I think I might be successfully thwarting the impulse I normally have. Thwarting isn’t really what it feels like, it’s just a great word. Anyway, normally I’d be much more full of negative judgements on myself because I was tired and really didn’t seem to be able to pull myself out of the cognitive fog. But I just don’t seem to want to – it seems like so much effort to be mean to myself. Odd. And good.
Tsill has written 10 entries about this goal
I spent most of yesterday using avoidant strategies to get around working on something important to me and ended up feeling anxious because I didn’t accomplish what I wanted. While this was not very compassionate, behaviour, my plan today is to try to recognize the avoidant tendencies before they swallow me whole, so I can quash them and focus on my stuff (= compassion). SO THERE! Yeah – that’s right – I don’t need to fill myself full of bullshit living. Stuff it! You rubbishy avoidancy crap!
It worked before…but then I let it drop and now I’m almost, but not entirely where I left off. Gonna have to jump off the deep end and see if I swim. Good luck to me!
I’m on a tight schedule to finish my thesis and suddenly last week had computer problems (turns out it was a damaged cable), so the study came to a grinding halt. I was anxious, but not so freaked out I could barely function (as would have been the case previously). I lost two participants due to time constraints and have to find replacements. Even this is not making me lose it. Although, I don’t know how I’ll manage to find people – i’ve exhausted all of the resources I can think of.
Anyway, I’m proud of me. :)
I was chatting with someone the other day about yawning – she suggested that suppressing it is not healthy – let it out. I didn’t. Then she said it is okay to yawn here – you are accepted – or something like that. I felt a huge well of sadness threatening to overcome me and immediately went to work on suppressing it (unhealthy?!?). Strange how someone’s kindness can do that. I guess acceptance isn’t something that I expect or know how to deal with.
I don’t feel very compassionate towards myself lately – I kinda feel the opposite. I’ve tried to focus on being kind to myself – I feel like I’m failing. There are some things that I could do to make myself feel better but I’m afraid to do them, so I feel like telling myself to suck it up princess – which isn’t really helping (go figure).
I waste a lot of time (and energy and life) thinking (I should probably say obsessing) about stuff. It can be somewhat paralyzing and definitely anxiety-inducing to constantly assess how others perceive me and I’m tired of it. The running commentary in my brain never shuts up – stuff like they thought I was stupid or boring or didn’t know enough or did it wrong or are faking it or I’m not interested enough, blah, blah, blech! Even when I am told that I did well – like at my prospectus defense – I’ve spent the last 3 weeks freaking out about it. Why??? They all said I did well and it passed with no changes. Who gives a flying hootenanny? Why do I do this? Well, I know why, but I feel like exclaiming in exasperation. POOOOOOPPPP!
So – in keeping with this goal, I decided that to celebrate my successful prospectus defense and to try to train myself to believe in me – I rewarded myself (with aventurine and a few other bits of loveliness). Because rewards aren’t given to people who don’t rock in some fashion (that’s child logic, I think). So now I can play and make stuff – yippeee!
Do it – you know you want to!
My first thought on this: Aaaaargh – what is this doing here?
Okay, here goes – I just gave myself a hug because who hugs themself if they don’t love themself? Cheesy, perhaps, but it was kinda okay – alright, good.
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