fall in love with someone who loves me too

I want very much to be seen and understood in my life, i have a sort of sick affection deficit disorder or have had and i get myself in to the pickles with people who are really nice and well meaning and genuinely like me and then i feel to crappy to be honest and break it off… and when i do balls up and let my frankness shine, i feel guilty anyway.

I am feeling super karmically ‘gunkked up’ right now, right here.

i know for sure that the times i’ve gone on internet dates and its turned into something it us usually more of a ‘grasping for some connection thing’ than an actual attraction. I wish that weren’t the case.

I won’t be doing that anymore.

I broke up with A last night… which needed to happen but is sad all the same.
He’s a SUPER sweet guy and i wish that it could’ve been more excellent, but i never felt that ‘gush’ of wanting to kiss him after a few weeks away, i know he appreciated me, but i don’t feel like he really got me. :( I kept trying to make the math work out in my head but it just didn’t. Just didn’t.

Anyhow. I’m off to work and then after that my life keeps happening.

I’m looking into the future and seeing myself happily single and perhaps even quirky-alone for a while. I’m living a great life, and all i have to do is keep enjoying it. :)

I don’t know where this uncertainty is coming from, or if its just my insecurity manifesting in another strange knot of thoughts, but i find myself constantly comparing my relationship (which is in frankness the best and healthiest one i’ve been in!) to some strange standard… i guess i’m comparing andy to something, some standard of what i expect or feel i deserve or something. Its odd soemtimes knowing what to do with ‘us’ when no one i’ve dated in the past can compare because andy is unlike all of those other people.

Andy is not someone i would have picked for myself but that is in fact one of our greatest strenghts as a couple, that we are different and have completely different goals and perspectives. It makes my life interesting, but sometimes i feel like we don’t have much in common.

I don’t want to date myself, and i don’t want to be in the pattern that i was in before i met andy of dating people who are patently unhealthy for me, but i feel like there is something ‘missing’ not a spark per se, but some kind of neediness, or some kind of reverence maybe.

In the past i have dated people who i coveted in some way or who had these talents that i wanted a piece of somehow and i guess that isn’t fair. I wonder if that’s what feels like it is amiss here.

Andy is who he is, he has his own interests, he listens, he has opinions and processes of thought that are all his own and that intrigue me and make me think more carefully about the assumptions i make every day. All of this is good.

I guess its just GOOD.

I guess i feel like its not exciting, or challenging or dramatic enough or what, god i wish i knew.

I love him most because he is like drama-retardant and just won’t have me causing fruitless arguments because its a waste of both of our energies, he just absorbs my little fuse lightings and somehow that is the best sign of his love. When he just hugs away my nebulous anxiety.

Its okay for me to have crushes on people, and for me to find situations and people attractive, its totally healthy but its even healthier that it doesn’t phase us.

I love ‘us’. I need to try more actively to accept and cherish who he is, and who we are as a result because its the happiest and most accepted i’ve felt in, ever, and its not bad, and there isn’t anything wrong.

I guess its possible that its scary to be finally in the situation that i have been searching and fighting for, just to be in it. I will ride it out, and i will give myself more re-assurance that things are wonderful until they are not, and i will stop counting the days that we have been together as though it is some kind of backwards breakup monitor.

I love his guts.
and i know so deeply that he loves mine.

sigh.

I am so much softer now.

Its been a year and so much in me and in my life has changed for the better.
I’m not saying that life is solved, i’m just confident that i’m on my way.
I feel so much anguish about the way i’ve gone about things in the past. I’ve had a really hard time in relationships and every time i meet someone and get involved there is a growth spurt.

I don’t regret my choices or methods, but I was wondering this morning, laying in bed with my busted foot up on a pillow not really ready to make a break for the crutches… what might have my last relationship been like if i were who i am now?

I would say an awful lot better.
It wasn’t a good relationship, because we weren’t looking for the same things. We had a lot in common and pushed each other in various ways to be better and more well rounded. We were both very passionate, but where i was almost ‘devoted’ to him he was just ‘enjoying the ride’.

I bet he would’ve liked who i am now a lot better. And i bet i would’ve been more comfortable with the ‘practical’ nature of our relationship but honestly, i guess its his loss, or well… both of our gain.

i was feeling so melencholy about that relationship and (after all he was the one who ‘wanted to stay friends’and then disappeared,) that i wrote a letter to our one mutual friend to find out if he’s at least ok.

I don’t know what is inspiring this line of thinking right now… maybe its that i miss the academic lifestyle but not the academic himself..?

I always admired what he did, getting to think creatively and be rewarded for it. I think i would like to do that one day… maybe once my loans are paid down… (famous last words!)

I’m also curious about his work and what he’s been up to professionally. It interested me then, and i heard A LOT about it, and it would be nice to know what came of those things, his research, the play he was starting to write when we split, the 10 minute play he had written for the humana festival (i even went to the humana this year because it happened to be at the same time/place as the NAPBIRT conference, i looked for him in the program notes…).

You can’t change the past and the past is guaranteed to change you…

I have to find gratitude and let this evaporate into the beautiful day it has turned out to be outside.
I will stop letting what was cloud what i have now. carpe diem!!!

Also, someone is playing trumpet outside in the park, it is worse than my playing GRIN!!!
I

I

The boy forgot the tent, which was luckily easily rectified when we hit the wally world and found one for 20bucks!!!

But then we were certifiably squished into my NEW 6×5ft 3lb tent for two nights which was less sexy than i’d have liked seeing as this was the last time we’d be kickin’ it for a few weeks at least but it was alright none the less.

There were a lot of good times and a lot of me being an anxious wreck still but that’s just me not being able to relax all at once. He’s good for me that way, its dumb not to be relaxed and go with the flow, and i need to do more of it. but also there were some moments when for the first time i can remember he said ‘i love you’ without a prompt and out of the blue.
Some of what i have been saying leaked through his hardseal of a consciousness and he is trying to do for me what i need.

For that reason alone, i’m glad that we talked, and i look forward to having some more time to spend with him and other people and just him on our own. It was also good to go camping with someone because it made me really appreciate how much i like spending time just the two of us in contrast, and how different we two are when there are other people around. :)

Lovin m’life!

I have had this feeling in the pit of my stomach for almost a week now, this feeling that things aren’t going well in my romantic life, and that I didn’t even know WHAT i wanted to happen, or which way i hoped the coin would flip.

I did my best to enjoy myself anyway and not get caught up in it until i had some time to figure it out a bit better.

I called friends and got opinions and man does that ever help!

Finally tonite i was able to actually talk to my love and sort all of my anxiety out.

I was dreading that i was foolish and that i would cave to some unseemly demands of relationshiphood or somehow be the ‘sacrificer’ but no such trouble.

Just putting things out there and hearing his side made it all make sense again. I sincerely love this man, and in a way that makes us both better, stronger, confident individuals. I wonder if that feeling of ‘not knowing what i wanted to happen’ might just be a certain measure of confidence that i would be alright either way.

Its hard to be away from each other like we are, separated by a border and 300 miles, but its alright.

Its alright now that i’ve got my apology and my peace of mind and my lover back in my heart where he belongs. :)

its been a week now, since i started working and we went on to our respective lives in different cities and i’m here to report that i’m good. I feel like we’re both doing alright, and keeping busy and if this is any kind of indicator, i think we’ll both have pretty oz summers. I am helping to plan a big salad solstice party at his place next weekend, i’m going to get down there sat. night, chill out/go out, and then party sunday, stay until monday evening and then bus my butt back up here to work monday.
We talked about all this tonite, and whats wild is that i’m not freaking out, i’m not crying or lonely or even bored. I’m happier than i’ve ever been (many thanks to great roommates!) and after we talked when i said ‘i love you’ it felt awesome to mean it.

We’re not great on the phone, but this absence is not like an absess, it truly is making me fonder. I can only hope its mutual.

Sometimes we fight, but usually its just a little misscommunication thrown WAY out of proportion. I tend to give up easily and have a short fuse and he doesn’t feel comfortable with my little combustion engine of a heart/mind so we’re working on it. I start unspooling the things that sometimes bug me about him whenever i feel doubt and that’s not good. Its not that there are many things I don’t like, but simply that there are many things that i don’t understand about how he is/thinks.

He lets things go more easily than i’d like him to, and doesn’t like to ‘rehash’ our troubles which for me makes them make sense, and reduces thier frequency so i’m working on making that worthwhile for him too.

We wrote up a little contract for our relationship, and soon (as in tomorow) we’ll be living in different countries, having different lives and hopefully our little promises help keep us working in the best interests of ‘us’ although i understand if they don’t, and if we go our own ways, but i feel like this just keeps getting better. :)

Hopefully he does too, and hopefully what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

So I wrote my mind to my lover last night after trying to talk it through on the phone and getting tangled in language and frustrated on both ends.
I was pretty certain i’d be disappointed by his reply (if any). I was getting ready to be able to walk away and cut my losses. It drives me a little bit crazy that he has consistently impressed me with his sincerity and his sound emotional logic. He really does love me, and I can’t help but do my best to keep us together and balanced especially after an email like the one he sent me last night. Below are some snippets, just to prove me wrong, and keep me on my toes.

I love his honesty and his enthusiasm and his willingness to try new things and think a problem through from all angles. He is such a great supporter and for the first time i feel like i’m in a healthy relationship where we are both cheering each other on to have the best life we each can find.

The best parts of andy’s email last night;

I’m not sure I will be able to say what I feel clearly, but I will try my best. Where do I start…

I absolutely love holding hands, cuddling and kissing you in front of every one to see. Why? Because I want to be with you and I want every one to know that I love you.
Ya. Ok. I know what I said could really hurt. You think I’m not attracted to you. Well, all I can say is that’s just flat out wrong.

Yes, I think you could be in slightly better shape. But so what! Thats not what makes you who you are! It’s some thing that can come or go at anyone’s will, should they chose to do so. I’ve only say that because I care about you so much. I want you to live a long, healthy life. I don’t want any thing to happen to you. Which is why I was supporting your interest in quitting both sugar and cigarettes. But if some thing did happened to you, I would still be there for you and love you. Please believe that.

Do you know what really turns me on? Having some one genuinely interested in who I am, how I am and why I am.
Love is a very difficult thing to explain. I believe the soul function of relationships are to simply give each other the reassurance that we are doing the right thing. That we are a good person. That life is worth living. But when you start caring as much about making some one else happy as you do finding it for your self, that’s what I would consider love.
You are the first girl that really made me feel important. You gave me purpose. I felt loved. In another first, you’ve also had me really considering marriage just so I might feel that way ever day.

Enough about me. I’ve always said a healthy relationship is about balance. I am, and always have been, willing to do what ever is necessary for you to also feel reassured, wanted, happy, sexy. I have clearly failed to make you feel loved and I am very sorry. I have tried with all my heart.
I will be very sad if this doesn’t clarify how much you mean to me. I love you very much. I will have your stuff ready for you tomorrow should you still feel we can’t make this work.

This is my not so big ‘big list’,

-Someone who shows they care by making sure i look out for myself.
-Chymistry. Some mutual attraction/satisfaction.
-Openness and Trust, Someone with a buddhist frame of mind.
-Someone who has hobbies/priorities/goals that they hold strong.
-Someone who sees the benefits of compromise.
-Someone who thinks i’m so cool that they want to share me with their friends and family.
-A lifelong learner with a creative streak
-An individual

I’ve truly found someone who fits in my life in the above ways, but as I finish this year and consider my impending move 200 km away I’ve hit the ‘nitty gritty’.
I’ve been fencing with myself about wether or not I should tidy up these loose ends or string my heart along the highway and make the effort to be in two places at once in a long distance relationship.
Am I satisfied?
Are we in love or just a rut?

Its time to be real about the one thing that i know is the issue, or intimate life. Its not bad but its not fulfilling, I find myself yearning for the opportunity to have fun, feel sexy, relaxpants. Its not selfish of me to consider this a make or break issue, but up until now i guess i have glossed over it because other parts of ‘us’ work well together like never before.

I feel comfortable talking about it, and i will now that i know what has been making me resentful i’m making the call….

HA!
My suspicions have proved correct. I can’t be with someone so superficial, who only sees past the 10 lbs that make him unatracted to me because ‘I make him happy’. Not my job folks.

I’m too frustrated right now to be sad.
I’ve been twisting myself up in knots, feeling unattractive and under cherished for the last 3 months.
NO more!

Good luck in your future you judgemental double standard-having meatpuppet.

I don’t know, maybe he’ll get over himself and stop peering off into space for perfection among the faceless masses, or maybe he really will find someone absolutely perfect who fits his physical standard. I fear he is the kind of spoiled that he would divorce someone on the basis of their having gained weight or being in a disfiguring accident.

I would have a hard time being able to trust him, or relax around him and i’m tired of feeling ‘not good enough’.

I should have known sooner.
Next time i’ll keep an eagle-er eye.

Ugh.

I’ll see what happens, but i think sadly that this goose is cooked.

I feel so completely understood, accepted and cared about by this new person in my life.
Its strange coming from a place of being very protective of myself, and having a history of smothering and being smothered… all of a sudden i feel like there IS a balance to be had.

I have acquired so many rules to defend myself from the dissarmarment that chemical attraction causes.
‘no way would i ever live with someone again (unless we were married)’
‘no way would i marry anyone (at least not without a prenup)’
‘no way would i want to have children (I would really rather adopt as a single mother)’
‘no way would i trust someone else with my money (okay, i still will never do this)’
‘no way would i get involved this year (i’m in a foreign country for a limited number of months)’

Its funny to have someone come along in my life and make those things seem sort of ridiculous.

Its also funny being told to ‘get married and have dual citizenship’ by people on both sides of the equation like its a no-brainer. :p I’ve only known this boy for 2 months folks, let us check the unromantic notions at the door!

I have no idea what the almost immediate future holds, i’ve got to find work (someplace) and we two are from different countries and sides of the continent so there are a lot of barriers to our sticking it out, but i feel like we can. I feel like what doesn’t kill us, or pummel our relationship into a pulp of gooey depression can only make us stronger.

So for now, i’ll sit in waiting and hope for someone to tell me they’re going to pay me really well to work for them in a really cool place somewhere in north america. The chips as they say… will fall in their own time and order. :)