Improve my self-esteem

I really feel pretty good about myself, pretty damn good.
I mean there are days still, you know you get the odd one too, where ya look in the mirror and just say to yourself “God, I look like hell today” but those days have been out weighted now by those wonderful “God, I look good as hell today” days. I really love it.

I’m such a fucking spaztastic fagified asshole, I went to the movies tonight with these kids and I started to get really nervous, like really nervous, just because my brain was all “you aren’t good enough, don’t talk to them, you aren’t good enough” and I was getting fucking scared but like shit I fucked up. Ha, I said I was gonna go look for fucking crack pipes as a excuse to leave em alone, and course I said that cause I knew nobody would come with me, bit pathetic, eh? I always fuck up, I’m so prone to it. I can’t fucking do anything right and I just I dunno, is that like a self-esteem issue or what? And I like fucking ran away from them at the movies cause like this voice inside my ‘ead kinda told me to just fuck off and leave em alone, so I did. Shit, I dunno I really just I don’t know. I’m just a fucking asshole that probably should just go die in a little cave. I can talk one on one with people like kinda but in a group or around other people I just get so freak out like I’d rather die than be all sociable. Like fuck, it’s like all my friends are leaving me and ya know the funny thing is all my friends just wanna fuck me and they start like fleeting when they realize they’re not gonna get any and just fuck I dunno, I dunno, I really just don’t fucking know. I’m so terrified of people because the stupidity of others has left me fucked up and drowing in hatred. I always feel like such a fucking loser; I wish I could just talk to people without gay bashing myself into the mud.

Improve my self-esteem? Ha, I think I need to fine some first. I can’t even talk to people without a voice going off in my head telling me “you’re a piece of shit, leave them alone, you aren’t good enough”. It’s actually pretty pathetic, I never feel good enough for anyone or anything, not even myself. I try so hard to just leave people lone so I don’t damage the overall mood in the room. I can’t talk to people and it’s mind bottling. It’s fucked up so many little things for me and cause I’m never good enough and I incessantly remind myself how worthless and shitty I am I just feel so horrible all the time. I feel horrible for a lot of reasons but this isolation I plague myself with just tears me to shreds. I’m just like never good enough, even when people tell me I am I… I don’t believe them. I don’t believe people because I just don’t trust anybody, but that is wondering off topic. You know, the only time I ever really feel just a little esteem is when I do some type of drug, and I’m not to picky about those, and nobody understands that I do/did all these drugs just so I can feel a little bit better about myself. Hell, I’ll shoot a lethal dose of smack into my veins if I can just feel good about myself for five little minutes. Everything seems to fuck itself up just because I strongly think I’m prone to fuck everything up then my little no esteem mentality comes in saying “well you can’t fuck up if you don’t do anything, now can ya? Oh by the way you’re a worthless piece of shit, I hope you choke on your own vomit” so I just don’t do anything. I’m like my fucking worst enemy, it’s like I stop myself from living almost. But I won’t ramble on anymore, don’t want you to die of severe boredom, so just I could really use a bit of esteem here before some brains get splattered or something… I swear, they should just sell this shit in a bottle