become a better person

There’s different types of people in this world, who do I want to be? From day to day, it seems like I’m someone different!
I know the personality is more intriciate and complex than I make it seem, but in genearal,

Do I want to be:
-cute and fun and generous
-mysterious, sercretive and withdrawn
-quiet and contemplative
-an activist-a mix of hopeful and cynical
-dark and sarcastic
-outspoken
-shy
-angry, angst in general
-the smart girl
-the dumb girl
-Passionate
-Uncaring
I vary between these extremes on a daily basis.
It sounds really dumb that I’m actually labeling personality types when no one is really like this, but I have to do something because I don’t like being a different person everyday-the mood swings, etc. Everyone notices the changes I have too and I don’t like them. How can a person be so many things. Maybe I act different around different people. sigh

I think if I change this stuff, I can be a better person hopefully.

1. say what I feel more often, speak up more—I’m tired of pretending to be happy and giving out fake smiles, fake smiles are painful
2. lose the weight-i’ve never been fat, but now that I am, I’m less confident, sigh
3. Stop the carnal pleasures-pleasures of the flesh
4. Hang out with my friends more
5. Go back to God
6. Don’t procrastinate
6. Take care of myself-my body is a temple
7. Simplify, don’t take on too many activities so I don’t have time for myself or the ones I love
8. Read more, be smart, believe in my self

Sometimes, I just can’t believe what I’ve become, it’s a far cry from when I was just an adolescent, I’m not blaming my personality on those raging teen years, no—I blame it on myself. I’m such an ugly person on the inside: I’m impatient, negative, don’t give my parents the respect they deserve, I lie for no reason, I’m lazy, school is slowly slipping through my fingers, I’ve considered suicide, and have thought unspeakable things
I’m on a journey this year to really improve myself—to become a better person. Each day, I’m going to write about how I’ve improved just a little and so forth.
My dream has been to go back in time with all the knowledge I have now and to prevent myself from becoming what I am now. I know you’re suppose to accept yourself, but I really hate myself and what I am. Sometimes, I feel like such a burden to my parents because of the way I act. I think my friends have noticed the change too…I don’t know what to do about that. I live two lives and put up a front and I don’t want to do this anymore. When I had God in my life, things were easier, but now I struggle, I want to get back to where I was.