Mend my broken heart

We had connected. We were friends. Or so I thought. Really, I was just simply trying to enjoy the relationship we had and not put any pressure on it, no expectations.

I did NOT start picking out china and flatware patterns.

I did NOT practice writing his last name after my first name.

I did NOT calendar my ovulation cycle, nor did I Google sites for baby names or bridal wear.

I was just trying to build a friendship, a solid base. And I thought he was in this with me. Until he suddenly backed away. No more having a laugh, no more friendly chats, though he does lower himself to greeting me when we make eye contact and I still catch him watching me when I pass by him.

Instead of building a friendship with him, I’ve started to feel like I was forcing one on him. That makes me feel gross and pathetic. I just don’t understand why one day we’re buddies and the next day I’m some disease to be avoided at any cost. I try to think what I might have done wrong, but I can’t find anything…I was friendly but not clingy.

I don’t understand this. And it breaks my heart.

I admire those of you out there who want to fall in love. I encourage you to do it…for some people it works out. It seems, though, that I happen to not be one of those people. For me, love is loneliness and pain and leaves me drowning in self-doubt. I can say now that I’ve actually, really been in love. And I’m not sure I ever want to do that again.

I’m trying to not let it affect my life. And I’m trying very hard to put this behind me and forget him. But it seems God/The Universe/Life has a really sick sense of humour: Every time I try to forget him, I see or hear his name. I never realized what a bloody common name he has. I can’t escape it.

I try to put on a brave face, but the strain shows. Coming home from the office today, I couldn’t hold it back anymore and I sobbed the whole way.

I just want this hurt to stop. Just stop.