be more aware

I need to get out of my imaginary world – the place where I am everything I had always hoped. Where I create people who are everything I need. But I keep going back to it and it stops me from moving. I see it when it starts, but I need it so badly I feel like I can’t stop. And I’m still stuck.

How do I become aware when I am not. Every day, I convince myself that I am still on this self-awareness path – I believe it. I believe that I’m being truthful, but then I have moments of insight and I see all of the things I have been hiding – all of the pretending is right there in front of me. And I feel it all.

Why is it so easy to see other people’s motivations, but so easy to be unaware of my own? What is it that clouds my view of me? What value is there in this ability? What adaptive value does it have – it must have some, right? I don’t get it (well, sometimes I get it) and I need to if I’m going to change my approach to life.

I am aware that I am procrastinating – and I fully understand that the repercussions of this will bite me in the bottom. So why am I doing it? I want this finished, I want to move on, I want to be over the stress of it. But, I also don’t want to know that I suck and so I pretend it doesn’t exist and distract myself from the anxiety that this induces. It’s not what I want damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am slowly becoming more aware of the way I’ve shaped my experience of the world.
To do:
I really want to work on not accepting others’ opinion as worth more than my own. They aren’t living my life, I am (or hope to be). This means being aware and recognizing when I begin to do this.
I want to be consistently aware that what I’m feeling doesn’t necessarily reflect reality.
I want to believe, not just know that I am in charge of who I am and how I feel and how I react.
I want to accept myself, the world, other people – not place my expectations or judgements on them. I’ve experienced some of this before (driving across Canada alone) and it was so freeing.

If I can do even some of this even a little bit – I feel like I might find a little peace.