tell myself little stories to make myself laugh

Once upon a time in a nasty, unfriendly environment – molecules wildly careened about, colliding recklessly into other molecules. Then one day two molecules collided and – spwloop – they bonded. Then two more (spwloop), and soon all the molecules were doing it (spwloop, spwloop, spwloop…). One thing lead to another and soon it wasn’t just two molecules bonding (spwloop), but groups of them. It became a bondage bonding orgy. Suddenly organic molecules appeared and the evolution continued until life (as we know it) emerged and we could have orgies (as we know them today).
And that is why orgies are a positive force in the world.

P.S. ‘spwloop’ is the sound of two molecules bonding. The sound is no longer associated with orgies (at least not to my knowledge).

Yes, a piece of fruit – yet somehow, I can type – odd.
I am yellow and sweet and, well I was going to say juicy, but that’s just weird.

The End

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

As I shook some salt on my food yesterday, the grains started talking. One said “oh boy, my goal in life will soon be realized. Once consumed, I will take part in neuronal signalling.” Another said “I will help maintain muscle function”. And so the conversation went. Until a voice piped up saying “Well I will have none of this. I will escape and I will dress in drag and sing songs all day and into the night. I might even have a shot of Jagermeister!” There was much laughter, but after it had subsided, we noticed one little grain of salt was missing!!!

Now for the shocking revalation: This Never Happened! I did not communicate with any salt yesterday. In fact, I didn’t even use salt yesterday.

Aliens abducted me and probed my body and brain. Due to their actions I have become slothful and retarded. I no longer have the capacity to use my frontal cortex – I survive with little more than my brainstem. Even if I had an IQ, I would be unable to use it because I now love sloth more than life. These newly developed attributes have profound repercussions, including extreme interference with meeting deadlines.
Wait…wait….It wasn’t aliens – it was all those undergrad papers I’ve been marking – they’ve devoured me. Oh woe.

I was walking home last night and on the path, there were earthworms everywhere. It was impossible to avoid them all. I can still hear their screams – or is that me? Yes that must be it – when I scream silently in my head, it’s smaller and more distant – like an earthworm.