died on September 30th, 2007. It was at 6:30pm. Ihave been really upset about it, but I at least don’t feel like it was my fault so much anymore. Taking him off the respirator was the only thing that was right. I wanted to be selfish and try to keep him around, but my childish hope of some sort of miracle happening was only gonna cause him more pain.

I have a lot of unresolved issues with my Dad, he was an alchoholic, he was never around very much and he molested me when I was really young. I forgave him and I told him that before he died. I’m not sure if he could hear me, but I knew I had to at least tell him. I love him so much and I never really stopped loving him. I just needed to have some peace in my life. Everytime I saw him I would just be a mess for months on end and it was ruining my life. I promised him that I would learn to love myself, so that I could completely love my kids with everything that I know he would have given me if he had loved himself.

It is hard to feel good again, but I am trying. It is crazy when you realize that there is nothing you can do to negotiate and get your way. There is no negotiating with death. There is nothing in life that we can control except our own actions. That causes me so much grief because I guess I try to keep control over all of the situations in my life because of the molestation.

I miss my Dad. When times were good, they were really good. I wish there had been more good times. It is crazy to see all of the pictures from when I was a baby. Everyone seemed so happy, even him. But you can see the slow progression of pain and defeat. He was very physically and mentally addicted to alcohol. He would hallucinate, shake and be unable to sleep without it. He once went 5 days without sleep when he was with my mom. I feel bad for him. He was raped repeatedly as a kid. I know he loved me, and I don’t think that he even remembered what he did to me. I am glad for that and I hope he never has to remember…even in heaven. I wouldn’t wish anymore pain on this man whose whole life was nothing but pain.

I was there when he died, it was horrible. I had to be there though. I wanted him to know I was there and loved him and that he was going to be ok. When he was gone, I cried so hard. I was screaming about how I wanted my fucking Daddy and how nothing was ever gonna be ok, how it never had been and never would be. Everyone made me calm down, but I couldn’t cry much in front of other people after that. Everyone always wants you to stop crying but they also say you have to let it out.

I know I’m doing better than I was at first, but I still have a bit to go on this goal.