develop my spirituality

My next move has been to figure out what kind of theist I am. In the years that I considered myself a practicing pagan, with this conundrum I considered polytheistic varieties like Henotheism and Monolatrism, but felt that there was more of a unifying affect in one multi-faceted concept of a deity.

Through my sibling’s philosophy class that he took and his tendency to talk about what he was learning with me at the time and through my own philosophy class I learned about a suite of terms to describe the kind of beliefs one has within a particular religion or path. Ex: monotheistic, polytheistic, monistic, henotheistic, etc. At one point a few years back my brother mentioned that he liked what he’d been reading about Taoism and Pantheism. Particularly stating that he was a Naturalistic Pantheist. I believed he might of hit on something that was close to what we grew up with, but that had some kind of substance to it.

I’ve known that I’m not a deist and didn’t much care for the sound of Pandeism either and I’ve known for years that I’m a Non-dualist and a Monist. I’ve had it pared down to Classical Pantheism and Panentheism. Perhaps a continuum of an agnostic split only with a question of free will vs. fate. A lot of people within both classical pantheism and panentheism vary on this belief. Many theories based on inter-connectedness give the metaphor of being a cell on a human body (or similar “one puzzle piece in an entire puzzle” sayings) as a cell you have the choice to do whatever you want within the confines of your abilities as a cell, both benign and malignant choices, but as a cell you never really quite comprehend the larger picture or body of which you are a part. I like these metaphors quite a bit, but they don’t always stick.
My other split is seeing a deity as either female or male. As a Jungian feminist I realize each exist within one and similarly like the free will vs. fate they each interact with one another, but again it’s not quite sticking.

I realize that they aren’t sticking because of my own splits between free will and fate (I don’t do the things I should and try the things I can’t) and my own relationship to my inner feminine and animus. However from witnessing the lessons and goals of the spiritual people around me I believe these are mine and wish to aim my personal development to fit those of my spiritual beliefs.

It would turn out nicely that both Classical Pantheism and Panentheism fit into many paths and particular sects of the worlds religions and spiritual ways. There is Classical Pantheism in Taoism, Hinduism, Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism and Neo-paganism. There is Panentheism in Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Bahá’í Faith and Hinduism.

I think this diverse element adds to the richness, depth and meaning to the seeker on this path. I get to explore with a much higher occurrence rate of agree-ability, I get to celebrate more holidays with more fervor, I imagine there to be more symbols, design elements and pictures accordingly and I’m pretty sure they all share having the same morals, values and an interest in alleviating life challenges. I think I’ll probably have some favorites when seeking out a particular quality though.

In learning where these two viewpoints would land in the world’s spiritual paths, for me there seems to be more adaptability in my learning style with Classical Pantheism and where it would actively mesh with a belief system. So Panentheism and it’s doors go on a shelf in my head until I’m ready to dive deeper.

For now there are classical pantheists in Unitarian Universalism and I’ve been seeing how a Taoist group has been fitting for me.

As the spiritually open-minded and curious could tell you, when you exhibit such qualities you get a lot of suggestions tossed your way. Of course an outlet is usually a friend and one of these well-meaning friends wanted to share a book with me. “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren. I’m not sure if she expected that I would dissect it, take what I liked and leave the rest. In fact I’m unsure of her expectations altogether, so I halted it for a while.

I took off and checked out the Unitarian Universalist church. While standing in line to sign the membership book I thought bitterly about the amount of religious ignorance I felt I had always struggled with and that this gnawing emptiness outweighed any nervousness I felt in committing myself to something. I wondered, doubted and hoped that a community was what I needed and that this one was as welcoming as they seemed. The membership class had us separate into groups that mimicked our previous religious background. I placed myself in the Others group or religious minority. There was an Atheist, two Seventh Day Adventists, a couple of UUs, and me and two others were Agnostics. We were to go around and answer two questions: “What did you like about your religion growing up and what are you now leaving?” This question actually spawned the last few entries on here.

Then we went back to our seats and shared a little about what we talked about in our groups. So many people were escaping There was a recently escaped Baptist in tears talking about he felt he had just betrayed “family members” They all talked about how they hated the brainwashing. I had known a lot about religious propaganda, the shame and guilt that some feel in some religions, but people went into detail. Detail that I had never heard nor experienced and I think it was important for me to hear it. A lot of them said that they liked the sense of community and the music.

It was here that I understood what I wanted. I thought people gained a sense of community through living in towns together or going to schools together. I had never understood the concept of a group of people who held similar values whereby each person feels a sense of belonging to a group of people who are supportive. It was here where my new minister asked me about the family I grew up in as a child. I went home to cry and I think I went back once or twice but realized that going to church required getting up early and accepted my excuse. I kept the possibility around of attending a UU church in my head for the future should I decide to go again.
It felt like I could grow there. They explained that they don’t have rules and they won’t give me the answers, but they could provide me the environment to find them. They value: Reason more than Revelation, Enlightenment more than salvation, Freedom more than oppression, God/Jesus more than Lord/Christ (patriarchy-traditional images of God), History is tragic not melodramatic and that God is a symbol that is complex and various-all encompassing.

Furthermore I had found another church to keep on the back burner. The Whole Life Church of Religious Science (not to be confused with christian science) is basically Panentheistic and based off of the work of Ernest Holmes. In the meantime I’ve been hoping to find my need for a surrogate family elsewhere.

In my early twenties through the stereotypical spiritual awakening through painful times in one’s life I came to realize that my beliefs were more than just a multitude of eclectic paganism with small interests in Buddhism. I’ve started to believe that a higher power is a consistent important part of my life that is not something I think about or feel, but can sense in an instinct that I’ve finally accepted. Whether it be God, or Goddess or both-I don’t really care. I’ve just wanted to get to know it in the ways that my peers have seemed to automatically understand.

I struggle in seeing myself as still pagan while at the same time being theistic and so do other people, but it still fits. There is no consistent image of a deity in paganism. Well there might be in some random sect that I’m forgetting about, but in general, no rule states it. I still believe in energy, miss rituals in my life and celebrate the esbats and sabbats and still find connections with pagans.

In an interesting way experiencing fundamentalists (or really any group of zealots) of all types along the scale whether they be Judeo-Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, Pagan, seems to be a benchmark on the path of the seeker. One that often leaves an individual with a conundrum: you want to experience all that a path has to offer, you want every moral and ethical standard the sect believes to scream “yes” in every fiber of your being, you want to be admired for your dedication, you want it to be meaningful, fulfilling, satisfying and something that cradles your soul with purpose, but at what point does someone or a group of people get carried away? At what point is it not really a religion, a spirituality or a way of life, but a set of rules or guidelines that cut off the oxygen in the air, the outside world and practically dominates your entire life? At what point do your beliefs-religious and even definitely atheistic, philosophical or other non-religious beliefs are held so close in deep convictions that you’ve become an automation in your existence? At what point do religious/spiritual (especially for some reason) beliefs or otherwise become an addiction?

I bristle at being called stupid or wrong when I talk about my beliefs and am still thoroughly annoyed every time someone challenges my beliefs, yet if it’s done right, I need it. To be questioned that is. If the person does it in a respectful, curious, open-minded way. Perhaps I never would of came to some of my conclusions if someone hadn’t questioned me. It’s thrown open the doors of uncertainty, yet a spiritual uncertainty that people have been trying to get me understand for years that in all honesty I still don’t get or even like. I’m well aware of the fact that this Taoist principle was even ironically present throughout my upbringing but I feel bitter, somewhat resentful about it and not quite ready to give in yet.

I still want to read more about Buddhism (particularly The Middle Path) and more in Monistic beliefs specifically Panentheism and Pantheism. Somewhere along the way I”m going to need more courage to say that you can’t label me into a sect of religion or spirituality.

No longer than five years ago as I told a friend about the beliefs my family had growing up they said: “oh okay, so you were raised agnostic” I didn’t know there was a name. They looked at me and then said: “Agnosticism is usually one of those brief rest stops on the journey. I can’t imagine growing up in such a purgatory-like environment.”

My parents had both been raised Methodist, hung onto parts of it, but they were bitter. They held the belief that it was up to their children to someday choose whatever religion they wanted. I don’t quite know how either parent explained proselytization to child, but my brother and I had a good understanding of what it was. I soon understood what “hell” was, because apparently I was going there. I quickly gained and quickly lost friends who wanted to save my soul. The other kids and other people didn’t like me for what I told them when they asked what religion I was. At first I told them that I didn’t know, because I truly didn’t even know what religion or god was. Then when I had asked my parents they told me to say that I didn’t have one. People didn’t trust me for it. They thought I had no morals. I didn’t understand. I just wanted to play or hang out.

Additionally through my experiences and my family I was taught to mistrust the religious folk right back. We held anti-religion views such as believing that society has a bit of a christian undercurrent to it with Puritan societal stigmas. The religious right was something to be frustrated to angry about. As soon as anyone began talking about religion I assumed they were out to convert me, whether true or not.

Adolescence was a time of exploration in religion, to understand and respect those who had different beliefs than me. However also to finally understand what I never had. At one point as a child I had asked my mother who Jesus was. She sat me down and we watched the Jesus movie together. She liked him and-at that time anyway-told me that she believed he had been resurrected. Other friends had taken me to their church services-Christian varieties and one Catholic. I liked the values they held but I didn’t like the sense of sacrifice. My agnostic background had also equipped me with a strong sense of free will. I had never obeyed god and had no intention of understanding what that meant. I needed to know though. What it was like for other people. Why they had satisfaction and I didn’t. There was some part of me that interjected religion into conversations. Like most agnostics I had always walked a line between belief and atheism.

This is where the theological search came in. I intellectualized religion and spirituality. I read about belief systems and I tried them on like shoes. I was trying to blend in and play the part of whatever spiritual people look like. In early adolescence I found Wicca. I’ve been told my whole life that I was going to go to hell and I learned that being a pagan wasn’t a big jump. The “devil-worshiping heathen” label was old news by my teenage years. Even though I considered myself a pagan, from my reading and interactions with people I had an open enough mind to keep the theological search going. See Jury is still out on whether its been worth it

I searched a lot and nothing satisfied. No matter how hard I tried. No matter how much I liked something. There always seemed to be something missing. A good friend of mine would ask how I connected to a higher power. Period. No belief. No practice. Just me. I didn’t know. I never committed myself to anything. I realized I didn’t know how. How do you attempt a belief in a higher power and a practice, so it feels like you are connecting to God/dess-when you have never been taught to?

Apparently no matter what belief system a kid is raised in they are usually raised to believe in a sense of something bigger than them. It wishes them no harm, and watches out for them and protects them. These are apparently the basic building blocks of belief. Along the way they are taught faith and basic spiritual truths/laws. This is a part of what Spiritual Intelligence is. As an example the Unitarian Universalist church here has a program for children that teaches them the basic building blocks of belief, faith, judgment, decision-making and the different religions.

I’ve heard it’s impossible to teach a child to really know God and that it’s a personal thing where you either do or you don’t, however religious education in it’s many forms is the starting point that people are supposed to build off of. I was educated on this whole process a couple of times by friends within the last few years and I was amazed to find out that this is more or less common knowledge.