Make a relationship decision

I had wanted to figure out what I want from a relationship with my girlfriend, or what I want from a life alone. I’ve not figured out either.

The point has come that I need to plan a future for myself and stick with it. It’s just infinitely difficult for me.

So last week I spent a lot of my time writing on a screenplay synopsis for a competition.

I went out twice. I ate with a group of friends of a friend (people I barely know). I went to a café with close friends. I visited a friend in another city. I followed that up with a visit to the director I have been working with on the synopsis, and met with him two days later to drop off our entry into the competition. I also met another young director.

Having been this close to the ‘heat’, I really noticed how much I’ve missed these kind of things. Action. Meeting interesting people. Talking about film, about ideas for film, about how to tell a cinematic story. Just enjoying life.

The evenings I spent with my girlfriend felt out of place. She complained that I was using the house as a hotel, and she may have had a point there. I noticed that being with her doesn’t inspire me as much as being alone does.

Now this is a positive thing and it has taken away some of the fear that goes along with the thought of being alone. I know the fear will come back. But it has also cleared things up a little in my head.

I just have to find the courage to make a decision that is final. I know that if I break up with her it’ll hurt because I’ll miss her. But it won’t hurt as much as the thought of missing out on life.

The idea makes me happy and sad at the same time. But finding the courage to see this through is so.. so.. hard.

I sort of left because:
- I felt I hadn’t grown much as a person and that there was no room to improve / grow in the relationship.
- I noticed myself looking at women when not with her and in some occasions wanting to act on it.
- The hours bleed from me daily.
- I felt something akin to falling in love for some waitress who gave me the slightest bit of affirmation.

I didn’t quite leave because:
- I miss the safety of being with her and am afraid of being (and staying) alone.
- I am no longer in love with her, but I still love her.
- When I feel weak and feel like giving up, and look at the people that I’ve surrounded myself with she is the only one I feel comfortable to be around.
- I feel she understands me better than others.

These last few days I’ve been physically ill. Cold weather etc. I’ve been back at home for several of these days. We’ve talked some, had some fun doing very regular things (watching tv etc).

Most of my behaviors these last weeks were born from my search for approval. I’ve met a few women, they left me their numbers. Now that I’m on a trajectory back to my girlfriend these girls (I’m 10 years their elder) are trying to contact me on Facebook.

Now I’m at a point where I may be returning to my life with my girlfriend as was. This is something both of us want to avoid. I can’t say I’m any closer to completing this goal.

I love her, but can I be with her? I surely don’t want to lose her. But can I fight for her?

I have the urge to call her, with nothing to say. It would just be negativity. I should avoid that at all costs. But I haven’t spoken to her in days and I really feel that I’m running out of time. She’ll be gone before I know whether what I feel is general confusion or unease with the relationship.

It’s strange, but today I feel particularly lonely and sad. I’m unsure if this is because I miss her and the fact that she knows me, and knows how to bring comfort to my fearsome heart, or if it is simply because I’ve been lacking affirmation and approval these past few days.

There’s almost no way to separate the two. Perhaps this is what our relationship meant to me most. Someone who understands my fears without me having to express them, and who knows how to alleviate them with simple mundane gestures.

Of course this also means that my relationship with her helped me to avoid having to deal with these negative feelings. And as a result kept them alive.

January 6th I pretty much walked out on her and have stayed at a friends house for almost three weeks now. I can’t let her wait on me, because she isn’t stupid and she won’t. I have no idea if I made the right decision and so I can’t push through. I still love her, but so far, these past nine years I feel I haven’t grown in a single area in my personal life. I also don’t feel like I will have a chance to grow if I stay. But maybe I should let go of my want to change and just settle and bask in the comfort she provides.

It is almost hour zero, where the decision will be made for me. If I want to be true to myself and honest to her, I will have to make a decision before that moment arrives.