forgive my mom

I felt sad this weekend – the sadness of loss – that I never had the mother I needed and it seemed like so many other people were celebrating their mothers. I know it’s better for me – at least, right now – to keep my distance. It just hurts.

She’s coming to stay with me! I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with this. She invited herself after telling me that I am inhospitable, should hire a cleaning service and implying that am not wealthy enough. I don’t know why she wants to come here. She’ll bring all of her expectations and criticisms – nothing will be good enough. She’ll be here when I am scrambling to finish my thesis. And she’ll sulk because I’m working on my thesis and not doing whatever she wants.

I need to find a way to lift this weight before it smothers me.

Well, I haven’t forgiven her everything, but recently had a conversation with her in which she was pretty mean – yet I was able to be less affected. I could see her as a hurting person and it hurt me less to be treated badly. Nonetheless, I am moving away from her – she is not good to be around. I think that might count as the beginning of forgiveness, and at the same time, I’m taking care of me a little. Golly this is hard.

Part of me doesn’t want to do this – part of me wants to hate her forever, but I know that it’s just hurting me more to continue this. I’ve only recently realized/acknowledged how angry I feel that she hurt me and continues to do so.

Now I will vent for a moment:
According to her, nothing I am is enough. It never has been. I don’t dress properly, converse properly, cook properly, clean properly, make the right choices. She needs and always has needed me to be responsible for her emotional well-being and I could never do it. She has a desperate need to be taken care of – to be loved. I don’t want to try any more. I cannot be who I am with her. It is – I am – unacceptable to her. If I disagree with anything, I am the one with the problem – she is never responsible for anything. Her actions and thoughts and beliefs are always right. If I go against them, I am wrong and bad. She can say the most hurtful things – not just to me, and she says it’s someone else’s problem for interpreting wrongly. She tries to get people to take sides when it suits her. She smothers me. I have no voice. I have no me. Okay, now I’m finished venting – I just needed to get that out – I’ve never been allowed to be angry.

How do I let go of the pain? How do I learn that I am good enough? That her behaviour is a result of her own pain? How do I have compassion for someone who hurt me?