start again

has made me realize that I’ve moved on.
Are we still together?
Yes.
We are still good friends, and our relationship has changed of course, some areas are looser, others have moved direction into new and nourishing ways. In some things, we have just decided to allow each other the space to be nurtured by other people.

We’ll always be good friends no matter what.

Ploddingly, cud chewingly bored with it all.
Spark’s gone, have heard it all before in all its different shades and nuances, going screamingly, mind numbingly gaga over the endlessly circuitous and predictable responses.
God, let me out of this cage.

The Key glows in my pocket, shiny and hot, golden and immediate.
Slides in and nestles into its only position for Leverage.
There is nowhere else for it. This is what it was made for.

CLICK.

What is it I really want? A major part of my being wants to invite a sense of adventure in to my life, regardless of the sometime tediousness of daily life that maintains the structure that holds up the unfolding dreams. I know I have to have that relief of “otherness” to balance the grind. I burn the candle at both ends trying to have fun. Just be, whispers someone. Be what??#! be happy, be available, be here.

“I try to live in the moment!!” I cry defensively (to image of cool counsellor) but my mind loves roaming and planning and working out how to achieve and gather more dreamstuff to craft into future selves. I AM busy. I’m a big picture gal who can and does. And I love/need closure. I ‘m driven at times, intense and focussed, but that is how I get things done.
“So there” I raspberried calmly.

And I really do need the freedom to do just that. To be happy. Even if it means that I realize goals that exclude my lover.
Which makes for interesting relationship dynamics.
“So” she glints at me,”how do you show him you care?”
Why does this make me feel so defensive? I veer from indignation to doubt, from humour to puzzlement. Of course I care.
So my task is to list Ways Of Showing Him I Care.
And work out why this makes me feel defensive.

albeit on the fringes only.
Have come to terms with my/his inability to move forward in this relationship.
I knew why he left….said all manner of things that rang true for him, but him coming back asking for a restart sent me spinning into indecision and into that awful place of unclarity, mostly with me thinking that he’ll just run away again when things get tough.
Which he will.
We’ve done this before.

He basically said that he had a tantrum and when he calmed down realised that it was just that, venting.
But he left me, moved out his stuff, took his name off the lease and prefers to spend a lot of time at his place.
I don’t want to do this again, well, I won’t in that I don’t feel that same sense of connection with him.
When I see him, I acknowledge that I still care for him, still enjoy the sex, appreciate his qualities. But I don’t have that sense of NESTING, you know? that sense of our home, our life, our dreams that we build together and create and recreate through what we do, how we weave our thoughts into realities, day by day.
When I see him, I just enjoy the moment, without the mental springboard of constructing a future together.

So at dinner last night I told him of my new 5 year plan, the broad parameters which will define and shape my energies for the next few years.
I can do all of it without him and though I didn’t say that, he knew of course, that he was excluded, that I didn’t need his support to achieve any of this.

And he still wants to be part of my life.

Being with M has always forced me to scrutinise my values.
And the counselling forces me to verbalize them, both a heart and head process.
Question is : Do I want to be a woman who forges ahead, with an undemanding, independent lover on the sidelines (accept this relationship as it is) or do I want to be in a relationship where my lover fits into the more traditional “family” model ( ie find this with some one else?)

the therapist lady that spends time with me, counselling me.
But I’m beginning to resent her fearlessness in opening up the can of worms that is my lot.
She’s really good at this.
In fact she enjoys it. Too much.
I’ve only been to see her twice, and we covered a lot of ground. She wanted to go waaaaaaay back to childhood, but I kept her here in the now. ( too impatient and worried about money)
I’ve noticed she squints lightly before she asks that lethal question, it only gives me 2 seconds (a breath, a heartbeat) before I allow myself the bare bellied surrender of defeat.
I sit there and don’t know where to hide, where to look, can’t run away. So I just cry. In front of a stranger who holds me with her eyes, passes me tissues and waits till the words come.
I do think that this is good for me…but….
when the session is over, I feel like shit and I don’t know how to deal with my self, my daughter, Him, work, or anything else.
It’s like I need counselling after the counselling, to tame the beast that is crawling around inside of me, who saw that open door and is gnawing at it.

I have to schedule this for weekends when my daughter is away visiting her dad. I’ll have more time for the aftermath, get a massage or something soothing.

and find that he earnestly wants to be back in my life….oh! so don’t trust this! But the physical pull is so strong, he smells like ..like… a haven of comfort and sex and sunshine and strong rich earth where good things grow….......

God, I should have had that mindless sex with a stranger.

Nothing has really changed for me, my goals and lifestyle are pretty much the same….only NOW he’s ready to support them and find ways to make his goals happen too.
Am quite ready to admit that part of me is outraged by the turnaround, my womanly pulse that bled and cried into the blackness is still doing just that, because something is still broken…....and I can’t trust THIS until I find all those pieces and show it to him.

Am going to suggest we see a counsellor.

And I’ll see another one on my own.

Love life really needs looking at. Eight year relationship ended with a clash of priorities, tussle of wills and tears by both of us, amidst the divvying up of furniture, funds and it seems, friends. oh dear.

Felt extraordinarily lost without him, that it physically hurt.
I feel an awful vulnerability that made me realize that he was/is so deeply imbedded in my sense of security that I really needed to really look at myself and sort out the me and him parts.
Still doing it.

Been quite the drama queen lately, wearing my inner mourning black lace with my heart hanging by loose threads of mild feminine hysteria…...

And I do miss the sex and holding hands with our bodies and breath.

So…..my sister, who’s experienced in the ways of Humpty Dumpty, told me to just go and have glorious mindless sex with a hot stranger, to break the link to “sex/heart thing, you know?”

And I’m thinking about it.