recognize the dark cloud face up

i think to dissapate an anxiety provoking situation, i need to sometimes yank out the engine that causes the emotions.

almost all the time, developing love and patience during the process will help. slow compassion. steadiness.

allow myself to relax, body and mind. i have enough time and space and capability. relax into thoughts of senrenity (sitting on the river in alaska).

i’m working on self-awareness. yesterday, i woke up out of sorts. kind of angry or tense. it persisted most of the day. i think it was mainly due to feeling angry about doing too much housework, and not feeling loved by my mate.

i recognized it when i awoke. that’s a start. what i mean is that i knew right away that i was ‘moody’ – lack of sleep probably contributed. also, i’m due for my period tomorrow.

sometimes, before, i’d wake up pissy, and it was like ‘this is my whole life, i know nothing else’ – but, it’s a mood, it’s not that my life is a permanent unsolvable difficult mess.

it’s kind of like a musical note. a bad one. i held it, it waivered, came and kind of went a bit, and came back. in the afternoon, i overate. i was able to push against it, put off the feelings of wanting to irrationally eat. it wasn’t a total meltdown, and i was able to sustain the opposite, good-note music some in the face of it. but, i did break down and overeat. progress, but i think these things layer, and as the day went on and the volume went up, i shut down and started to overeat. the antidote is awareness and white-nuclking to resolution. giving in ups the volume on the other side. reminding myself of joy, finding perspective. stretching. writing – helpful.

i’d like to find a way to feel that dark cloud, look up and dissapate it rather than finding ways to weather the storm when it comes.

until i can do that, i need to weather it. and, that will contribute to the end solution, too.

i need to accept that the process of opening awareness is going to need some white-knuckling against ingrained patterns as i learn to better deal with issues/feelings that arise.

bt, how cool of an idea to just reach down, feel the feelings, barf them up and dissapate them; leaving room for the joy to just be there.