invite friendship by living gracefully

I feel like something my sister said the other day is very true however.
‘FAMILY IS FAMILY and that doesn’t go away’
I have friendships that are very much the same, very strong and very important to who i am.

I have felt lately that i’m ‘scrambling’ somehow to juggle all of my diverse friendships as though they have become responsibilities. My family was once a responsibility and i hated that time in my life. I can’t do that to myself again!

I need to be present to my own needs.
I need to keep calling people and sending post cards and keeping in touch with the people i truly care about when i FEEL like it. In my own time! The people in my life don’t love me because i am consistent but because of who i am and because of the time we’ve spent growing together. The freinds who will come and go are just that and i treasure them for as long as we are good for each other!

I’m grateful for every moment i’ve felt welcome and cared for and helpful and vulnerable and wise because of the people i’ve known.
I’m supremely excited to collect more moments like these!

I forget how short a time i have known my friends in Washington. To me they are very important and i feel like i can be myself around them. That isn’t to say that i shouldn’t feel that way, just that i need to check myself and remember that i am their guest and not their family. I don’t get a free pass to upset them or their friends.
I hope that i haven’t actually caused a rift this past weekend but you know me.. i worry.

So yeah,
I will write an email and apologise just in case, because i am a little embarrased of myself and my out of hand party antics and i wasn’t as sensitive as i could have been. I really care about them and have a great time when we hang out, and i met some fantastic new friends as a result this weekend that i hope to hang out with again!

It is nice to be across the invisible line again, but i would be very sad not to be invited back.

Yep… we’ll see.

Ask people more questions. Yeah yeah, we all know you love your job, but what does everyone else do? what are their interests? hobbies? backgrounds? There are cool young people that i work with at a distance and i feel like they could be friends some of them… why not make more of an effort there?!

christmas party coming up, enjoy the company not just the booze.

I swapped numbers and lots and lots of details about outlooks and processess of thought with a new friend yesterday. We were introduced by my roommate Cstine, and it seems like this will be the begining of a bee-utiful friendship.
We’re already sort of maybe possibly planning a trip to seattle in december. :)
And I’m psyched about the meditation/buddhist group he hosts at his house. :)

we went to the community pool tonite to sit in the hot tub and ward off the ouch that we both know will be the result of today’s tango with a car…. cstine will live to cycle another day but her bike wont.
I’m glad to have her in my life, and to be her bud and do thigns like drink five alive out of juice boxes together.

I couldn’t imagine a better roommate. :)

I am a silly girl.
I was icky-uncomfortable and also strangely fem-empowered on halloween, dressed (out not up) and in a sticky situation that i should’ve avoided so as not to be thus-icky.

I was graceless and made mistakes, well perhaps i’m beating myselfup for naught… i wasn’t trying to impress anyone thats for sure and i managed to do the precise opposite… not entirely unlike me.
I forgive my actions and am not upset about the reprocussions of all that, i guess i feel weird about how irratically i was acting and how desperate for attention i felt.

Its something that underlies what i am, and i get that, but i’d really like to be a decent person while outside relationship and not a maniac… i’m not pro at that.
I really crave the balance of being in relationship, i crave feeling accepted, and included. I like my solo time and my solo persuits but I am pretty bad at relaxing when its just me on my own. I crave downtime, i crave touch and body heat and laughter. Its one of the only aspects of my life where i’m actually ‘DRIVEN’ i guess, and i wish that i could channel it into things like rrsp deposits and budgeting, alas, it only stresses me out half of what being single does. I’m actually thinking of investing in some hypnotherapy.. like ‘compassion is wealth, pay down your frets’ or something equally lame-rson. I know i know… MEDITATE! its cheaper!!!

It was kind of fun being a dirtbag… especially on halloween… It was slightly less fun to ruin my own reputation, but i feel like that had to happen, so, well done. In a city where no one will remember my name, it was good to get out of the rain. :)

thing one,
explaining my just not that into you feeling to one boy i don’t like so much.

thing two,
taking my damn foot out of my mouth and/or contemplating how it got in there in the first place with one boy i do like quite a bunch.

needs attention.
simmering at present.

I have had lots of thse in the past and feel like i really enjoy them, but there is something a little twisted about the relationships i have with them…. like i know that they would be interested if i were, or something… there is always a weird sexual tension that is just there, even after many many years of freindships in some cases.

I guess its flattering, but i don’t really know how to be freinds with boys otherwise and i would like to try and do that, to be platonic. To leave weirdness at the door and just chill.

:)

I got a hold of this friend of a friend who has a lot of similar interests to me and we are probably going to try and hang out. I am going to be doing my damnest not to get emmotionally tied up in anything unless it really feels right because frankly i am apt to ‘fall into’ something wether or not it is good for me, and because i would like to keep this particular friend around. :)

Anyway, there will be fun had, and time shared. :)

i dont’ know whats up with it, but i am self conscious and strange at work. I have about 90 co-workers and work in the back corner-butt of the building and so don’t have much chance to interact with them… or learn their names, but i get shy and quiet in the lunchroom instead of feeling relaxed. I used to spend my lunchours in the basement lunchroom at DFO and make polite conversation, what is different.

I feel a bit like a fish out of water, not being a musician but that doesn’t mean i’m not interested in music or their particular lifestyles, i’m sure there is more to have in common than chords and keyboards.

I need to be a bit more open and open minded, to ask more questions and compliment more often. I am a full time staff member and it would be hella cool to get a chance to spend some time outside work with these people who are i’m certain interesting and who above all have a knowledge of the city that i’ve just moved to.

Just make eye contact and say hello. That’s a start.

I forgot that living with someone can be trying sometimes.

I am up for the challenge, I embrace it even, but i need to remember to take time for myself and to state what i need when it comes down to something making me uncomfortable.

I had been ‘bothered’ by things up until this week in a vague kind of way and finally i just spewed them out in a big hairy akward clump and that sucks. I should rather have been more upfront and aware of the thigns that were getting under my skin previous to the bubble burst.

I need to be more attentive to my own balance to make life more harmonious at home. That is all. Until further notice i think i’ve been being a pretty decent and consciencious roommate, and its fun!

:)