identify 100 things that piss me off

50. shaving: I hate to shave! Don’t get me wrong, aside from a couple of deadhead years in high school, I keep all my shaveables neatly manicured. I just really hate doing it for some reason. Laser hair removal would rock my world.

51. pigs: It never fails to amaze me how loudly some people eat. For the love of god and all that’s holy, eat with your mouth closed. And when you get to the end of your drink just accept it. Don’t slurp drips up your straw to alert your waitress that you need a refill. Just ask!!

52. 10 items or less: I would die a happy girl if I ever saw a cashier ringing up someones grocieries, stop at their 10 items and make them take the rest of their crap back to the end of the line. Maybe I’ll get a job at the local grocery store so I can do this for a day. Learn to count, retards!!

53. Popped collars: Hey guys, you know that crease on your collared shirt? It was never meant to be straightened. Ever! Girls laugh at you. And the girls who don’t laugh at you are the girls that the rest of us laugh at. As Grandmaster Flash once said “Ddddon’t ddddddo it bbbbbaby!”

49- bad kids/bad moms: I was shopping with my kids yesterday when I saw something that pissed me off beyond belief. There was a mom with what looked like her daughter and her daughters friend. While the mom was yapping away on her phone the two girls were “shopping” having a gay old time grabbing clothes off the racks and carrying them around. The mom noticed and said “Oh my god, you guys! what are you doing! you totally have to put that stuff back!”. She watched the girls walk over to a rack of clothes and just throw their armloads of clothes under it. They then started taking jackets off the hangers, trying them on and them tossing them on the ground.
What the fuck is wrong with these people?? GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!

47- elimidate: This show makes me wretch. The reason why is the inevitable scene wheres theres two or three girls left, they’re probably in a hot tub, and the dude is like “so ladies, uhh huh huh huh, I like a girl who’s spontanious, how spontanious are you?” Then the biggest whore of the group hops in his lap and makes out with him while the other girls feel uncomfortable watching them. They get over it pretty quickly though because not wanting to be outdone they’ll make out with him too. And it’s like the girl doesn’t have the option of not wanting him, they all just vie for his attention. YUCK!!!!!

48- Cereal commercials: “Super sugar swirly-o’s are part of this complete breakfast!” Well no shit. The cereal is sitting there with a glass of orange juice, a glass of milk, a few pieces of wheat toast and half of a grapefruit. A fucking rock would be a complete breakfast if included with all that crap.

46- My lazy ass: I haven’t worked out in 2 weeks. Uggghhhh, I need to get motivated.

41- This is not funny: “So..you, uh workin’ hard err hardly workin’?” It’s the equivelant of “Looks like somebody’s got a case of the mondays!”

42- My sister’s shit obsession: I take care of my 8 month old niece while my sister works. My sis will call to ask if the baby has “pooped yet” roughly 5 times a day. On the days that I don’t watch her, sis will call to tell me that she did poop, if it came out of her diaper, if it was runny…FUCK!!!!!!

43- My hair: It flips under on my left side but flips out on my right.

44- The following tattoos: Tribal, suns, taz, marvin the martian, dreamcachers, barbed wire, dolphins, yin and yang, but mostly…people with no background but japanese lettering.

45- Dummys: People ask if my boy/girl twins are identical. Yes, they’re identical except for two very small details: A penis and a vagina.

35- PeOpLe WhO TyPe LikE ThIs

36- Nipple nazis: Angry people who make a mom who breastfeeds in public feel uncomfortable. If you think it’s obscene then you’re the pervert.

37- Mom’s of special kids: Ok I hate to generalize, but I’m gonna. At my son’s school there’s a class of challenged kids. They wear clothes from 1987, ugly hair etc. They’re cute kids! Dress ‘em cute! Don’t give the girls Dorothy Hammill haircuts!

38- milk crusties: The gross milk flakies that form on the spout of the milk jug, mocking me, so I’m unable to take a satisfying swig straight from the jug.

39- Pregnant liar beeyotches: “My doctor told me not to quit smoking, that it would put too much stress on the baby.” Liar! You should be charged with child endangerment.

40- Nature’s cruel joke: Doesn’t it seem like the people who are unable to have kids are the ones who would make great parents, but the jobless, the underage, the toothless, the addicts seem to have compost in their uteruses? Uteruses? Uteri? :-)

31- Bratz dolls: Maybe a better name for these would be Slutz or Whorez. Attention moms: if you want your 14 year old daughter to come pregnant with chlamydia then buy them these great role models! Maybe next season they will come out with their male companions: Bratz Baby’z Daddyz.

32- Ringtones: Please, please wait until you’re not in public to listen to all of your phones available ringtones.

33- Anti cell phone people: Quit bitching about people talking on their cellphones in restaurants. Why do you care? How is it any different than talking to the person sitting across from you? And also, I can drive quite well while I talk on my phone, thankyouverymuch.

34- washed up comedians- A saw a comedian on TV recently talking about how stupid people shouldn’t breed. That bit was worn out 5 years ago, retard. And why are you retards laughing at it?

24- Adopting pets: I’m not saying that people shouldn’t get dogs from the pound. I did. I’m all for it. It’s just the people who pat themselves on the back a little too hard when they emphasize the fact that they ADOPTED or RESCUED the dog. You rescued it? Was it in a burning building?
25- My douchebag neighbor: She sees my dog and says “Eww! I hate pugs! They’re so ugly!” No, you are ugly.
26- My dad: He thinks that because he shops at Sam’s Club that he’s part of some secret elite savings force. He has a business membership and they open the doors to them an hour before the rest of the bargain mongers. “Well, guess I’ll head on down to Sams’s. I like to get there early, y’know, before they let in the public.” The public? You dork, dad.
27- My dad part deux: My fridge has an ice dispenser on the front of it. He always opens my fridge instead and fishes his clammy dad hands around in the ice holder distributing his germs hither and yon. Use the dispenser, dad!
28- Loud talker guy: At the coffeeshop there’s a guy who will talk just loud enough so everyone around him realizes just what a swell guy he is. “Yeah, i sent that girl a text and told her that I’m not going to loose sleep over her. I’m way out her league anyway. She’s not that hot” Oddly I’ve never seen him there with a girl.
29- Spoiled girls: I’ve seen these 15 year old girls at the spa getting the works… 7 different shades of highlights and lowlights, facials, pedicures, nails…bitches! I’m 30 and I can’t aford that shit. I’m just jealous.
30- Gothic kids: Either stop talking about slitting your wrists or just do it. And if you give the reason for wearing all black because you want to be different then I have an idea. Wear all yellow. I’ve never seen that.

whew…take a deep breath…

16- smelly trees: I don’t have a problem with air fresheners, just people who collect bajillions of them on their rearview.
17- Marrying sheep: Anti gay marriage people who make the agument that “Well if we allow same sex marriages what next…marrying animals?” You can fuck right off.
18 Mormon church parking: Every damn sunday minivans park illegally up and down the streets and never get tickets. Meanwhile I got pulled over for a small crack in my winshield and my boyfriend got pulled over for the lift on his truck being too high (his truck had no lift). Mormons deserve tickets too.
19- mormons part deux: A friend of mine is a cop and says that when you pull a mormon over they’ll “accidentally” hand over their temple reccomend instead of their driver’s license. Just because you will supposedly rule the afterlife doesn’t mean that you can drive like a retard and get away with it.
20- political correctness: I’m tired of wondering if I should call someone an african american, homosexual, caucasian american, latino, canine american. How ‘bout this? Instead of being offended because someone used the wrong term, I say be offended when someone is knowingly being ignorant or offensive. Let’s not walk on eggshells folks.
21- locked up condoms: I noticed that at the grocery store the condoms are now in a locked case so you have to ask an employee to come unlock it for you. I wonder how many teen pregnancies this will cause because the boy was too embarassed to buy them.
22- straight edgers: Are you so starved for attention that you need to give yourself this cool title? So what if you don’t have sex, drink, or do drugs. good for you. You know who else is straight edge? My grandma.
23- Turning 30: ‘Nuff said.

8- Feel good stories: There’s been so much hullaballoo lately about a pair of conjoined twins being separated. Sure it’s a bit interesting but it’s been done before. Doesn’t need that much news coverage. I know they do these stories so people don’t just get overwhelmed by all the crazy shit on the news but, you know what? Don’t want to see the news? Don’t watch it. Maybe we all need to get pissed off and scared of the way of the world today. Give us brutal truths. Maybe that will motivate change.

9- CD and DVD packaging: Am I the only dork out there that has to gnaw on the side of the plastic to get it opened?

10- reunions: The unsaid competition between girls who haven’t seen eachother in ages. The only reason why high school reunions even exist is because some girls are hell bent to make sure you know how blissfully happy their lives are. I had a conversation recently with an old classmate and after roughly 10 minutes I knew: Her giant annual income, how her husband is her “soulmate”, about fabulous vacations, both her and her husbands overly important sounding work titles, her favorite spendy wine, all the time she spends working out. Blah blah blah.

11- bumperstickers: Is it that important that everyone driving behind you knows that you listen to Tool? That you love Eminem? That you brake for yard sales? OK, I guess anti-bush stickers are hunky dorey.

12- bitches: You see it on the above mentioned bumperstickers, tee shirts and in conversations…girls bragging about being bitches. “Oh yeah, I’m a total bitch”. Maybe I’m just old fashioned but the last time I checked being a bitch was not really a good thing to be.

13- loud mufflers: The 16 year old kids who have seen The Fast and the Furious too many times. You drive like idiots and your ‘93 buick lesabre doesn’t need a fin on the back of it or the loud muffler.

14- support our troops: What the hell does this even mean?

15- commercials geared toward males: if you use this aftershave you will get laid! Drive this truck and you will get laid! Eat this burrito and you will get laid! Get your taxes done by us and you will get laid!

I am a well oiled whining machine!!