This new advocating stuff is hard to navigate within an old relationship. I have to steel myself to push (pleasantly) for what I need regardless of what he may think of me or what my old self might be saying within my head. Then I find myself sometimes getting what I’ve been asking for but then feeling guilty and handing it right back. As if I am not worth it. As if his needs supercede my own.
I know I am right on certain points. I need to learn not to try to justify or explain at length why I need what I need. He will never (NEVER) be able to fathom my inner workings. He just doesn’t have it in him. It is so frustrating to accept that – I want him so to understand. It is so tempting to just walk away from it all and start afresh with someone new.
But.
I need to figure out a new way to be in this new form of our relationship for the kids’ sake and for my own. We are forever locked in each others’ lives – I certainly don’t want to keep on communicating in our tired old patterns. I also realize I need to learn to stand up for myself and be more self determined, more self realized before I ever get in another relationship. Or I will be in for more of the same.
This is such hard work. And unfortunately it’s not the only hard work I am having to forge through right now. I just have to remember that when I get through this first year it will be that much easier.
I hope.
