I woke up this morning and felt like I NEED TO RESOLVE THIS. I read about personality crisis’ and i feel like i need to do the thing that resolves my varying attitudes/personas once and for all. It talks about how people who decide on a personality are much happier etc.
So, here are the facts as i see them:
I am super tired of being selfish and narcissicstic and i know the reason for this is that i am trying to understand and comfort myself because i haven’t been able to ‘get it together’.
I crave close personal relationships with people and especially partners and this move has completely thrown me for a loop… and its been a two year struggle.
I enjoy having someone who is very close to me, who understands me and who i can really care about/support etc. But i also know that in the interest of my ‘comfort’ i have gotten deep into relationships that weren’t ideal and as a result i have hurt people who didn’t understand when i had to leave and acknowledge the disparity in personalities etc that i had disregarded at first.
I’ve been torn between living here in my Vancouver life, and keeping up the relationships i built in Toronto. I know my friends there are good people and will love me no matter what but i have been leaning more on them and missing the opportunities to get closer to the friends i am making here.
I know i’m doing what i should be doing in terms of meeting friends, and i’m very good at being social etc… but i’ve gotten into the habit of pimping myself out at bars and parties because frankly, i’m not the most comfortable in those situations. I act out, and enjoy my little social experiments but its not least fulfilling and it distracts me from the life i crave.
I have met good friends since being here in Vancouver but by chance, they are the ones who have all left for work/adventure and i’m here on my own with yet more people to write letters to and miss. I avoided my good friends going away party because i didn’t want to face it, and partly because i’m uncomfortable in big crowds.
I know I have gifts, and that i’m a great and compassionate friend and lover. I am excited to meet someone who is also looking for a relationship. I am excited to put down my very own roots and look forward to a life full of joy and family.
I am afraid of becoming attache to a new lovers life (again), and i want to really dig my toes into my own happiness first so that i know what i’m compromising and can make informed choices about how far i’ll let that go.
I’m really enjoying nesting in my home and i really like getting together with smaller groups of people, i think i need to make a serious effort to have people over more often in smaller groups that i’m comfortable with.
I need to vent, NOT outloud to my co-workers or long distance to the friends i have far far away, but to the people who are actually in my life! I need to nurture those relationships and spend less time feeling guilty about being absent to the family in toronto who will love me no matter what.
I need to get ‘out there’! I live in an absolutely beautiful city and i need to spend equal parts of my free time soaking in the shoreline and the mountains as i do enjoying my home and friends.
I need to save money and get back into listing things and not just buying them when i feel like it.
I need to make value village ‘dates’ and go with a pal so i’m not just wandering the isles for companionship.
I need to cut the bar ‘scene’ out of my life, its okay to go to a bar once in a while, but i need to make it a social occasion and drag along a friend! No more missus barfly! I will buy a 12 of beer tonight to celebrate!