Stop cutting

It’s been going pretty good lately. My arm is healing well, and my doctor didn’t notice the scars on my arm. I’m also doing a report on self-injury. It’s weird to hear all these things about it from people who have no idea what it’s like. I also found out one of my friends used to cut. I hate hearing what people think about sefinjurers though. I asked one of my friends and she said it was stupid. I asked anoher friend and she said anyone who self-injures is going to hell. It’s hard that the people saying this are some of my closest friends. I wish people understood.

UGH! Today was horrible. So let’s start from the beginning. Wake up a couple of minutes late, and still tired. Then I walk to school. I get to school, and hang out outside with my friends. Then I start chasing my friend Nathan. About 5 minutes later, I realized my iPod was no longer in my pocket. I start freaking out, and look everywhere, and it’s nowhere to be seen. I wait a bit go to the office, and no one had turned it in, so they made an announcement to the school (it only has like 200 kids). I get worried. I go to gym class, and ask if I can use the bathroom. I go to the bathroom and cut my arm more than I ever have before, and it was the bloodiest it’s ever been. I walk back to gym class, and my principal stops me to give me my iPod back. So then gym class. It was like usual. Fun and hard. We are allowed to go to 7-11, so me and my friend Han went. I got a DIET coke and a salad with grilled chicken. I get yelled at because I’d gotten soda. IT”S FRIGGEN DIET! Then math. I failed the practice exam. Boo-hoo, oh well. Then Humanities. Fun, but boring. Oh joy. Then go home (my friends decided to walk to Ruggles and basically ditch me). I walked home alone. Took the train alone. Get home, and take a shower. Clean off my arm. Go on school website, to look at pictures. Then I realize the picture from when I went to Thompson’s Island are on there. I see pictures of Michael (read previous entry to understand). I almost cry. Okay, enough with the short sentences, now I’m ready to talk.

I want to cut my arm all over again. I can’t deal with seeing those pictures. It’s driving me crazy, even though it’s been a month since Thompson’s Island (T.I). I really can’t deal with this. I feel like dying. I just want to runaway from my problems. Leave my town, and just go away with someone. I want to not feel my emotions. I want to runaway with someone. I want to hug someone who understands the pain I’m going through. I want to talk to someone who S.I’s and be able to talk about how we both feel, and have someone understand what I’m going through. Most of all, I want to see Michael. I know, so pathetic. I don’t know why though. This feeling is still driving me crazy. I want to cry and laugh at the same time. I miss T.I and the memories so much.

Before I get into that. I should let you all know a little background. Ok, so I bought a brand new X-Acto 11 razor with my Mom last Sunday (she has no idea I slipped it in), and I bought it the day before I went on a trip to Thompson’s Island for the week. Thompson’s Island is an island a mile away from the Boston Harbor and is an amazing place to go. I don’t want to bore you all with telling you about my trip (although, I’d love to!) but let’s just say it’s something I’ll NEVER forget it was that amazing. Ok, so on Monday we first got their and my first day there was horrible. The second day we had to rock-climb, and I failed at it so I cut a huge F into my thigh. So any who, I lost my only 2 razors on Wednesday, but I didn’t need them after Tuesday. Now that you have the basics I’ll explain my title. Okay, so while there I had two counselors Mike & Alexandria. Alexandria was kind to me, and I felt like I could open up to her. I miss her, but not as much as Mike. So now you know, I like Mike. Alright, so basically he was sweet, considerate, and actually cared about what I thought and felt. So like I did things just so that he’d talk to me, like act hurt or scared. I mean, I care about him so much, and I want to e-mail or call him because he gave everyone his e-mail, but didn’t mention anything about further contact. All I know is that he gave me the longest hug out of everyone when I left, and said such sweet things like how I’m beautiful on the inside and out. The thing is, I believe he actually meant it and didn’t just say it because of his job. So I know what you’re thinking “ew gross, he must be like 50 and old” actually, I don’t think he’s over 25, but he looks really young. I don’t know why I feel this way, it’s like something I’ve never felt before. So I cut his initials M.D (Mike DeLuca) onto my thigh, so I never forget him. Below is a picture of it. I don’t know what to do though, any suggestions?

P.S Just so you know, I’m not what’s considered a “deep cutter” so that’s why the cut seems so shallow

2 months and 4 days. Thats how long it was before I cut tonight. I was doing so well. I cut the letters N.B into my thigh. I think I did it because of soethign I found out. First off, I found out my friend put a knife up to someone to get their homework and got arrested because of it. Then, I found out his dad rev bell got shot at. I loved him, because he was so amazingly nice to me. This isn’t the end though. I’m going to start over, even though it felt good to ct again.

Wow, 20 days as of today. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. Should I be happy? I have had the strongest urges though. I know that until my physical in August though, I need to keep my body cut-free. Now, all I need is a good cover-up for my scars. Ugh, my arms feel so weird. It’s weird not to feel the fresh cuts. I just can’t wait until that doctors appointment.

Whether I stop cutting for months or days, I’ve decided that I’m always going to make sure that the word BAD is on my arm it least for the next year. I’ve carved that word in my arm for the last few months in the same place, and I think I need to know it’s there. It has way too much significance. I don’t know if that means I’ll never be able to complete this goal or not. I usually carve it in once a month, to make sure I can still see it. I think until I can really forget about my old school it should stay there. It’s pretty noticeable, but it makes me remember how horrible this past year has been, and I can’t let go of my past. Does that sound pretty weird? I don’t know what to do.

UGH! I was doing do well! It would’ve been 13 days as of tonight, but I slipped. I’ve been having really bad “urges” the last few days, and almost gave in but tonight just made me blow up. I had my two closest friends in the world over for a sleepover annd we were playing “Truth, Dare, or Would you Rather” and I almost told them about my cutting. She thought I’d said Truth instead of Would you Rather and asked me what my biggest secret is, and my self-injuring is. I know if I’d told her though they would’ve been freaked. I’m glad I said Would you Rather.

Today has been horrible, and I’ve cried it least twice, so I think that’s why I cut. I feel like such a failure. I was trying my hardest to stop, so that at my new school I ca get rid of that rumor. I mean imagine being at orientation with 30 other kids during the summer, and having to wear long sleeves in 90-degree weather because you don’t want people to see your arms. I cut on my thighs though, so luckily nobody will see. I just wish I’d met somebody there who understood how I feel. Someone who felt like at night they wish that in the morning, they didn’t live to see it. If only someone knew how I felt. A white pillow, blue feeling, and bloody red X’s on my thighs. Happy Fourth of July.

I’m doing pretty well. I haven’t cut since Thursday, which is good for me.

Thursday school ended which was really depressing to me. Some girls invited me to skip the last day, but at the last minute they changed their minds. I had my last class, which is where my only true friends are; I already miss them so much. I didn’t get to talk to Bill though, which makes me extremely upset. I saw him too, but I just couldn’t talk too him. I didn’t get my revenge, oh well. Surprisingly I went to the movies afterward with an old friend, and it was nice until she ditched me. After the movies we took the train home and she saw my arm and asked, but I just said it was nothing and she didn’t say anything more.

On Friday I had to go this doctor’s house with my Dad, because they’re testing me for ADD. He had me fill out this thing and some of the questions were “do you purposely hurt your self or think about suicide” do they seriously think somebody is going to be stupid enough to put “yes” down? The guy gives me the creeps though. I feel like he’s about to attack me. I have to go there alone tomorrow for a second visit, and I’m really worried. My Dad’s working so he can’t take me, but this guy REALLY creeps me out, and I usually have a good intuition about things. Ugh, I don’t know what to do.

Ugh, right now I feel like cutting, but instead I’m going to tell you guys why I feel like cutting until I feel better. All right here it goes:
Okay, so earlier this year this kid from my HR last year Bill was put in my Hr this year and at first I was upset about it, but then we got to talking and we became best friends. So around X-mas I told him that he had to talk to everyone from HR last year and there was only one kid left to talk to, let’s call him Barney. So since it was X-mas I was giving out candy canes to everyone so I told Bill that he should give one to Barney so that way I’ll stop bugging him about it. So he does, but he says that the candy cane was from me. I started flipping out thinking that Barney would think I liked him, which would be really awkward since we have classes together, but luckily Bill fixed it. Okay, so after X-mas break I got into a huge fight with my friends Alice + Ann, so they were now going to try to ruin my life. Okay, so Bill was trying to become popular so he began talking to this kid Rayray who was friends with Alice who also happened to hate me before the fight. So Bill told Rayray about the incident, Rayray told Alice, and then the candy cane thing turned into me liking Barney. Bill said because of what Rayray did, he’d never talk to him after that. The whole school knew about it, but Alice would use any excuse to bug me about it. I wasn’t really mad at Bill about it, but around that time was when I decided to transfer schools. Bill really wanted me to stay, so I had to stop talking to him so he wouldn’t miss me, and all I had to do was come up with an excuse and then destiny spoke. We were playing this game called Zap and he had to ask this girl out before a certain time, and I said if he didn’t, since I take the game so seriously I could never talk to him again (lame excuse I know but it worked). We haven’t talked since. When I got the official acceptance letter to my new school, I thought I should talk to him now so that way we could get close again but then I found out he was talking to Rayray, which made me really upset. I was just thinking about all the fun times we had with each other, and it made me really depressed. I just wish none of this had ever happened. I think the last day of school, I’ll give him a hug and tell him the real reason I stopped talking to him.

Why do people have to point out my cutting? It’s none of their business! Okay, so since I’m transferring I don’t really care if people know that I cut, but someone really embarrassed me today. Okay, so I was on the T riding home with my sleeves pulled up and my friend Amanda asked me for $1 so I was getting it and she looks at my arm and starts yelling “Why the hell do you cut yourself?” And i was like “I fell out of a tree” and then she said “that’s a lie Michael uses that excuse” (Michael’s my friends who cut, and I forgot he taught me that excuse) so I made up all these excuses, but it was so mortifying. This random girl was like “that looks like cuts” and we ended up talking about other stuff, and it turns out we have some of the same teachers. I wish Amanda hadn’t done that. Doesn’t she understand that yelling it and pointing it out is not going to make me stop, but make me want to cut more? I just don’t get people. Apparently though, the girl was telling me their are rumors that I cut going around the school. I don’t care anymore though, except I wish people would just understand.