live passionately

While driving home this afternoon, i felt this funny feeling in my chest. I thought about it for while…wondering if it was heartburn (no…i didn’t eat anything this morning), Heartache (possibly; I saw her this morning…we didn’t make eye contact, but sometimes her presence makes my heartache…i have to constantly tell myself that nothing will become of it), and i thought was it was sadness (I was fired last week. It was devastating because i loved that job)

It wasn’t any of these things…

I’m feeling joy.

Yes, i know it’s silly. I don’t have a job…every time i fall for someone i can’t have them…my parents are shunning me…the list goes on and on…but for some reason, i winded down my wonder and screamed with joy and happiness.

I hope I’m not going insane. O.o

I think…i just hit nirvana…with The Allman Brothers Band.

They’re…extraordinary. It’s like jazz mixed with rock mixed with blues mixed with…some other kind of stuff that i have no idea what it is.

A senior who is graduating next week played this tape constantly while she was creating her senior show in the ceramics studio last week.

The first time i heard it i was in heaven. It was as if i found what i was looking for…the music that i’ve searched for for the last several years. I like jazz…but mostly free crazy jazz. I like rock…but not the senseless, useless rock…I LOVE ambient…but (you have to admit) it becomes so spacey at times.

But this…this fantastic, wonderful piece of work? This is nirvana. NIRVANA.

:)

I think…my passion is going away.

My family was very angry with me this week. It hurt. They called me selfish. And i know I’m an adult. I don’t have to let these things effect me in such a serious way. But…it does.

I was in my sculpture studio class Friday and….i couldn’t create anything. After 3 hours, my half-finished project sat there, looking at me, dejected. It was disappointed in me. I was disappointed in myself.

It’s dying and I’m sick of allowing what they’re saying have such a negative effect. How do i stop the negativity?

What is it with me creating art?

It CONSUMES me and engulfs me like a fire. I just soak it in and work like a f-ing manic. I get so high while doing it…like I’m so hungry for it. I don’t understand it! I just don’t get it.

It’s this way with me when watching someone who enjoys something as well. Like my passionate entry-it makes me…i don’t know. It’s as if i fall in love with them briefly. It’s really beautiful…you know?

But, back to my original question…just spending hours and hours working on projects isn’t good. I mean, i LOVE it…it brings so much joy to my heart and makes me so happy…but i block out everything else.

You see, this afternoon, i came into the house so euphoric and begun discussing with my family what I’ve created. And they weren’t amused…nor happy. I just wish i would’ve shut up then.

But when i went to get on the computer to vector my drawings on Adobe Illustrator, they told me that i was selfish. And that i needed to stop being to myself all of the time. And…that…didn’t feel good.

I know, it doesn’t matter, but they don’t…like what i do.

They then told me that there’s no field for graphic designers. And told me about some guy who went into the field and couldn’t find a job. Then he went to go work for his father…which is essentially what they want me to do; work for my father as a secretary.

I don’t want to. I want to create art. And enjoy the high i get from creating it everyday. I just…love it so much and it makes me so happy…gosh it just makes me so happy that that’s all i want to do for the rest of my life.

But it’s selfish to think that. I I I I me, me, me, me. Stop being so selfish. (But it makes me so happy…my professors say i have a gift) Stop coming in, staying 8 and 9 hours away doing art and being with friends. (but it feels so good to be with people who accept me and do the things i like to do. I’m 21…i can think for myself…right?) Stop focusing on yourself. (Please…let me do what i love to do…)

Okay. Next week, I’ll look for other majors…real majors…I just will do what they want me to do.

I love a passionate person.

They get excited or talk rapidly about something. Their eyes come alive as they’re explaining something. It’s like a drug.

I just love that in a person. It’s so thrilling to see them happy and excited. I don’t care if it’s something random or something that i can’t understand; i just smile broadly and nodd and soak in their happiness. I like seeing the joy they express. I liked to see the joy she…expressed…

...

There’s a lot of people out in this world who are so…sad. Dissapointed, lost, annoyed, destroyed…i wish…they could discover their passion. I don’t like them being like that. It dosen’t have to be something major, just let it be something that consumes you.

My therapist said that i am fighting my gift.

My gift of what?

Something (firelady09) wrote to me as a response to my philosophy question(s) on here touched my heart:

it is the faith that has been tested, that is real; the heart that has stood up and questioned, analyzed, considered, and questioned again, that is truly free; the life lived on a quest for truth and love and holiness transcending religiosity that has truly been lived.

I try to enjoy everything i can. Lately, after a shower i love to rub oil over my skin tosample the texture…i get lost in it. I never been with anyone…it’salmost as if, this year, my eyes have been opened to different and new things. It’s exciting, strange and it scares the crap outta me. Things are beautiful…things i’ve seen before seem to take on new meaning. Maybe i’m losing my morals…