meditate on clarity

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

—Theodore Roosevelt
“Man in the Arena” Speech given April 23, 1910.

that I made the right decision not accepting D’s offer. I worked with him and the company’s COO in an investment package this weekend and realized that while we are great friends, we have very different communication styles. It also became clear to me of how lucky I am to have a great boss : positive, encouraging, supportive. Not that D isn’t those things, but the way he communicates especially with other males comes off as very challenging and competitive. I didn’t realize how long it had been since I was in an environment where there is constant attack and/or insult in a joking manner, put-downs, etc. What is that? I’m sure there’s a psychology term that describes it perfectly. Maybe it’s a Latino thing, maybe it’s just a guy thing, but whatever it is, it seems to me to be counterproductive, unsupportive and discouraging of teamwork. So thank you to everybody that supported my better judgment and not my immediate response to his job offer. I’m afraid it would have been a disaster.

It was also clear to me, in contrast, the purity (I have no other word to describe it) of the support interchanged here. It is untainted, full, committed, unconditional and wonderful support, and I am thankful to be a part of that.

It was clear to me that I have changed drastically in the last few years. I have known D for 10 years (it may not sound like much, but it represents 42% of my lifetime), we were pals back in high school in Colombia and I never had a problem with his speech. But I do know. I know better and while I respect and love him for who he is and where he is, I can see with clarity that I have have become a lot more positive, and find negative influences unacceptable. I was happy to stop thinking that I wasn’t doing enough and see all the progress right in front of me, clear as the crisp air in a winter morning, I could inhale it, savor it and exhale with peaceful content.

Namaste

I spoke with my grandfather last night and things are a bit better at home, thankfully. My sister is back from the Amazon and it seems her mind has cleared up a bit. She’s working a lot, and she’s expressed that she doesn’t want to have any more responsibilities at home, which is kind of against my idea of reciprocity, but I’m not going to get involved anymore. She’s acting with a lot of repressed anger right now and giving her more of it isn’t going to solve anything. Besides, it’s not like it affects me directly really, it would be just trying to be right and imposing my idea of how things should be, so I’m going to pick my battles better and be open to whatever has to happen.

My grandfather also told me that the housekeeper/maid (whatever the politically correct term is) stole $2.5 million pesos (about US$1,000), which wouldn’t sound like such an astronomical amount if it wasn’t for their tight financial situation. It really pisses me off because this is someone who was very nice, she helped take care of my grandmother, and she was doing this behind everybody’s back. She’d been in our house for years. I just don’t get people like that. I don’t get how someone seeing the difficult financial situation of our house could take the money of a family with sick people, elderly people, mentally disabled people; that was the money they used to pay the prescriptions for crying out loud.

Why can’t people just ask for help dammit (my sister and this lady, in this respect, fall into the same category sadly).

from an old old friend. Carlos from Bogotá, gosh it’s been so long, 8 years since I saw him last. He’s a true gentleman and a true friend, and I respect him deeply. He introduced me to great music, jazz, old treasures, vinyl records, and a complete musical underworld that I was unaware of. We would sit in his massive room on Sunday afternoons just listening to music, talking a lot without actually articulating words.

Anyway, he called me from Colombia, which is expensive by their measures, it’s that kind of stuff that nobody else is willing to do that counts, it really does; he’s a generous soul and I feel very welcome when I speak with him. He’s the only one of my old school friends with whom I’ve kept contact. He called me with great news, he’s graduating and going to Vancouver to polish his English for a few months.

The reason I’m writing this here is because I got a chance to tell him about what’s going on with me, my life, my job, my family, etc. I realized after I had hung up with him how much it helps me to put in words my plans, it solidifies them in my mind. I guess there’s a certain element of accountability, of keeping my word about what I’ve expressed, while at the same time receiving some positive feedback. Which reminds me how important it is to discuss and talk with like-minded people, who support and provide positive feedback to us. After this conversation, I realized that I’m used to keeping most of my plans, dreams, thoughts to myself, practice which very likely arose from a very critical father, and this served as a double-edge sword: The more I kept dreams to myself, the less they were aired and solidified through communication & interaction. I remember telling Ruth sometime back about my lack of dreams, or my unawareness about them rather and this perfectly explains in my mind how that came about. Surely there were other factors but this played a big role.

So, carrying this insight forward, I will ‘air out’ by dreams to cement them, solidify them, receive feedback and understand them. There is great power in the spoken word. Without realizing it, that is precisely what I have been doing on this site, that’s why so many of my goals are idealistic in a way, and talking about it has helped me tremendously. If I ever have kids, I hope I never shut them off or invalidate their expressions & feelings, in whatever medium them use to represent them.

I was officially “let go” of my job and declined D’s offer. I met with my boss and he simply told me. He prepared a little sheet of what he expects from me in the next few weeks and what I can expect of him in the same period of time. Basically, his new venture will be more sales oriented, with a head office taking almost all of the administrative & operational burden. In essence, my whole department is gone because the business structure itself has changed. I was surprised at how calm I was, not that I expected to react harshly or anything, but rather I didn’t feel the usual black-hole-in-the-chest. I told him that I valued my relationship with him, that I’ve invested my heart and soul in his company and that it was a pity.

I also sent an email to the manager at D’s office letting him know that I’d tried to reach D on Fri but couldn’t reach him, so I was letting him know that I had to decline the offer because my priorities and that of the job are not a good fit, nor is the amount of sacrifice that it will require for me as well as for them (they’d have to be really flexible with time, which I’m afraid they won’t be too flexible about). I told him that I understood his need right now and so I was willing to help them in the short-term until they found someone else, but that I couldn’t take the job on the long run.

I left the office early, and went to the grocery store, not really thinking about any of the other stuff too much, but really present in the moment. I felt really good, for some odd reason… I wouldn’t normally feel this way (or at least I wouldn’t have though I would) so I’m taking that as a good sign. I shopped frugaly, planning for the upcoming months, but respecting my needs. I was happy enough to spark casual conversation with a very nice Polish chick in line while our cashier apparently went MIA. Funny enough, I feel like a big weight has been taken off my shoulders, I feel so relieved in a way. I feel like starting with a blank sheet of paper or a white canvas, I can do anything I want! I don’t have to do what “has to be done”, or what will put food on the table. I know there’s a great job waiting for me out there, and I’m determined to find it, when the time is right, no rush, anguish or desperation. Today I’m going to make myself a nice sandwich with the fresh sourdough bread I bought, open the nice bottle of wine I’d been saving and have some brie with fruit & crackers, because this is a special occasion.

My good friend D called me with a job offer, he said they would send me a written offer tonight. Here’s my conflict:

My current boss has been extremely generous and helped enormously. I feel an enormous sense of gratitude and I feel obligated to retribute with hard work. He (or his company) has reimbursed me for college tuition, so leaving creates a deep-rooted dissonance for me. He is a simply great guy, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually. He is very encouraging and motivating to be around.

On the other side of the balance. I’ve moved for him to Nevada and back and I’ve worked assiduously. I’ve been in an office by myself all year, first waiting for him to move to NV (which never happened) and now waiting for the new office to finish construction. My motivation is very low right now. My boss’ emails are short, curt almost. There’s very little interaction. In addition, the situation with our main provider is dire. Unfortunately, it is our only provider for the product they offer. Unless my boss (the owner) finds some alternatives, this ship will effectively sink, and I only give it about 6 more months.

D is my best friend. He knows my work, and he knows me like very few people know me. That is good, but at the same time it will require a very high level of maturity to keep our two roles separate. His business is very new, but they’re doing very well. They’re in Miami, which would mean I would have to move (again) or commute 50 miles each way every day until my lease is up next May. He wants an answer relatively quick because they need to fill that position.

(Bigh deep sigh)