Choosing Master over Victim.... — 4 months ago
i’m struggling to finish up my papers for my degree. I’m on a deadline; time is running out. My former tutor has graciously agreed to work with me again – pro bono (or at least, barter repayment a long time in the future)
I have always had a difficult time in school, from 2nd grade on. Not from lack of ability or intelligence, but from emotional chaos, abusive teachers, parents that really didnt know to support me, and a learning disability that wasnt properly diagnosed until i was 40+ yrs old.
For the past month we’ve worked on my writing a 2 pg book report on a text from the Byzantine Empire. I have read, struggled, taken notes, discussed outline—and have yet to write one word of the paper.
Its an old story, and my worst demon – that i cannot write papers easily. I generally get “A”’s on all papers i turn in, & praises on my writing abilities. but getting a paper finished is a major undertaking for me: partly from the LD, partly from a deeply entrenched sense of failure / panic / worthlessness / terror that arises when i attempt to write….from years & years of fuck-ups, derogatory remarks from teachers, bad experiences, etc…
By last thursday night i was in such a paralyzied anxiety that i wound up staying up all night in a full-blown panic attack.
I decided the next day that my tutor and i, instead of the paper per se, would work on a “resistence breakthru” technique i’d read of in Klauser’s “Writing on Both Sides of the Brain”.
I had to actively speak in the language of a Victim (e.g. “I cant do this, I cant do that…”) for 5 mins….then actively speak in the language of a “Master” (empowered by choice)(e.g “I choose do to this, I can do that…”)
Lots of tears and held breath. Tough to change one’s inner dialogue, and to own my story of this situation right now. Not what nasty things happened in my past, not what failures i experienced before, not even a semi-limiting belief that my LD prevents me from doing this (it slows me down some, but doesnt stop me). And as my tutor said to me:
“You have to CHOOSE to not be victimized by this situation anymore”
Then by chance (ahem), ‘saw part of an Oprah show today where a psychologist spoke of “needing to retell yourself the old story in New Language”. This resonated with me, as i keep thinking of myself as “the girl who has failed to get her degree for 25+ years”, instead of someone who will graduate by Dec 2008. I need to reframe my inner story, my belief of myself, and STOP playing the old victim tapes in my head over and over. Because they only keep me paralyzied with fear and a victim. I need to own: THATwas my past…but i own my present and future to choose & do differently.
The psychologist also had a great acronym for fear:
False Events Appearing Real
