Stop cutting

I “cut”, I hate how we’ve come to call it that, for quite a few years. And what do I have to show for it other than countless scars and countless horrified stares. Cutting doesn’t do you no good. I mean, does it really even make you feel all that good? I don’t think so.

Seriously ask yourself, do you feel – do you really feel – better about whatever it is that led you to that? I used to think it did, but I dunno, it’s just not. I wanna say it’s just not worth it. I can’t remember why I made half these scars but they’re there and grining up at me forever now.

I don’t know if I can seriously say I’ve stopped for good, but I’ve certainly had enough of this nonsence.
It’s been about 8 months.

10.24.07. I don’t know why I did it this time. Well I do but it was so goddamn stupid. I get this feeling that slowly builds itself up, I can’t even describe it, I just feel funky and I get it inside my head that if I cut I’ll be back to normal. It’s a repeating cycle. It’s almost like I feel as though I need to cut to appease people, without them knowing about it though, just so I go back to “normal”.
Anybody got any ideas on what’s going on?

Last night (9/10/07) I cut my vein open, I don’t think it was suppose to happen but it bled almost all day. I just sat there with this syringe and razor – treating it like a procedure. All I can think about is hurting myself, just destroying myself completely until it stops, until everything’s back to what it used to be like and trust me, I know it won’t happen. I think I’m just looking for excuses. I’ve been feeling fine lately and I’ve been doing so good but I just don’t really know anymore.

I didn’t do it for 5 or 6 months. Then two nights ago (8/3/07) I cracked for no concrete reason. I really hated myself the mintue I did it; it wasn’t even worth it. I’m going to quit, I don’t want any more scars.

April 10th. 2007, I failed. I wasn’t even really sad, I was crashing. I don’t think I’m gonna cut for a while now, I really don’t wanna do this anymore. My wrist has been itchy as hell and I’ve had to wear a damn wrist band for like 2 weeks, I don’t remember when I ever found this appealing.

What good are people getting out of cutting? A little bit of temporary relief? “Anger management”? Self discipline? Really now. All I’ve ever gotten out of this was pity, mockery and dozens of scars I constantly feel the need to hide. It’s no good, honestly it’s not even worth it. If you can just calm down for a bit you probably won’t even wanna cut. Unless of course, you’re doing it to “impress” your friends. But a good hunk of the cutters I’ve talked to do it impulsively, if you can get rid of the impulse you might not cut, right? Right.

I figure been it’s been like 70 days but it’s probably been more; I can’t even remember the last time I cut. But I think I’m done. I don’t wanna do it anymore. It’s not doing me any good and it never did.

It’s been like 30 days, probably more, and it’s getting harder not to “give in”. I’ve been feeling absurdly bitter and just dejected within the past week or so. When I get angry I just go to sleep, it’s the only thing I can think of that will really stop me from cutting right then and there, any other activities just let the animosity keep building. I don’t really like it but it’s sort of working, I guess it’s okay though – I’m always really tired anyways.

Damn, I failed on Wednesday. I don’t think there was really a reason even, I was just angry I think. I had been doing really good up until then though. Ha, this is sort of stupid but I’ve started setting little dates for myself, like I told myself I’m not going to cut until the 14th and when I reach then (and hopefully haven’t cut yet) I add another week. Sorta gives you a little short term goal I guess.

I think it’s been 12 days since the last cut but today I was listening to “Scar Tissue” and I searched it on Google images and I stumbled upon this picture.

(I realize this picture is of an operation, but you have to take note that what they’re tugging at is the peroneal nerve which is completely encased by a thick layer of scar tissue)

I was taken a back when I first saw it, it made me feel pretty weird.. even though I know it’ll never be like that but it still really made me think. I have to stop doing this before I really fuck up. And besides I have new incentives to stop. Good luck everyone.

I have at least 50 cuts on my arm right now and I feel so stupid. I was just angry, I don’t even know why. I feel like I’m pulling away from everybody but sort of unwillingly. And it’s just making me feel so unbelievely shitty.