admit what I really want

a new career path.

a miracle. Being cliche and quoting a movie/graphic novel: “Miracles. Events with astronomical odds of occurring, like oxygen turning into gold. I’ve longed to witness such an event…”

Chocolate.

A real chance. Don’t damn me for someone else’s actions. Don’t doom me to failure because others failed in the past.

Please.

This depression is overwhelming. The lack of people in my life is overwhelming. I have no one. I want someone who can accept me for me and put no restrictions on that. I want support. I want help but no one here will.
These are things I’ve mentioned before. I feel like I’m wasting my time in everything I do and say.

Just being honest here. These feelings have endured quite a lot. And it’s been over a year. I don’t think it’s just an infatuation anymore. It feels deeper than what I’ve felt for others before (I’ve been in two very long-term relationships, so I don’t play around in relationships…). It’s bizarre, rewarding, and confusing.

I hope it becomes realized. It would be quite the experience, I’m sure. I would hate to never know what it would be like. I would love to know what it would be like.

We’ll see.

I do okay, for the most part. The pangs of loneliness get to me sometimes.

I would really like to fully embrace my alone time and make the best of it. I always end up thinking about my relationships with other people, and then I get to wondering what everyone is doing right now, and then I realize that while everyone is out living their lives, I’m wondering where mine is (as I dwell on them and their actions…).

I want a peaceful new home that feels like home- not just another place to store my stuff for several months, and then move on. I want my home. I want my quiet. I want that feeling of safety.

Help.

I really want help right now. And no one seems to care enough to give it.

My very first entry on this goal was “Support”, and I said I was standing out on this rock by myself. There are more people now, but when I ask for help, I get blank stares, people yell at me, people bail, and my problems get diminished.

I do focus on helping myself. I don’t want to get to the point again where I feel as though I have to do everything on my own- absolutely everything. That didn’t work out for me before, so why keep doing what doesn’t work?

But at the same time, asking for help and getting such reactions (one very important person actually told me that he didn’t want to see me anymore until I could get things together on my own- I wasn’t behaving irrationally or aggressively. I was just talking about how things have changed and how I want them to change, as well as what I was doing to get them to change. I just wanted him to be there to give me a hug…) just doesn’t seem worth it.

Asking for help has caused more damage than going it on my own because I’ve realized how few people have stuck around, and those who have are generally just around to use me up until I crack- until my heart is completely brittle.

Asking for help isn’t working out for me now, so why keep doing what doesn’t work?

What a problem… The old way didn’t work, the new way isn’t working, and I don’t see any other options…
Ouch.

Calm. Serenity.
For at least 5 minutes out of each day. And then expand.
So much beauty in such simplicity.