love and be loved without reservation & with reciprocity

I’m not really sure how to do this anymore. Kimari told me recently that the best thing about me is that I am so open, honest, receptive and trusting. Then he said that the worst thing about me is that I am open, honest, receptive and trusting.

How can you know unless you give people a chance? But I get disappointed when I see how selfish people are. They want more, more, more for them and leave nothing for others even if the other person is in their inner cirle. I want to love people but it seems that perhaps they should be proven and qualify first because I have rarely come across anyone who can handle unconditional love without abusing it. So this isn’t working for me because I am open, honest, receptive and trusting. I’m too emotional today and this goal is exasperating at the moment.

But I won’t give up simply because I want it so much.

I met a guy. Things were good. Got even better. We met up. Down the hill; way, way down hill. Not good. What went wrong? I thought he was the one for me. Oh well. I will pick up the pieces. Hoping for the right one for me is challenging.

I think he was feeling rejected so he pulled away. I noticed it the second day we met up. He was making slights about my age (again – we had already spoken about/dealt with this issue). I picked up on it right away but I didn’t say anything significant about it.

I think he was expecting me to be warm and fuzzy right away. It takes me a minute, though. We spoke a lot on the phone prior to meeting. He asked me if I would be shy when we first met and I said I most likely would be. I have been physically taken advantage of by someone I knew in the past so it does take me a few times to warm up. On the 3rd day when I was feeling more comfortable he had already mentally checked out. So impatient. What could I do but follow his lead? He gave me nothing to go on, though. I touched his arm a few times in the car, pinched him when he said something crazy. He did not respond to my physical touch in any manner. What could I do? I lost him so quickly. Oh well. Thinking about him is tiring. I could not really do anything differently. He was impatient. I feel that he was expecting/requiring me to be in the moment immediately. He did not give me enough time. He wanted a microwave but I am more of an electric range. I guess it is better to know that now. Getting through this week has been hard. I miss our talks about everything.

I wrote this a few years ago. This poem exemplifies true love to me. Now, if I could only experience it…

Home

I want to immerse myself in you
I want to get inside your head
and figure out how you figure
that you are in love with
and totally captivated by me

I want to wrap myself in your affection
be dressed up in your love
totally draped in it
I know this is possible
because I feel it covering me all the time
even now

I want to embrace your soul with my own
touch your heart with my smile
wipe your tears with my presence
make you blush with a look
have you experience the volume and magnitude
of emotions I have for you

I want to be so enmeshed with you
that when I touch you
I feel what you are thinking
think what you are feeling
which only comes with the truest sense of intimacy

And when I have done these things
then, and only then
will I have arrived home
to a place that I have never been before
but always knew existed
just for me and for you

And you are the key
that opens the door for me to enter
I will be home because I will be in you
Never truer words have been spoken
than home is where the heart is

I like being in love, but I hate the initial part where my brain feels frazzled and I have to control my thoughts because the person keeps invading my thoughts and images of them become fused to my cornea. But once the feelings of being overwhelmed subside, I relax more and just love loving that special guy. I can’t say that I have ever experienced reciprocal love; we both love each other with the same intensity. But I really want it.

I love someone now and we tell each other that, which is a good starting place. I would like to explore the idea of a relationship, but he’s not ready. I know and understand his reservations, which causes me to have reservations too. When I was younger I may have thrown caution to the wind and gone to every extent to show him what love with me could be like. But at this point, I don’t want to put everything into him if he can’t express an openess to receive/reciprocate that. He was burned badly in his last relationship so he doesn’t want to commit to another one right now. But he wants to have sex with me very, very badly…NOT!!! I truly love him, but I am not looking for a friends with benefits situation. I am looking to love and be loved in return.